Dan – Page 11 – Finding the Better Way

August 13, 2018

Justification…

There is an odd feeling I get when I’ve agreed to do something, and I don’t do it for whatever reason. ‘Guilt’ could describe it, but it’s not quite that simple, because I’m not talking about actual agreements I’ve made: to do a job for an employer, to read in church on Sunday, to clean out the garage. No, I’m talking about the ideas that live in my head that I’ve finally decided to pursue and take action to make them happen. Things like writing a book, to begin running again, to travel, to bring my French up to fluency level; those things that require discipline, action, and sacrifice of other, less significant things in my life. I use the word ‘sacrifice’ in describing one of the requirements in creating these things, as well as ‘discipline,’ because they are both so easy to forget. The sacrifices called for are the little things with which we fill our days: checking email too often on our phones, reading that article we’ve been intending to read for months, deciding to have a drink before dinner, and any number of things that could be used, in my case, to write, to run, to parler Français, to plan a trip, along with other things that require me to focus on the bigger picture of my life, and make a decision in the moment, to buckle down and write, run, etc. And that’s not so easy, especially when others are involved. Because, as humans, we are great justifiers: we can easily come up with six reasons why we can put away our book, our run, ‘just this once,’ to join a friend or family member in what will be a pleasurable activity, but that will require us to put our plans on hold. At this writing, I was involved in a writing project, having agreed to write 500 words a day, on any subject, just to focus on the task of getting my butt in a chair, and writing for a while to create a habit of doing so. I decided this was a great idea because that discipline is not yet there in my life, yet I have a great desire to write. I actually started on January 3rd, not the 1st, as had been suggested—and to which, yes, I agreed—and I wrote, quite happily for two days, and then, on a late return from work on the 4th, there was an Anniversary party for a friend I’d said I’d attend, and did so, intending to put in time writing afterward. But, of course, after a glass or two (three?) of champagne, a quantity of smoked salmon, and the late hour, no writing got done, and I went to bed, intending to tackle the blank pages awaiting the next morning. But on that glorious day off, I had a wonderful lunch with my husband, and a lazy, afternoon of calm rest, that, while much needed in my life these days, could have been put on hold for an half-hour or so, to get words on a page. So, here I sit, doing just that, BEFORE I head off to work, to give me that little writers’ high, and to know I am not cheating myself of my own dreams and desires. Hopefully, just the beginning…

July 31, 2018July 31, 2018

So, what’s on your mind?

It starts small. And then grows. Suddenly, and exponentially, and like any dam bursting, you’re inundated, wondering which way is up, and if you can manage to keep your head above water, or even survive the quickness of the onslaught. Breathe, you tell yourself, wondering if you can, or if you’ve drawn your last, in the face of the deluge you’re now facing. What’s happened? You, or I, have decided to ‘take action’ on a long-neglected project, feeling, and even knowing, that now we can devote the time necessary to making something happen, even if it needs to happen in ‘spare’ time, long before sunrise, or in the depths of the night when we, and only we, are awake, and attempting to make something happen. The fitness program we’ve promised ourselves for how many New Year’s? The graduate work we always promised ourselves we would complete? Painting the spare room? Planning that vacation to…? The novel we have lurking in the still-dark corners of our mind? It doesn’t really matter. When we at-long-last decide to ACT, to take action, to make something happen, our mind slowly, then more quickly, becomes overwhelmed by things we need to do before we can begin. Something simple, like deciding to sit down and write at least 500 words a day, which takes about 15 minutes, give or take, becomes, in our mind, ONLY POSSIBLE, when we have ‘set the stage,’ as it were, and completed any number of the following activities: making sure the desk is clear and devoid of papers, mail, magazines, etc., that would make thinking about those 500 words. Or all-of-a-sudden realizing that you never folded the sweaters you threw in the chair, and, after all, who could write something creative in such a pig-sty? Did I check the dehumidifier in the basement? It could be going off right now, alerting us to the fact that it’s full, and I need to empty it. Or the mound of laundry needing an iron…. None of which matters. Because the only block to doing, in this case, your 500 words, is the fear that…. The fear that…it’s not going to be perfect. Or astonishingly good. Or that you’ll reveal something you thought you’d kept as a secret, but it seemed so perfect to describe what you, or your character, is feeling at the moment, and the world will now know something deeply personal about you, and you’re not sure how to process that…. Or whatever. Fill in the blanks from your own mind. Mine is chock-full of ‘scary stuff’ so it’s my task, when I sit down to write, to find a way to ignore the hot mess that is my desktop, the books overflowing from the shelves behind me, the unfolded sweaters in the chair, and simply sit down, and begin to tell the truth. My truth. And hopefully help someone else to see, that all of these truly insignificant things, that must be taken care of immediately, can not only wait, but can be ignored, not only for the moment, but for as long as you need to begin taking the next step toward the things that really, truly, matter to you. And to change the way you, and hopefully others, go through life from that moment on….

July 16, 2018

Security: The Myth

Security. It’s always looked upon as desirable: a secure job, a secure home, a secure future, a secure investment. The list is endless of the secure things or situations we desire. Why? While the answers to that question are myriad, for me, and for many others: security implies continuity, safety, protection from outside forces, longevity, and so many other things that make us feel less vulnerable and protected. In this, however, is the myth of permanence. Of landing the perfect job, that we keep until our golden years, retiring with a gold watch, and then spending the rest of our lives in bliss. Or of the ideal marriage, to the man or woman of your dreams, to grow with each other, more in love each year. And how often does this happen? In my experience, often enough to keep the dream alive for so many. And that’s not a bad thing; an ideal that gives hope, gives love, and a sound future, but one that also takes work, heartache, pain, and sometimes the wisdom to realize the current situation is not working for anyone involved, and it might be better to part company. But, if we go back to our original statement, security in anything is a myth, a fable used by us, and against us, to convince ourselves that this time, this person IS the answer to our prayers. But no job is forever. Marriages that seem Heaven-blessed crumble and fall apart. Blue-chip companies fold. Real estate values fluctuate like a weather-vane. And why does any of this matter? Because, when ‘security’ does not work out for us in whatever way, we begin to try and reconstruct the paradigm of what kept us happy for so long. As we begin to do so, the task gets muddy, difficult to define, and stymies us as to what we need to do to approximate a similar situation. And…. It. Doesn’t. Work. And it doesn’t work because it never really existed anyway; it was just a means to justify how we were living at the time, as in “Golden Handcuffs,” to coin a phrase. My own case in point: a job I held twice (yes, once was not enough) ended with a massive layoff, a comfy severance, outplacement service, and a ‘sorry, but good luck’ from my then-boss. Not an easy breakfast to digest, but at the end of the day, it realized I didn’t have to do that stupid job again, nor would I ever need to converse with the micromanaging egotist that delivered the message. But, five months later, as severance was coming to an end, and offers were beginning to come, I went for prestige of company, location, and salary, all reproducing, and one-upping, my previous situation. And the result: less time for personal projects, less time with my family, more time in New York, and far, far less autonomy in deciding how my day would be spent at work. This lasted nine months, the human gestation period, before I moved on to a much better, but very different, position that challenged me, made me whine and complain that I didn’t have this or didn’t have that, all the while trying to ignore that I was happy when I was actually at work, with a great team of people, and the bills were being paid, and I was okay. Until one day I sat back and really saw where I was, what I was doing, and that this was allowing me…no, challenging me, to begin to really change in how I led my life that would bring the true, deep satisfaction of what I as doing being enough. And no. I’m not quite there yet, but with the knowledge that what I am doing is the thing I need to do to reach the next level, the next step, of my life, I am creating new ways of using this experience to teach me as much as possible, before the next logical step presents itself….

July 2, 2018July 2, 2018

Taking Action

Every morning I journal for about fifteen minutes, filling three legal pad pages with my thoughts, hopes, dreams, complaints, and ideas. It started about twenty-five years ago with Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, which was the only text ‘assigned’ in a class I was taking to learn how to be more open with how I lived my life, and who I was. Those last two would take a lot of time, way beyond that class and those people, but eventually I began to live the way I thought and felt. That aside, deciding to take action in the form of a class, as well as committing to developing a habit of writing every day, was the first time I really said to myself that ‘things’ were not working with what was in place, so it was time to replace the current behaviors with those that might put me closer to where I wanted to be. Wherever that was…. While I would eventually figure where and what ‘that’ was, taking action was the key to so many new worlds.

That action, the first I’d taken since college graduation, insofar as helping myself was concerned, was the key. I began to meet new people, people more aligned with how I was thinking, of thinking many of the same things, or at least in the same way I was, and it was exhilarating. People who were a part of my being stuck began to drift away, which was alarming at first, but then I saw that we were helping each other stay ‘stuck’ and that when one of us began to make changes to go in different directions, the reasons we were together started to fray and eventually we went our separate ways. Which was good. New starts, taking action, and deciding what you really want, and are willing to work for, perhaps only for now, are one of the paths to realizing the life you’ve dreamed. And sometimes, it is very different from the one you thought was your goal in the past.

Two years ago, I was laid off from a ‘Golden Handcuffs’ job, and promptly sought to recreate it. And I did, in a way, and the new one was worse, in different ways, and so I moved on, taking a step back in both position and compensation, to give myself time to clear my head, to read and write, and to discern the direction I needed to take in my life. Each little intentional action I took during this period led to new knowledge and the realization that what I was doing now was preparing me to go in the direction I have always wanted to go, but didn’t know how. The means to another end. And the bonus is that each decision I make, whether the goal pans out or not, is leading me closer. I step forward, and learn things I need to know. See things I need to see. New people offer to help with something I’ve been struggling to complete. And each day I gain new insight into what I know I have to do to keep stretching and growing as both a person and an artist.

What dormant dreams are in your life? And is there something you could do—big or small—to begin exploring that possibility?

June 26, 2018

Simple Pleasures

Simplicity. As humans, we’re taught that simplifying things makes them easier to understand, so that we can convey our message to more people, with fewer complications that might confuse people. How easy is it though? And that, of course, depends on how we think as individuals. Someone with a mechanical bent might explain things in terms of the workings of a project or idea. Someone more theatrical might define things in the way people interact with one another. And yet another will illustrate that our journey through life will define how we see things. So, who’s right? And, of course, they all are right, whatever right means in this case. And I use ‘right’ in quotes because it is how we see the world that makes one answer make more sense to us as individuals. The trouble, if ‘trouble’ means ‘conflict’ in this case, means that while the workings of a project might define how plans are made to the mechanically inspired, they will mean next to nothing to those who are more spiritually influenced; this latter group will want to know how the ‘workings’ will motivate those more celestially motivated, and why we should get on board with things we don’t understand in ways that mean something to us. Herein lies the work of those organizing or managing such endeavors, to reach into ourselves and find those individual strands of mechanization, or spirituality, or theatricality, that we can take the ‘vision’, i.e. the project at hand, and create a way for everyone involved to support the central vision, and find a common way to create the desired result.

Oh. Of course. And, really, brain surgery is easier…. Now, while I don’t mean to denigrate the skills of brain surgeons, my point is that it takes exceptional skill, as a communicator, to gather a group of diverse, multi-talented people, and direct them toward a common, higher goal, AS A GROUP, and find ways to bridge gaps in the understanding of how things need to be done, but more, in finding ways to communicate what a could be a commonly understood idea, in ways that each one of these people can not only grasp, but can see its importance to others, as well as themselves, in helping to create this new idea.

And that ‘skill’ is empathy. There is a goal, be it ending world hunger, decreasing the number of people using narcotics, making your neighborhood a safer place to live, or teaching more people to read and write, that unite and bind a diverse group, and help construct a better world. Why empathy? Because it allows us to drop our personal narrative for something outside ourselves, and to concentrate on improving something bigger than ourselves, but which is part-and-parcel of who we are as people. Of looking, not only at the way we wish the world might be, but at what opportunities might be available for and to others, of what might be accomplished if everyone had the same educational possibilities, and if we all worked for that same, equal standing.

June 18, 2018

The Means to Change…

We have all been in situations during our lives that are not ideal, those instances we find ourselves in circumstances that allow us to create something else, something greater, than where we are during these times. And sometimes those times are annoying, even painful, due to the events that led us to this position. And sometimes we are there on purpose, a scheme in place to use the situation to our advantage to think, to plan how to reach a higher level, whatever that means to each of us. That last is where I am at the moment. I’m using skills I’ve developed through years of sales, account management, and learning how to develop people and business to create time. In taking a step back, both in terms of compensation and position, I’ve found the time and means to think and remember what I wanted when I was much younger. When anything seemed possible if you just wanted it enough. Before some of life’s harsher lessons taught you to be more wary, and safer. And I’m remembering the big things, like wanting to be a writer, from the time I was a little boy, and probably wasn’t entirely sure why. Because playing with words was just so cool, and how awesome it could be to spend your days creating new worlds, new stories, and then the pleasure of telling them to others. What a way to live! And of course, as soon as any dreamer, of any age, declares their vision, the resistance begins. From others. From situations. And life interferes, and that beautiful vision of that beautiful child is somehow pushed to the side, to be looked at sideways, longing to jump into the middle of it, and make it come alive. And for some, that’s where it ends. And in my case, I thought it had, and I had made peace with the life I now led, with its incidental pleasures of moving through this world I really hadn’t created, but somehow happened upon, and I took up residence.

Until last year. When a work layoff put me out of that world, which I quickly—but badly, I must admit—recreated in a certain way, and finally reached a point where I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to step away from the path I was on to just get my bearings. And to see that the trail I’d been following for far too long was just not going to get me anywhere I could see happiness, and that perhaps straying off the path—on purpose—would help me see the woods, and, if I was lucky, find a way back to the original dream. And so I left that job, and found a group of people who thought what I was doing was a great idea, and that we could work together as I was doing it. And so it began. Yes, I’m dealing with situations I know how to negotiate, as well the clients of the place I am now, and I work with a team that show me, each day, how to move through life in a way that is positive, and that what I am doing in my time away from work is a great thing, and they’re interested in seeing what I’m doing. And I am finding I am amongst writers: journalists, aspiring novelists, bloggers! And they offer their help with their specialty, if I need it, or with other related things like computer savvy! I am now building my new world, the one I always wanted, while keeping the bills paid, and finding new resources to help me reach ever higher, toward that long-neglected, long-ignored dream I’d created so many years ago. Even if the result turns out to be different than I’d imagined, I am grateful for the journey to this point in time, and am excited to continue….

June 9, 2018

Within Reach…

Most of us strive to live better, happier lives, making more time for family and friends, taking vacations, learning a new language or sport, and the like. And we likely spend a great deal of our time working, at one job/career or another, in order to have the means to do so. But what about those ‘jobs’ or ‘careers’ that are part and parcel of who we are, or involve those things we love to do or create? I think many of us look at those as the unicorns of the working world: things that are great to think or dream about, but don’t really exist. But is that really the case? Stories of those individuals who have managed to create such an existence are catnip to most of us in jobs that are the means to doing ‘what we really love,’ as opposed to supporting ourselves and our families by doing those things that feed us intellectually and spiritually, as well as financially. In some cases, a catastrophic event, like job loss, divorce, death of a loved one, etc., is the catalyst for a person to realize the life they lived previously is not the life they want to continue as they move through the pain of the event and begin to remake their lives in another way. And thus is born the writer, the entrepreneur, using their own wits to create a source of income, and of new life, by doing what they’ve always wanted to do, but never saw a way to make it happen. But, what if what you had always wanted to do was all-of-a-sudden within reaching distance, and all you had to do was put your hand out to begin a new journey? How many of us would do it? And how many of us would laugh, and say how nice it would be, and then do nothing? And what about those caught between those two options: wanting desperately to reach out and grab the opportunity, but hesitate, paralyzed by fear? Fear of success, of failure, and of finally taking responsibility for creating your own happiness? And why fear something wonderful, something we’ve dreamt of for so long?

And the answer is ‘Change.’ In a new situation, professional or personal, there is always the adaptation to change, learning new things, meeting new people, seeing our own world from a completely different point of view. And. That. Is. Terrifying. In our lives, we dance a particular dance, one we have learned quite well, and the thought of being awkward and clumsy again—at whatever age—is a thought we don’t want to entertain in any way. We admire athletes, dancers, singers, speakers for the smooth, almost-effortless way they practice their discipline, always forgetting that we never saw the series of strike-outs at the plate, the missed steps, the forgotten, off-pitch lyrics, the fumble of notes hoping to find the next thought. All things those we admire have endured, and have worked to improve, so that the perfect drive off the tee, the exquisitely executed dive, look effortless, and increase our admiration of their skill. So, when that opportunity to reach out and begin to create a new way of living, or working, or being, presents itself, reach out, grab it, and let it dictate what you need to do to make it happen. And those awkward moments that will come with it? When you begin to realize that each new demand is making you better, more skilled, more savvy, about the direction you are heading—the direction you always wanted to go—it’s much easier to laugh at yourself and the situation, knowing the errors are not permanent, not damaging, and that you will not only emerge unscathed, but wiser and happier for taking responsibility for where you are now heading.

June 1, 2018June 2, 2018

Forward Motion

In physics, a moving object influenced by gravity will eventually come to rest and stop moving. That is, unless it is energized by an outside force: wind blowing leaves, currents moving buoys, children rolling balls. So, too, can life come to rest and stop moving. When we’re young, we talk with our friends about what we’d like to do after we’re finished with school, or the direction we would like to see our lives go, where we might live, what our love life might look like, and so forth. And those dreams fuel our choices. That is, until we find ourselves in a position where we are fairly comfortable, life is good, if not the perfect picture we had envisioned in the past. We begin to maintain, come to rest, and while we may not stop participating in the daily life of our family, community, or work, a quiet stasis begins to be the biggest influence on the decisions we make in our lives. And our lives stop growing, progressing, and we stop learning, and challenging ourselves to reach higher, to do better, to improve. Unless that life is energized from outside. Change is one of those forces that can energize a life, as is necessity. Faced with new prospects, new jobs, having a child, moving to a new city, all of a sudden life is energized and we begin to make decisions, once more, that are focused on moving forward, improving.

Finding the Better Way: An Outsider’s View is that energizing force for me. Having reached an age where I felt comfortable with what life was giving me, I began to maintain—unconsciously—the sources of that life: of the job, of the social contacts it gave me, of relationship with friends, life at home and in society. And I somehow stopped learning new things, and stopped doing things that were so important to me at one time, like writing. And then the job was gone; restructuring in my company left me searching for a job. And, in maintenance mind-set, I tried to reproduce that job at another company, but it turned into a bad version of what I had been doing, leaving me a bit jaded at the industry as a whole. And I still wasn’t writing. Until things finally got so bad, I decided it was time to stop pursuing this career that I really didn’t want, and to simply do something that would produce an income to keep me afloat while I began to write again. And things began to happen…. I reached out to a friend I’d worked with previously and asked about open positions. She put me in touch with the recruiter, and I had an interview. And another. A third, and a fourth…and, yes, a job offer. A big cut in pay, but with the most amazing, supporting group of co-workers I’d ever worked with anywhere. Ever. And I began to write again. And to dust off the novel I’d abandoned so many years ago. And to create Finding the Better Way, a home for those looking for inspiration, stories of success and failure—and realizing that failure is just learning one more thing that didn’t work—that may help each of us decide to push ourselves a bit harder today, to make the time to practice the piano again, to sing songs that make us feel alive, and to begin living the life we’d always dreamed of way back when. And it’s a little scary, dealing with computer technology I don’t know—perfectionist tendencies—putting my writing out there and hoping it resonates with like-minded people, and beginning to push myself to make the world a better place than I found it, and creating a community of people determined to do the same in their lives. So, welcome aboard, and let the journey begin…