Reclaiming an Abandoned Past…

Why do we make the decisions we make? And why do we choose to hide something about ourselves that we feel is somehow not who we are, or who we want to be?

Of course, I have asked those questions rhetorically; not because I don’t expect to get an answer, but because there are so many answers.  All different. All correct. And all wrong. We make decisions with the information we have at the moment, and with how we believe that decision will affect the outcome. Some time later, we can then reflect on how the action actually played out, where we are now, and how that decision influenced it. As Kierkegaard reminded us, ‘Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.’ I have been very aware of these words over the past few years, as the changes in my life have put me in very different situations, facing new challenges, dealing with new people and their individual viewpoints, as I attempt to reshape the direction of my life to be the one I always dreamt of having when life was all possibility.

I’m speaking of the reconnection with things and people and ideas that I’d ‘edited’ out of my life, believing they would hurt me, or the image I had of who I was, or wanted to be.  Things like music that wasn’t ‘serious’ or ‘cultivated’, the fact that I was born in West Virginia, though I largely grew up elsewhere, the people I rejected because I felt they were not educated or cultured to the standard I had set for my friends. Even my family, because they weren’t the family I had in my head when I thought about who I was, and where I thought I wanted to go. Pretty petty, huh? Yes, it was, as was I about these things, and others, that I felt might hurt my chances of becoming the person I had idealized in my head. Of course, the problem with this, is I had no idea who I was to begin with, and so began to cobble together my own Frankeinstein’s monster of spare ideals floating around my head. That person would be more handsome than me, taller than I was, a better athlete, more intelligent, with a knowledge of the world I had not as the teenager creating this creature from scraps of old photos, characters from novels or movies, actual people I knew, and from my imagination. Then I needed to look around at where I was and begin to edit all those things from my life that didn’t add up to this Person. And life got complicated as I began to learn things this person would know (a good thing!), dress like them, act like them, and live, or pretend to, like them. As one might guess, this didn’t work very well, but I carried on with it for a decade or so until the ‘cracks in the plaster’ began to overwhelm me, and I began to search for truth. Truth in my life. MY truth. And I began to work through what led me to make those decisions, with laughter sometimes, and tears, of course, but beginning to heal, and to become the person I am. The one, perhaps, I was meant to be all along.

What have I discovered? First, and foremost, that my family is wonderful! Not perfect, not the ideal I created so long ago, but smart, fun, witty, and always there for each other. Including me. Who knew? That short guys can be sexy and attractive, too. That I’m pretty smart already, and people tell me they’re astonished at how much I know about so many things. That being truthful, even when you think it might hurt, is always the best way. And while I still love classical music, I also love country music, which came as a great surprise when I heard songs from bands I now listen to regularly. And that it’s all okay, and life, which can be complex, is a bit easier when you’re not trying to be something, or someone you’re not.