Choosing to See

‘If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.’

                    —Epictetus

Our actions define our lives. We are truly what we do, as opposed to being what we think. The two are related of course, but taking action and making a stand are far stronger symbols of where our mind is than expressing our thoughts or emotions about any given subject. How we navigate happiness and anger is a prime example of this principle. We tend to remember happy events in our lives without judging them, whereas events that frighten us or make us angry, we often think of ‘what we should have/could have’ done so that we were triumphant as opposed to simply feeling the fear or shame, seeing if for what it is, and then moving on with life. Simply put: giving those bad times oxygen, as it were, and letting them take flight in our minds, gives them strength they do not deserve.

In certain situations in my life, I have often spent way too much time thinking about the event, how it occurred, how I handled it, and what I might have liked to say or do to create a different outcome. These were not earth shattering things, but rather occasions where I was surprised, and not prepared for what was done, nor how I reacted. Going over that argument from work the next morning while in the shower will not change what happened, and it will not make anyone feel better about it. What it will do is transport you—and how you feel physically—back to that moment, and your breath pattern will change, the tension in your body will rise, and you will be back in the stress of the moment. Humans developed this ‘fight or flight’ response to quickly act in cases of danger; moments where they could be hurt or killed. Since the likelihood of becoming dinner for some huge animal is pretty unlikely, and since most situations we encounter do not truly threaten our existence, why do we do this? Quite simply, because the response is hard-wired into our brains to help us survive. Realizing this, however, as it begins to happen, is the key to controlling this reaction and moving forward in a better way.

As in the quote that began this, remaining in these disagreeable moments is agreeing to endure the action, which is not necessary. While it can be difficult to stay calm in the face of yelling people, violent weather, and so on, it is our only solace there. Our ‘gut feeling,’ genuine and heart-felt as it may be, is not going to help us here. Taking that mental ‘step back’ and assessing the situation from a neutral stance will allow us to remain calm and able to better navigate what we are facing, and let us do our level best, without resorting to negative tactics for the ‘win.’ These situations in our lives do not pop up as a challenge to our existence, but rather as opportunities to learn to better make our way through life without causing someone else, and ourselves, undue stress. Remember: we all have our point of view. It is ours, and right or wrong, which can be about perspective, and we want our position to be acknowledged and respected. Taking the time to remember that we interact with other human beings, and that we all want to be treated graciously by others, is step one of navigating this situation better. From there, we can then go on to listen, really listen to what someone is saying, and begin to understand the needs and wants of another human being. Needs and wants we may not understand, but that we can now see as being somehow necessary to this person, and how we might be able to move in a direction that would allow both of us to have what we need…without there needing to be a winner and a loser.