Blog

Posted on

Not Judging the Mundane

Everyone loves excitement and new experiences in their lives. We take vacations to places both familiar and exotic, reveling in the differences of that place as opposed to our ‘usual’ place. We watch movies and hear concerts for stories and music played live rather than recorded, and we read books to learn about so many things beyond our own world. And we will continue to do so because it enriches us, makes us think about people and the world in a different way. Sometimes it reinforces what we already think, and it is good to see those familiar things expressed from a different point of view. 

What about the mundane things in our lives? Those less exciting parts of life that need to be done like the laundry, cutting the grass, doing homework, or reports at work, and all those things we have judged to be less-than-interesting. What about those? Many of us approach those things with an ‘I just need to get this done,’ usually as quickly as possible, before moving on to something else. And that’s fine. Cutting grass as I was growing up was hardly my favorite thing to do, but it was one of the expectations my parents had of me, and there was no negotiating this. So I did it. At first, I was a bit irritated, especially in the hot, humid Midwestern summers that made me think this time would be better spent on a tennis court: if I were going to be out in this weather, I might as well be doing something I really enjoyed. So I begrudgingly finished cutting the grass, and then headed to the local courts of a game of tennis with a friend. What if, instead of bolting through the task at hand—cutting the grass—I had simply accepted it as a part of my life, which it was, and gave it the attention it deserved. Doing a good job, just because it was one of my responsibilities, and doing it well enough to actually take pleasure in the fact that I had done it well? That would have been beyond me at that time of life, but looking back at that, what if I had given it the best I could do, and then gone off to do something I deemed more satisfactory? As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, be fully mindful of what you’re doing, as you’re doing it. He promises nothing but peace of mind and soul when we operate that way. 

Taking each thing, or task, or challenge, as life presents it to us, giving it our full attention, and navigating it as best we can is a great example of living fully in the present. As the present is all we really have, why do we all fight this? Most of us have ‘better things to do’ in most cases, and we would really rather get to them, rather than reach them through the other obstacles in life. These little, seemingly mundane activities are actually a fantastic time to teach ourselves to give due attention the folding the laundry, washing the dishes, and, of course, cutting the grass; learning how to quickly focus our attention for the best result possible. And that is a skill anyone can take to the bank, as the saying goes, as it will become the core of how we navigate life and face problems.

Posted on

Reconnecting…with What Truly Matters

To every story there is an end. Life goes on. Things change. And we adapt, or not, but the stories that comprise our lives come to an end as well, in one form or another. We fall in love, hopefully forever, but sometimes it doesn’t work out, and both parties go on to the next chapter, wherever that might take them. Even when that love does, indeed, last a lifetime, humans are not immortal, and we succumb to that final separation. Many things have hoped-for endings: seeking a degree, finalizing the details for your new start-up company, purchasing a house. But the stories that make up our lives end at some point. We have all been in relationships, romantic or otherwise, where we begin to see little signs of the end coming into view. New interests on the part of your business partners that don’t particularly include you and your talents might be one case. Seeing an equal at work being assigned better projects of the sort you used to get when things were better. The little signals that start the thought process and realizing that things have changed and that it’s time to react. 

I’m here right now at work. I’m seeing my counterpart at work assigned better projects, work better schedules, and have more responsibility. And I’m okay with that. The current position I hold was not a career move for me, but an exit strategy for the industry segment in which I work. During my interview process, of course, I didn’t use the phrase, “exit strategy,” but it was all the same. I believe I said that I wanted to create more time for family, writing, and music: all things that had been neglected due to my then-hectic, completely full schedule over a number of years. I also was a cheerleader of and for the company for whom I now work during the interviewing, and I said I wanted to continue to work in this industry, and I would bring a lot of experience with client service and satisfaction, and so forth. And they loved my honesty, eventually offered me a position, and so our relationship began. And it has been one of the most incredible times of my life. Each day at work, I get to interact and play with one of the best teams I’ve ever worked with in any industry, at any time in my life, and for them I am grateful. The work itself is not quite what I thought it would be, nor did I create quite the amount of time for family, writing and music as I originally thought I would, but it has been a time of personal growth and reckoning, not to mention taking action to create that ‘better world’ I had in mind when I undertook to make the switch from my former company to this one.

Nonetheless, I am seeing signs that our relationship may be coming to an end. I will remain in touch with the friends I’ve made here. I’ve also made it clear that I did not come here to pursue career interests, but to create time and space for other things; things that excite and challenge me to be a better person, and that at some point there would be an exit. Now I feel I’m coming to a time where it will be time to act; to put up or shut up, as it were. And I am preparing myself for that day. Like the learning I’ve experienced, which has been difficult at times, mostly because what I’ve learned were things I should have learned earlier, but that circumstances didn’t allow earlier, the next step, a transitional step, will require a great deal of courage, of introspection, and trust. Thanks to the present situation, I now know I will be okay through this progression, and I have only to say thank you. Thank you to the team I work with now. Thank you for whatever forces provided me with this opportunity to learn, as well as the insight to see what I needed to do. And thank you to all my friends, family, and other loved ones for supporting me through this time.

Posted on

Letting Go of the Anger

‘You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.’

                    —Buddha

Recently I have begun to let go of anger. Not to get angry. Not that the temptation is not there, of course, but I made a conscious decision to be aware of what I was doing, and to let it go. The quote that started this piece is absolutely spot-on: when we are angry, we are in a state of fear, and the thoughts that run through our mind are uncomfortable and worrying. Anger is the offspring of Fear, just as Kindness is the offspring of Love; two sides of the same coin. Anger, though, escalates quickly, like a fire in a dry wood, and soon we have quickly lost control of ourselves. On the road, the woman who pulled in front of my car, way too close for comfort, and I wanted to land on the horn, curse her out, and follow her for a while—to appear to be a threat?—but after a deep breath, and the realization that we were both okay, and really, that she had moved on emotionally, I was able to let it drop within me. My breathing returned to normal, my focus on driving returned, and I continued my journey home in relative peace. This episode in my life sounds harmless, and it was. In my past, however, I might not have taken this tack, and in trying to let her know she had really scared me with her manœuvre, I would have continued to talk it out, having a ‘conversation’—with myself—about what had just happened. The physical aspect of this sort of thing is really the amazing part, and proof positive that what we are thinking and saying has a big effect on our physical bodies, and therefore, on our health.

This little story is just one example of the type of thing that we hang onto far after the event itself has ended, and the result is that we feel the exact same fear, loathing, anger, and passion that we did in the moment; a moment that has passed into history. As the old saying goes, no matter how often you look at the past, there is nothing new there. Life is lived in the moment, this moment, right here and now. Not ten minutes ago, and not ten years ago. The point is to know our past, not to forget it, but to use the bad things, or failures, as lessons that teach us. Anger/Fear is a powerful thing, used by oligarchs and dictators to subdue people into following their wishes and not question them. On a more personal level, the fear of being fired or laid off from a job is real, and it may motivate us to do good work by really concentrating on the tasks in front of us. Fear is not a bad thing in itself, but a warning sign that things might be better is we take a different path or action. We are able to see this only if we are completely aware of our words, our actions, and the intent behind them. It is then that we are able to be at our most effective as human beings, and create a better world for us all by gently moving through life, awake and aware.

Posted on

The Excitement of Possibility

Things may be changing in my life. While those who know me well know that changes have been the only constant in my peripatetic life, my work life may be changing. And while I love the team with whom I’ve worked, laughed, and grown so fond of over the past year or so, I also know it’s time to move on to the next challenge, the next mystery to solve on this journey through life. The thing is, it was uninvited and unexpected, and that’s not usually the case. Who knows? Maybe I’m growing wiser, letting go of things, and allowing life to take the wheel, instead of constantly planning, directing, and executing each and everything that happens in my life. But one day last week, an email appeared asking if I were interested in discussing a particular position with a company I’ve long had on my radar, and one that I’ve long respected, so this was an anomaly: something I (probably) wanted, but had done little or nothing to cause it. Two old phrases came to mind: 1. Is this too good to be true? 2. Don’t poke the bear. Let it sleep peacefully. But after a day and a half, I responded that I’d like the opportunity to talk about this opportunity, and we set up a time for a phone interview. Que ominous music….

The two days before we would speak on the phone, I did my research, going over every aspect of the company: where they’d been, where they were going, recent executive changes, marketing, what Wall Street thought, what current and former employees thought, and so on, to get a bigger picture of what I would be discussing than I had before this occurred. The result: no horror stories, recent industry awards for the Creative Director, a positive Wall Street outlook, and confidence in the CEO. All good, so all that remained was a better picture of what I would be doing, with whom would I be working directly, who my key partners were, and what specific direction would I need to take to make the move a successful one for both the company and me.

The day arrived, and I was now excited at the possibility in front of me. The phone rang about ten minutes after the agreed-upon time, but that, too, was okay, as it allowed me to look at my notes and questions and better prepare for the coming discussion. And it went…beautifully! I learned more about the position as well as the specifics of the corporate relationships I would navigate in this role, and the call closed with an invite to meet in person the next week at The Office, corporate HQ, to further discuss this possibility. And that day is coming….

And now? I’m excited! I have a good thing in front of me, as well as a good conversation with someone who will be a professional connection regardless of the outcome of this particular instance. And THAT IS EXCITING! If this works out, great! If it doesn’t, for whatever reason on either of our parts, that, too, is great. It is that little tingle of excitement in my body that allows me to relax at work and take things a little less seriously than I did before, because of the possibility in front of me. And that possibility is all the difference.

Posted on

Keep Running

Photo: wal_172619/Pixabay

Taking up a cause—personal, professional, artistic—is a significant step in our lives. It may be a decision to lose weight, or get a degree, change jobs, or run a Marathon, and our focus is suddenly riveted toward this singular goal. It may also be a simple change in our habits, like getting up earlier in the morning, avoiding sugary drinks, or taking a walk every day. To be sure, each of these things mentioned requires planning, intention, time, and thought. There will be successes, and there will be times we feel like giving up and moving on to something ‘easier,’ or that this thing ‘really doesn’t matter.’ Except that it does matter, to us. It is easy to become weighed Ure by negative thoughts, and begin to believe that we cannot accomplish anything, much less our personal goal, but if we can refocus on the fact that so many extraordinary things were done by people just like us, just by their perseverance, and not losing sight of where they want to be, we, too, are able to take just one more step.

Life itself is busy and demands our attention constantly. The job, the family, the bills to be paid, all vie for our time. And in the midst of those, we still have personal goals and dreams that keep popping up in our minds at various times. Usually, we smile, and think, ‘Boy! Wouldn’t I love to….’ and then return to what is already in place. Realizing that there is room for both our current life as well as goals, large and small, can help us begin to do those things that really feed us spiritually. It can be really easy to get stuck there and think we can never get close to these higher elevations.

However, whatever life has presented us, we can always do just a little bit more, and edge toward that higher goal, whatever it may be. As a runner, even when hot, tired, and we feel unable to take another step toward the finish line, we find that we are not only able to take that next step, but multiple steps, painful as they may seem, toward a finish line, that sometimes only we can envision.

Whatever causes us to keep running, to keep moving, and to reach our goal, is within us. We may do it for our father, our mother, our coach, someone or something else that lights that fire within us. While having an image of what we choose to become by completing this, there is also a letting go of the doubt, the words of others, and the belief that only Olympians, of whatever sort, might reach this high. As the faith in our own capabilities grows, however, we become more sure of ourselves, focusing on our goal, and not our own doubts, as well as those of the naysayers, in reaching for the stars.

Like those Heroes, Saints, and Legends, we, too, are capable, and responsible, for shaking off the weight of our own concerns, doubts, and misgivings, and simply running our own race. This is the race we were meant to run, as only we are able to run it, and it helps the world continue to see that extraordinary feats are not only possible, but that WE are the ones that can make it happen.

Posted on

Living to the Fullest

Photo: ludi/PIxabay

‘Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.’

                    —Jim Rohn 

Change does not come easily to most adults. We like our routines, our expected outcomes, and the knowledge that we do know what to expect in particular situations. We are comfortable with these things, and it does, indeed, make life a bit easier to navigate at times. When things are going well for us—meaning we are satisfied with our lives as they are—change is not particularly welcome. The unexpected late nights at work, the report that needs to be finished by tomorrow, the client demands necessitating change to the plans already made for them, and so very many more. Change is a speed bump on our well known, smooth road, yet it can be the chance to experience things in different ways that affect how we think about them.

Small changes, baby steps, minute adjustments, and whatever other terms we use to begin changing things in our lives, often make bigger changes smoother. When we began school at a young age, this was often either exciting or frightening, depending on how we viewed this new format in front of us. In either case, we were there, getting used to new people, new activities, and the change in how we moved through our lives, which was markedly different from our home-based life before this event. It is here, however, that we begin to learn the socialization that helps guide us through our lives as we grow and mature.

‘Hi,’ we say to the person sitting next to us at the table, opening a door to conversation and to get to know someone else. They may reply, or not, but we just took our first step in adapting to the change we now face. While it might be one of those ‘baby steps,’ it still puts us out there, in our own society, and we begin to learn how to meet people, have a conversation, find things in common with another, and to become just a little more comfortable in this new situation. If the person to whom we said ‘Hi’ does not respond, we may take a further chance and tell them our name, and then ask theirs. As adults, we are placed in these sorts of situations constantly, and it is easy to forget the fear or confusion we might have felt in this position as a much younger person.

Occurrences like the one above can be the bedrock of experiencing change on one level, and embracing it on another level entirely. Those minute adjustments we make in ourselves in order to make a new situation more acceptable, not only for ourselves, but for others as well, allow us to absorb the nuances of newness, let us learn how to interact with others, adapt to unfamiliar circumstances, and learn to see things in different ways; not just those we know and love. While our tried-and-true beliefs and habits will always be there for us when we need them, by accepting the challenges of change in our lives, we are putting ourselves in the position of opening doors to better our lives by learning and accepting that the world will always present the ‘different,’ the ‘unusual,’ and the ‘unfamiliar.’ 

We are taking life by the horns, and making changes ourselves that will allow us to be better, more understanding, and acceptable people. Rather than leaving it to chance…

Posted on

Deciding in the Moment

Photo: OmarMedinaFilms/Pixabay

Moving through our lives, we have many things vying for our attention, and sometimes—often—we are asked to decide, at that very moment, to make a decision that may go against our thoughts. A friend asks us out for a drink. Our boss asks us to finish our report by Monday morning, which would entail working through the weekend. What do we say in each of these instances? Many, if not most, would agree to what was asked, which would mean foregoing whatever else we might have had plans to do instead. We want to be nice, and agreeable, to our friend, to our boss, so we say ‘yes’ and put the other things on hold.Why? One answer is that when we are unclear about what is essential in our lives—work, family, leisure, etc.—we are almost defenseless. Yes, we may have made plans to go hiking with the family this weekend, or needed to be available to pick up the children, or have tickets to a concert that evening, but more strongly, we do not want to create a socially awkward situation that will put everyone out.

There is a wonderful story that author Greg McKeown tells in his book Essentialism about his friend Cynthia and her father. The two of them—Cynthia was twelve at the time—had planned a ‘date’ night in San Francisco for just the two of them, when they would take a trolley car to Chinatown, eat Chinese food—a favorite—shop for a souvenir, take in the sights, catch a movie, and then take a taxi back to the hotel, take a quick swim, order a hot-fudge sundae from room service, and then watch the late-late show. They had discussed the details over and again and the anticipation was high. Cynthia was with her father when they left the convention center, where he ran into an old friend he’d not seen for years. Cynthia watched as they embraced, and the friend said, ‘We want to invite you, and of course Cynthia, to get a spectacular seafood dinner down at the Wharf!’ Her father responded, ‘It’s great to see you. Dinner at the wharf sounds great!’ Cynthia was crushed. Then her father said, ‘But not tonight. Cynthia and I have a special date planned, don’t we?’ Whereupon he took Cynthia’s hand and they made an exit to begin their evening.

Cynthia’s father, who also happened to be Stephen R. Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and one of the most successful business thinkers of his generation, not only taught what is essential to the business world, he lived his life according to these essentialist principles. In two sentences, he let his friend, and his daughter, know what was most important, most essential, to him. He had the clarity of his convictions guiding him and he was able to keep his plans in place without creating any sort of awkwardness for either himself, his friend, and especially his daughter. His strong internal clarity on this point made the situation easy for him to respond. When this internal clarity is not clear, many of us tend to become defenseless in the situation, and say and do things that we really don’t consider crucial, in fear of creating social awkwardness. As humans, we are designed to get along with others, which is why the thought of saying ‘No’ in these potentially awkward predicaments makes us feel guilty. But our choice at this moment is to say ‘No,’ and regret it for a few moments, or to say ‘Yes’ and regret it for a long time.

We all like to get along with others, and while it’s not pleasant at first, we can learn to say ‘No’ firmly, yet gracefully. Our own fears of letting someone down, or disappointing another are largely amplified in our own minds, but the more we are able to do it, we often find that people respect us more. They are learning that while we may not be able to do everything, when we do say ‘Yes’ that we are fully present and at our best.

Posted on

Just Show Up!

Eighty percent of success in life is just showing up.

—Woody Allen

There is much to consider when navigating this thing called life. Education, fitness, skills, socializing, and so forth. We are born without any of these, and it is only through learning about them, then learning how to do them, and then practicing that we come to a place where they are second-nature, and we do them without much thought. Anyone who has learned how to play a musical instrument, or learned another language can identify with that. At first, the process is exciting, as we have entered a new world where we know little to nothing, and each step, from learning basic piano chords, to being able to hold a conversation in Spanish is a little triumph for us. We have exponentially expanded our own universe and how we see it. As we continue to learn whatever has captured our attention, certain things become rote, and we cease to think about them, sometimes to the point of not paying attention.

The point where any activity becomes routine, and doesn’t require quite as much attention as it did when we were still novices, sometimes becomes the most important part of doing that special something. As any musician will tell you, practicing scales, from A to G, major and minor, is not likely the most interesting thing at times, but they will all tell you that this exercise is vital to their being able to play more difficult things: to create jazz riffs, to playing more difficult pieces. While they may feel they are moving through their exercises thoughtlessly, their mind is fully engaged, perhaps more so in these bedrock movements than in others. Here, they are not only improving their motor skills, but they are allowing themselves to move to another level of understanding altogether; perhaps a level they did not engineer, but reached nonetheless, thanks to these exercises. This is when these moments can become the most transformational to their growth as a musician. 

Life is complex as it is, and there are so many things we will never completely understand. Conversely, there will also be many things we perceive and can help others see and absorb new ideas. Trying things, especially things new to us, keeps us excited about learning. Each time we attempt something different, we not only learn new facts and skills, but we begin to link them to what we already know and begin to see new relationships and uses. Noticing these connections leads us to ask questions and seek answers, opening entire new worlds of knowledge to us. This, in turn, enables us to better understand how our world works, and how we can better use that knowledge as we navigate our way through life.

Transformation comes to us in many different ways. Often, we actively seek it by study, practice, and hard work, which is great. Sometimes, however, transformation sneaks up on us in the quiet, repeated movement and words; when we are not thinking too hard about what we are doing, when there is not a particular goal. Just by showing up, doing the work, and letting it guide us.

Posted on

The Flip Side

Photo: FrankWinkler/PIxabay

I had to change my mind. Regarding my thoughts and opinions about a particular person I had already ‘judged’ as being somehow self-involved in any way possible. Yes, this person is famous. And successful. And well-known. And talkative. And giving to many others in ways I would not have expected: helping people, and their families, and their livelihood survive when things seemed their most bleak. And not only not wanting credit for this, but actually shunning the spotlight for his service to humanity. My blindfold was quickly torn away when I read about this person and what he has been doing over the past 18 months of the Pandemic, the Politicization of nearly everything, and the contentious atmosphere he faced. He did the right thing.

How did I reach those conclusions? It’s something I can’t possibly trace with any sort of accuracy, but it happened largely because I looked at the surface of something I did not know, did not try to know any better, and made a decision that served my ego; placing myself above this man as a better human being. Why? Because it was easy. And could be dismissed as such. The ‘High Road’ is not, however, the easy road; something we tend to forget all too often, particularly when dealing with our fellow humans. Quickly making a decision and moving on, allowing us to think and do other things more important to our own well-being. And also allowing us to think only of ourselves; our wants, needs, and desires. Rather than open our eyes, look around, and take in what we see. What we truly see. The good, the bad, and the ugly, and treat these all the same. We accept the good without question. But the ‘bad,’ or the ‘ugly?’ Not so much. What the difference is here, is what can change in the world, or at least our little corner of it, in ways we cannot yet see, but we know—deeply and with conviction—that we need to try to make a difference.

Will we succeed? Will we fail? Perhaps a little of each, as the situation begins to react to the efforts on its behalf and more people are encouraged to reach out and try to improve things. At this point is when the project we have taken on begins to take on a life of its own as things begin to unfold in ways we could not have predicted, as we start to see things we hadn’t thought of, but are moving the dial toward a better life and a better world. Some things we envisioned will come to be, and others will never see the light of day; replaced by others’ thoughts and actions, but with the same goals in mind.

Begin. Begin to trust. Other people. Ourselves. And our human capacity for survival, growth, and love. Truly seeing what is in front of us, without judgement, without ego, and with trust and love, is the way to begin doing the ‘right things,’ to follow the ‘High Road.’ Really working to make the world, our society, and the people around us better is truly the flip side of that judgement coin that isolates us, and makes the world a bleak place. Which side would we rather see, even if it is harder?

Posted on

4 Steps to Downsizing With Your Pet

Good Evening Folks—This is a special evening at ‘Finding the Better Way,’ as we have a guest writing our post, specifically Jessica Brody. Jessica Brody created ‘Our Best Friends’ (our best friends.pet) so others could find a place to share stories and photos of their beloved animal companions. So, enjoy the voice Jessica brings to our site, and feel free to reach out to her via her website. So, without further ado….

4 Steps to Downsizing With Your Pet

You’ve realized that your current home is just too large, and you don’t need nearly so much space. But even though you’re interested in downsizing, you’re worried about how your pet will adjust during the process. Going through major life changescan be anxiety-inducing, but you can read helpful advice for big transitions on the blog Finding the Better Way. This guide will help you downsize with your pet while reducing your stress.

Prepare Your Home for Sale

If you own a home that you plan to put on the market before you move, you’ll need to stage each room to boost your chances of attracting a buyer. Moving recommends taking care of minor repairs, brightening up rooms by upgrading your lighting, and using neutral accessories to decorate. You can hire professional cleaners to clear away any pet dander.

While you may want to put some of your personal belongings in storage as you show your home, it’s important to keep your pet’s items within easy reach – you can stow them in a closet or drawer during showings. Otherwise, they might feel confused when they can’t find their toys!

Finding the Right Home

First, deciding how much space you and your pet really need is key. MoneyCrashers recommends considering which rooms in your current home you actually use – if you rarely use your guest bedroom, home office, or storage room, you probably won’t need so many additional rooms in your future home. 

But before you start house hunting, it’s a good idea to get preapproved for a mortgage. Not only will this help you figure out exactly how much you can borrow, you’ll be able to get through the closing process on a faster timeline once you do find the perfect home. You don’t want to miss out on the right property for you and your pet, so getting preapproved is definitely in your best interest!

Finally, make sure that you’ve found a great real estate agent before you start checking out open houses. They will help you find homes that actually suit your requirements, rather than recommending homes with too much square footage. Let them know if you want a home with a sizable backyard for your pet, or if you’d be happy simply living near a dog park!

Decluttering and Packing

As you stage your own home and get ready to move out, you’ll have to start decluttering and packing up your belongings. Decluttering can feel liberating – you’ll realize that you were holding on to lots of things you didn’t need, and once you’ve donated these items or thrown them out, you’ll feel much lighter! Plus, decluttering first means that you’ll have much less to pack, which will make the entire downsizing process more efficient. However, don’t toss out any of your pet’s favorite toys or bedding, as they will need these comfort objects during the move.

Keeping Your Pet Comfortable

Making sure that your pet feels safe and relaxed during your move should be one of your top priorities. Consider hiring movers so that you can pay close attention to your pet on moving day. You can also pack a box with their belongings that will always be easily accessible. This will allow you to set up their bed and toy basket as soon as you arrive at your new home.

The downsizing process doesn’t happen overnight, so you’ll need to prepare in advance. But even if you’re a pet owner, downsizing can be relatively stress-free. With these tips, you’ll be able to get the keys to a home that will be just the right size for you and your pet to live comfortably!

Looking for inspiration during a big lifestyle change? Check out realistic personal development advice from Finding the Better Way. Browse the blog today for helpful tips and guidance.

Photo via Pexels