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Leap…and_Grow

It’s only human nature to stick to the things we already know, socialize with our old friends, and to do the same things time and again. There is comfort in this. And there is fear within new things. Learning a new language, knowing we will make mistakes, embarrass ourselves with errors, and feel silly when we are grasping for that perfect word. The only way to really learn those foreign languages is to do just that: fail toward success, and learn with each mistake. Fear of looking foolish is natural, yet we all do so at various times in our lives with no harm done but a bruised ego. In the classic fable ‘The Golden Key,’ an old man shows a boy the reality of the world around him and that there is no progress without some risk. He moves an enormous stone from the cave’s floor, and shows the boy a hole that seems to be bottomless. The boy objects, saying that it’s impossible. The Man only replies that he must throw himself in the hole, that there is no other way, and that while it is truly scary, it is the way.

We are here on this earth for such a really short time. In a particular job. As a single person. It also seems that far too many of us let the fear of something—looking foolish, being thought stupid, failing—stop us in our tracks and we simply go on existing without challenge or satisfaction. Fear is to be respected as it can, indeed, protect us from all sorts of unpleasant things, but if we can change that paradigm to feel fear…of what we will miss if we do not take action, our lives begin to change. To say ‘yes’ to those things that frighten us, like running a marathon, writing a book, or starting a business. Like the boy facing the bottomless hole shown to him by the old man, knowing that everything will change should he take that leap into the unknown.

Taking action, and making tough decisions can be difficult. Largely, there are no easy choices, and it is hard to judge the consequences of the decision made today and of the effect we will face tomorrow. This is, of course, what really scares us: making the wrong choice. And the questions haunt our thoughts, things like, ‘what if it doesn’t work?’ or ‘what other options are there?’  So, by doing so, we paralyze ourselves with analysis, and our idea, our project, our work comes to a grinding, screeching halt, and we find no progress is made.

As Kierkegaard reminds us, ‘What cowardice fears most of all is the making of a resolution, for a resolution instantly dissipates the mist.’ We can choose or we can not choose, but if we bravely choose, and then act, our lives have changed forever. We are no longer deliberating, we are no longer procrastinating, but we are moving forward! Forward toward whatever goal we decide we want to accomplish, from that leap in the dark, into thin air and the heretofore unknown life we only dreamed about living before that moment.

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Real_Growth

Photo:Pixabay

At certain times in our lives, we look around and see that our lives are not what we had hoped, and decide to make changes for the better. To get in shape, to learn a foreign language, to read more, or spend more time with our families. All good things, and worthy changes that will make us better people in the long run. And many times, we begin and our resolve to stick to our goals fizzles out more quickly than we thought, and we find ourselves back where we started, no better off, and wishing things were better than they are. Real goals, ones that we stick to, ones that we accomplish, begin when we call ourselves out on our own faults. Realizing, and admitting to the fact that it’s just so much easier to sleep an extra half-hour than to get out of bed, lace up your trainers and go for a run before work. Or perhaps placing constraints on what time we do have, and deciding to finish the report for work as soon as we get home, rather than spend time with our children, and finishing the report—in a much better frame of mind!—after the kids are in bed. When we finally get tired of hearing our own excuses, complaints, objections, and dislikes, and decide to do something anyway…is when real growth begins.

As humans, we have the capability of justifying nearly everything we think is right, or that we believe in, despite the evidence that these things are not working for us, or those around us. There is an old saying that addresses this: ‘nothing changes if nothing changes.’ We all want things to change for the better, but largely without making any change in how we live our lives and how we make decisions. Many of the programs designed to help people break addiction to alcohol, drugs, etc., use a form of ‘when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired’ of your condition, that’s when real change can begin. When the excuses, no matter how good, how justifiable, are recognized for the enabling crutches they are.  While many of the changes most of us want to make in our lives are not this dire, the mind-set is often the same. 

The changes we might need to make in our lives do not have to be enormous, difficult changes in our lives, though. These changes can be as simple as saying ‘I will eat salad with dinner each night, or I will not have dessert,’ and the changes begin as our bodies adapt to the new diet. Spending a few minutes in the morning with our spouse or children, talking and asking questions begins to open our minds to hearing and understanding those things which concern others, as well. Similarly, a walk after lunch is the beginning of becoming aware of our bodies as well as taking in nature, such as it might exist where we live, is a new beginning as well. The small steps are not only achievable quickly, but as quickly, we begin to see things in a new and different way, and our understanding of them in this way starts to grow.

Change and growth, which keep us engaged with life and with the others around us, is truly not a mountain to climb, but an honest look at our lives, how we are living, and what we could change to make it better, as our entry to change that leads to a better life for us all.

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Silence &Motivation

Photo:cocoparisienne/Pixabay

Making changes in our lives is an exciting thing. When things happen to us in our lives, like being accepted to our school of choice, or perhaps being promoted at work, it ramps up our feelings of fulfillment, achievement, and personal success. Dopamine is released into our bodies and we have enhanced feelings of pleasure. As a result, we feel happy, focused and energized; all feelings we like to have, and that we actually seek when we are not feeling them. When we are seeking to change things in our lives on our own, that, too, is an energizer for us, and anticipating the coming success, we like to tell others about what we are doing and how we are doing it. This is a completely natural feeling and most of us don’t realize that when making changes in our own lives, moving ‘in silence’ through this process is often a better tactic than announcing our plans to our world.

‘Why is this so?’ you might ask, and it’s a great question. When we tell others about our plans to get in the best shape of our lives, or perhaps to finally start that business we’ve flirted with in our past, suddenly things change. Telling others about our plans to start our business, along with where we will be located, our goals for our first year, and how we want to grow, we are releasing ‘cheap’ dopamine into our system, although only the words have been spoken, while no action has been taken. This shot of dopamine into our bloodstream gives us those same happy and satisfied feelings we have when we have already accomplished something, yet in this case, we are feeling those same great feelings though nothing has been accomplished. By telling others our end goals, we have tricked our brains into thinking they already exist, which effectively lowers our own motivation to push ahead because we have already felt the joy of accomplishment.

Conversations with friends and acquaintances about what is happening in our lives is a natural and pleasurable part of the relationships we form as we move through life. As such, it might be completely natural to mention something we are working on, hoping for, or desiring, but the details are often better kept to ourselves. Most of us work very hard to make a good life for ourselves and our families, but the hardest thing can be not allowing ourselves to get trapped into the mental cycle of planning to change our lives, but never actually doing it.

While a kind word from a friend or loved one is sometimes just what we need when life challenges us, it is often the case when doing hard things, extraordinary things, that ‘falling in love’ with those things that make it ‘hard’ is the key to moving through the challenges we face. Moving through difficult times, work, or situations makes us stronger, more mindful and flexible, enabling us to move through these times, to rise and triumph yet again.

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Removing the Barriers

Photo: Klimkin/Pixabay

This world is such a huge place. Physically, we are separated from so many people and cultures, and though we learn much about other places, there is only so much we can do to make that more personal and intimate. How many of us go to parties, to school, to work, and are content to interact only with those with whom we have some commonality, some similarity, that makes the connection a bit more personal? Most of us at times. But what about all of those other people we simply do not know? How many friends have we not made, only to meet these same people later in life and find so much in common? And how much friendship, pleasure, and fellowship have we passed by because we were content to know what we already know, and not reach out to learn more?

In light of this, it is interesting to think of the business convention, with people from all over the country, or perhaps around the world, in attendance, and we choose to sit with and interact with those we already know. We are all in attendance, dressed professionally, some of us are scheduled to speak to larger groups, and we are all wearing a paper name tag that says, ‘Hi! My name is _______.’ We see people, we read their name on the tag, and then return to our group, our ‘safe’ space. Yet, in every one of these situations, there are a few people who step out of their comfort zone, and say, ‘Hi Robert. My name is Mary. It’s nice to meet you.’ A conversation follows where we learn where they live, what their life is like, are they married or single, are there children in their lives, and so much else. And all of a sudden, we know someone new. Just like that. We have, in a minute or two, turned into actual human beings, instead of strangers studying the landscape, trying to decide what we can and cannot do in this particular situation.

One similar situation that happened in my own life landed me a friend, that, though I have not seen her now for over twenty years, I know the minute we meet again, we will converse and rejoice in each other’s company as if there had not been such a long expanse of time between our meetings, as if we had seen each other last week, and the knowledge and intimacy of our friendship will only be strengthened. Because one of us reached out, said ‘Hello’ or similar, and the words began to flow, leading us to know one another better, and as our time together passed—far too quickly—we forged a bond that still exists. We have been in contact since, through relationships, a marriage for each of us, and a comparison of our lives and how they have changed since we first met, living across the hall from one another, at an ancient school, in another country, so many years ago, and we put our hands out, said ‘Hi!’ and found a barrier removed. This type of thing not only removes barriers, it allows us to truly be who we are, truly and honestly, and to allow someone else into our lives that makes a real difference in our words and thoughts.

Breaking through those fences, removing the barriers, being ourselves, and letting others be their true selves as well, is the start of friendship, of love, and of respect. Not only for others, but for ourselves as well. And it all begins with laying aside the fear of being judged, of not being liked, and of taking the chance that we have greeted a person who will not only reciprocate, but will change how we think and move through life.

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Change As Catalyst

Photo: Geralt /Pixabay

‘It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

—Charles Darwin

Change is an interesting thing in our lives. We meet and greet it in different ways; sometimes grateful for it, and other times lamenting it has become a part of our lives. As children, when everything we see and discover is truly brand new, change is not scary or threatening, but we are excited to embark on this new adventure. Later on, as we get older, we begin expecting certain things in our lives to remain the same, at least for a while, and changes in these things are seen as ‘difficulties’ or ‘problems’ to be dealt with quickly. 

So what happened to this perspective between childhood and adulthood? Historically, mankind’s evolution counted on us knowing which animals, plants and situations were dangerous and could hurt us, allowing us to make quicker decisions and moving on to safer ‘ground’ with our lives intact. Each new thing we encountered at this time could possibly be a threat, and so we either learned to avoid this type of situation, or we possibly did not survive to tell about it. While our known world is far less dangerous than in previous times, the signals we receive are harder to see, hear, and decipher; they are far more sophisticated in appearance and intent, and it is sometimes difficult to tell exactly what we are facing. In short, we now think with our ancient brains making some decisions, and our advanced brains making others, and that can be confusing at times. 

What to do? One school of thought asks us to presume to best intentions and make the best of the situation at hand, which teaches us new and different lessons, some pleasant, some not so pleasant, but we can then move forward into similar situations and make better decisions in the future. Another way to see this is to reject what is in front of us, sticking with the ‘tried-and-true’ and what we already know, even if the situation is truly novel in our lives. This tack puts us in the position of adapting the knowledge we do have to a situation in which our prior knowledge will not suffice, and failure lies in front of us. A third way might be a combination of these two, where we collaborate with others, asking questions to clarify, better see the differences and likenesses, apply carefully selected older ideas to the new situation, while experimenting with new methods to better learn how to navigate the new situation. Each failure we experience in this then becomes just another way it will not work, and allows us to look at new ideas and ways to putting our minds to the task at hand; perhaps creating something we had not considered before, but that allows us to see our problem or project in a new and unique way.

Responding to change does not have to be difficult, but it is sometimes difficult to see the ‘new way’ we need to see in order to make things work the way we would like. Looking at new things and situations is something we were once so very good at doing, something that was exciting to us, and that can be intriguing again. Letting go of a particular way, thought, or technique from our past, and simply allowing ourselves to see the ‘new’ in everything, will allow us the freedom and creativity to make wonderful, new things happen in our lives and for a better world.

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Just Begin

Photo:MartinSanchez/Unsplash

Many of us have long lists of things to get done during our day, and we approach it in different ways. We all know—or are—the super-organized person who writes out her list, ticks off the things as she finishes them, and watches the time to be sure she has enough time to complete her checklist. Or, we have a general idea of what needs to happen in our day, and we start on what we might view as the most important thing to be done first. We all have different ways of approaching tasks in our lives, and we also have put off things we know we should do sooner than later, but we keep pushing those until ‘later.’ Well, as we often find out, ‘later’ never comes, and something doesn’t get done. Why? Perhaps it’s something that we don’t enjoy doing, or perhaps it’s a difficult conversation we need to have with a co-worker or family member that we really don’t want to have. In these cases, we are already thinking of the ‘worst-case scenario,’ and feeling that it will be difficult, or draining, we put it off until later. Of course, the issues that do need to be discussed don’t get discussed, and the problem that pushed us to bring up the subject continues and nothing is solved. And so goes the cycle of not-accomplishing something. 

There is an old adage that goes something like,’Success comes when you begin.’  Simple, and to the point. It says nothing about our fear of success or failure of any given task, or how we might feel about what we are about to face, but just the simplicity of starting. So. Start now. Take a few minutes and make a list of what needs to be done. Don’t skimp on anything or avoid the hard stuff because we aren’t actually doing anything right now; we are simply setting up things—planning—now to do later. Now take a look at the list in front of you and select the top five things to be done. From this shortened list, now choose one thing. This is what you will do next. Ideally, it will be something you can accomplish today, for if it requires too much time, you won’t be able to move through it quickly and be tempted to give up. So, if it can be done in about ten or fifteen minutes, choose this one. This task will be your small win for the day. But, wait, we’re not quite finished. We now need to make a decision to do this one thing. By taking the first step to begin this task and starting, you have made the decision easy by just beginning.

Yes, there are a lot of things we could be doing instead of this small task, but for habitual procrastinators, like myself, this is difficult work. But by giving ourselves those ‘small wins’ and begin to see that putting things off only complicates our lives, we begin to think in a different way, and the thought that maybe doing this now isn’t quite as bad as I thought begins to be replaced by beginning to see what can quickly and easily be done, checked off the list, and we are able to move on to other, perhaps more enjoyable things in our lives. We simply need to keep thinking, ‘just begin…’

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Growth & Information

Photo: sasint/Pixabay

For the past few years in the United States, we have heard much about ‘information’—accurate and inaccurate, right and left, fact-based and pure-fantasy—and we have heard these things so often, and from so many different sources, that it’s often difficult to keep things straight in our minds. Additionally, the fact that we have access to ‘information’ at all times puts us in the unique position of sifting through the abundance of ‘facts’ on our own. As humans, most people want validating information; that is, information that confirms the ideas and thoughts they already have; that upholds their point of view. 

This last idea is curious, as it counters the way we typically learn as humans, and how we grow intellectually and socially. Growth of any kind requires us to be open to letting go of things that no longer serve us, and learn how to adapt to the new circumstances. It may also ask us to discard ideas that worked for us in the past, but are no longer of use. When growing physically, we tend not to notice these things, as they are happening organically and we note only the change itself. One day we are taller, or more coordinated, or can run very fast, and we would be hard pressed to place those changes in our learning curve.

It is our intellectual, spiritual, and psychological growth that seeks validation. If it worked before, it should work now. Right? Not necessarily. As we mature, and as our learning skills become sharper, it is easy to slip into a pattern of doing things the same way. We learned them already, we are familiar with how to do them and what the outcome should be, which is comforting. Growth, though wonderful, is often uncomfortable. Learning to write in cursive, after a few years of printing is a big disturbance in both our mind and body, but now we have options: perhaps printing an invitation, and writing notes in cursive. It is when we begin learning things about what we have come to identify with that we rebel against what we’re being told.

In many countries around the world, people have an idea of what defines ‘a citizen,’ inclusive of behavior, thoughts, and words spoken are acceptable. Faced with someone whose words and behavior contradicts our views on this subject, we feel upset, attacked, and defensive. With their actions, they have caused us to question our own beliefs, instead of validating them. In the USA, the past few years have seen this played out multiple times as ‘other’ pieces of information are introduced. The factual history of this information has always been there, but because it did not validate the national group-think on the subject, it was relegated to extraneous history of a very small group of people. So, like any new information we encounter, this has caused a societal dissonance, as many will cling to what has been in place, rather than treating it as a new discovery. For many of us, it is new, and deserves to be explored like discovering new islands, new methodology, or simply learning a new skill. 

Nothing is harmed by accepting something new and then learning about it; we did it as children. We then watched our own children discover similar things and delighted in the joy they found as each new discovery came to light for them. Perhaps if we are able to find ways to let ourselves ‘grow down’ and discover new things, marveling at their unique characteristics and how they fit into what we already know, we might be able to peacefully let go of things we now see do not fit into the ever-changing puzzle that is our existence.

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Alone…. Together….

Photo: Pixabay

You’ve seen these people.  In the streets, in the market, waiting at the deli, buying movie tickets.  They’re everywhere, and seem to grow in number by the minute. And what they’re doing is not illegal. Nor is it harmful to others, for the most part. You know who they are: those people under the impression that they are the only person on the planet.  Or at least in the general vicinity.  Stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to more fully explain, and with hand gestures, what they’re talking about, requiring everyone else to try and move around them and their posse.  Or the one in the produce section of the market, cart in the middle of the aisle, taking his time to decide between the shiitakes or the portabellas, despite having made this decision before leaving home and writing it on his list.  Or forgetting one of geometry’s principle tenets, that the shortest distance between two point is a straight line; the evidence here being the slow, meandering, diagonal walk across the parking lot, effectively blocking all traffic from proceeding until they’ve reached their destination.  

And yes, I’m being a crank, because I also have a life to live, and I want to get to it, without waiting for these people to reach a decision or destination at last.  And like many, patience is not one of my strong suits; something I work on constantly, but like others, I fail more than I succeed here.  And why is this such a big deal?  Because, it seems these folks have decided that they are not responsible for being considerate to others, despite being out in society, in public, where others have different needs, wants and agendas.  While the individual is not, indeed, responsible for someone else’s life, the individual IS responsible for being a good enough citizen that everyone in society can go about their business without being hindered by someone else’s behavior or actions.  ‘Good enough citizen’ means moving aside when someone says ‘excuse me,’ or conducting themselves in a crowded area so that everyone can move through or around the area without endangering anyone else, and moving aside from the most-commonly used path to allow equal access to everyone.  It means being aware, and paying attention to the situation at hand, rather than the cell phone, for example, and actually taking the time to notice what is happening in the deli, restaurant, gas station, etc., adapting to the circumstances, and moving on when you have finished your business there.  A part of this last is having the courtesy—I know, a too-little-used, slightly-mocked word by too many—to see and asses the situation and then asking if you are in the way, does someone need help, or directions, or simply if you can pass by or give your order if someone seems to need more time to make a decision.  And, to remember that someone asking these types of questions are probably not judging you, are not necessarily annoyed by you, but are simply looking to go about their business as quickly as they can, and are politely asking you to help them do so.  When these questions come, it’s not about or against you, but about you and another taking part in the sometimes easy, sometimes complex, journey through life in society.  Together.

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How We Sustain

Photo: marcelkessler/Pixabay

We all have those days, perhaps weeks or months, when we don’t quite know what we need to do to keep ourselves moving through this life. At these times, it seems and feels like whatever we do, whenever we do it, things just don’t seem to work out for us the way we might like. Life somewhat stalls at those moments, and we begin to question nearly everything we’ve done beforehand, and judge those actions and decisions as not helpful, and mostly to blame for where we feel we have landed. Of course, this is not the case. We have all made mistakes in our past—big and small—but we keep moving forward, perhaps apologizing and feeling bad for our choice, and eventually we come to feel better about ourselves and where we are.

We are, in philosophical terms, in the Wilderness; that place, or feeling of being alone, remorseful for our behavior, and hoping for answers that don’t seem to come as fast as we would like. So we continue moving through the Wilderness—our life—and looking more closely at the people and things we encounter. Each, after all, might have the answers we seek, and we simply don’t want to miss the chance to speak with them and learn more about who they are. Many times, we encounter others in the same Wilderness as we; searching, looking, listening, and attempting to better understand how to move forward. So, what can we do in this case? Most simply, we can acknowledge where we are, how we feel, and reassure ourselves that this is where we need to be: confused, hopeful, uncertain, and determined. And while those feelings do not necessarily help us feel better, they are keys to feeling better, and giving ourselves another chance to do better the next time.

When we make mistakes, realizing that we have done so, and acknowledging this fact is our first, and most difficult, step we can take. It involves taking our minds back to the events that put us where we are now, remembering the actions, words, and circumstances involved, looking—with honesty and truth—at how the events unfolded, our part in them, and seeing—in slow-motion, almost—how we are now able to move forward and what it will take for us to do so.  However easy or difficult these words and actions might be for us, having recently relived the events, we are able to map out our journey out of the wilderness and into a more peaceful life again.

While these journeys out of our own personal Wilderness may not be easy, being in the Wilderness and experiencing it in all ways will help us make better choices in our lives as we move forward and embrace life, again, with all of it’s twists and turns. 

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Walking the Labyrinth

Photo: SplitShare/Pixabay

Most of us learn very quickly that life is more apt to throw us twists and curves than it is to throw us easily navigated paths. It sometimes seems rather more like a labyrinth, with many dead ends and false paths. Like walking the labyrinth, though, we learn that the unintended endings and such were not bad things, but things that taught us just one of the ways we could not walk through, but that we needed to search for others. We will find the right door, if we will just be patient—largely with ourselves—and keep searching. 

The past few years of my own life have been a bit like this, starting with a large corporate layoff from a company I liked, admired, and I really enjoyed being there and the work I did. When the layoff news came, I was stunned and did not know what to do or where to turn. Later that afternoon, I decided to do something I have always done and turn to my physical body for answers. By this, I mean I put my body in motion as that has always been my truest self and it is when moving that I hear the truest answers. I went for a run. As I began the run back home, running smoothly on a country road by a beautiful farm, I became aware of a slight buzzing sound that only grew in volume as I continued my run home. Quickly, I realized I was running within a large swarm of dragonflies. Alarmed at first, but then realizing I was in no danger I relaxed back into my pace, the dragonflies following me for a little while, and then going off on their own, leaving me alone to finish running. After arriving home, I looked up dragonflies and their meaning, to find that dragonflies are the harbingers of change. Certainly, this day, that rang true for me. My life had already changed greatly since rising that morning, and would continue to change for a few years to come.

Within a short while, I did find another job, similar to the previous one I had liked, but the differences were enough for me to decide to leave after a year. Another job, different from the last in many ways, lasted a couple of years before COVID-19 changed the way we all work, at least for a while. And, of course, another job replaced that one as well. It is not perfect, and I would prefer things to be different in particular ways, but it has been interesting to see, not only the path I’ve traveled, but of the things I learned while moving through these circumstances. Patience is the key term here. Not being known for saintly patience by nearly everyone I know, it is so interesting to ‘observe’ myself—in retrospect—as someone who patiently deals with clients, adverse situations, and makes a great effort to get as much out of every situation in which I find myself as I possibly can. Walking the labyrinth…

In our lives, we are all not just trying to find our path, our purpose, our center, but to help others find theirs as well. Patience may try us at times as we try to do this, but finding it, again and again, only serves to teach, not only ourselves, but those with whom we keep company, or who watch us from afar, or who simply cross our paths at the right time. It also shows us what we truly seek: our true path of life.