The Anger Paradox

You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.

                       —Buddha

Anger is a part of our world from the time we are small children, with us throughout our lives, and always one of the most difficult emotions to control. Anger is born of fear; our reaction to feeling threatened and how we respond. Anger burns hot, fast, and expansively, and often it is out of control before we realize it. Anger counters a threat—real or perceived—by making us feel more powerful and in control than we might be otherwise, as well as putting up a line of defense to what might be threatening us. It is often described in bellicose terminology, and truly, when we are angry, we are fighting; with another, with an idea or concept, with a construct we feel might hurt us. It is all-consuming, and ends with the condemnation of another.

In our anger, we may quickly do a great amount of damage, meaning to hurt another before being hurt ourselves. We have all seen these people, whose towering rage clears everything and everyone in their path. It is destructive, and meant to hurt. It is in the aftermath of such that the reality of what has been done to another comes to the forefront. None of us is perfect; we have all felt hurt by another, and we have all hurt another. Why? The reasons vary, but most have to do with the fact that information was miscommunicated, not understood, or was not heard at all. Does this justify our angry reaction? Not really. But we don’t think that way in the heat of the moment when something has caused us to be angry. There is a certain release in becoming angry when we have been frustrated or stymied by someone or something that satisfies some need in us to show that to the world. The words and actions we use to communicate this become the aftermath of our wrath, and it is not an easy path to follow.

What if…we were able to train ourselves to look at these situations in a different way? Of learning to step back, and assess the situation, as well as any danger or fear we might feel, and more reasonably decide how to navigate this new challenge? Sometimes it IS very difficult to find bright spots in difficult circumstances, and in those instances, looking for ways to heal for all involved will always serve us better than not. Even in these conditions, though, seeking future promise and potential may better prepare us to face similar predicaments as they appear. What would it look like for us to find praiseworthy things, lessons we learned, things we had never noticed before, about people and contexts that had formerly vexed us? What would we notice in others? Or in ourselves? Perhaps love, patience, care, hope. Finding a better way than life may have taught us, and then giving that back to the world is the first step on the  journey to better know ourselves and those around us.