The Way Forward

Change comes hard. Real, lasting, satisfying change comes harder. While an odd paradox of life, it’s true. Most of us wish for change, but do little or nothing to make it happen. As the old saying goes, ‘doing the same thing every day, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity.’ Yet down the path of ‘insanity’ we go. Happily.

Why? Because we really don’t want change. We want to be comfortable. To have everything the same, day-in and day-out, the same. Even if the situation is really intolerable—bad relationship, job, debts, etc.—our known discomfort and difficulty is what we cling to, because we are familiar with it, and there are few surprises: just variations on the same miserable theme. Change, however, means doing—yes, doing, not thinking—things differently, perhaps in small ways at first, just to get used to doing something, anything, differently to influence a different outcome.  Getting up earlier in the morning. Beginning a modest exercise program. Learning a foreign language. Any and all of those things we dreamt about but never acted to create them. We all have fantasies of the person we might be, or the person we might have become, and we think of that man, that woman, and smile, and then sigh, and resign ourselves to being in the present, to the life that we did create, perhaps inadvertently, and of our next, known step in our uncomfortable comfort.

‘What if….’ That great game we played in childhood as we imagined being a cowboy, or an astronaut, or a football player, and as we assumed these roles, albeit temporarily, we grew, because we were thinking out of the box, maybe not having the slightest idea of what it might take to become one of these things, but letting ourselves make it up as we moved along in our game. Personally, I don’t recall a time when I was told not to think imaginatively, but somehow, as I got older and grew to adulthood, I began not to do that so much. And, like many, I took on ‘adult’ behavior and began to think in more ‘practical’ ways of how to accomplish the tasks in front of me. By studying. Reading the right books. Learning new technical skills. Meeting influential people. And ultimately creating a career that allowed me to be comfortable in my life, but was not really satisfying.

Until a series of events pulled me out of a specific job, one that was perhaps too comfortable, and that had allowed me to get too complacent. It put me in another situation where I really needed to think about the fact that I was scared of the new, different circumstances. However, I was also really tired of being comfortable but completely disengaged, and knew that there was still so much of life to be experienced that I allowed myself, even compelled myself, to begin to accept the unpleasant things allowing change can bring, realizing that I can endure a lot more than I thought, that I really can learn what I can control, and let go of the rest, as I reach ever higher, having once again picked up my dream of being a writer, an adventurer, a traveler, and so much else I once dreamt of being.

Guess what? Now that I’m uncomfortable again, I want to complain that this is not what I had in mind. Or is it? Comfort is easy, even if it’s not fun. Discomfort, or ‘a little discomfort’ as my friend Mary says, is just a temporary inconvenience, and one that, if I look at what the situation is really about, and not how I’m interpreting it—through my comfort lens—it’s not the end of the world. And gradually I begin to relax into the situation, the day, and the task, with the realization that this is not forever. I have a language to learn, or relearn, I suppose, given the number of years I neglected it. And I have books and articles to write, and places to see, not to mention things to learn: the piano! French! Fly-fishing! However, I need to get through the uncomfortable part of my day first, or last, so I’m able to devote my thoughts and energy toward growing skills and moving forward in the ways I want to move forward. Ways that make me smile, if only to myself, and let me know that my life is flowing again.