Category: Change

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When pressed…

When pressed….  What do you do?!   Pressed for time, pressed for an answer, pressed for money, pressed for justification.  It doesn’t matter what we’re pressed for, we tend to go into panic mode, which, for humans, is ‘flight or fight’ mode.  And why the extreme stance? Because our archicortex, our ‘ancient’ brain is still very much with us, protecting us from attack, displacement, and even annihilation, and comes to the fore when we feel threatened, regardless of the source and possible consequence. Why?  Because as humans, we are hard-wired to survive: to survive hunger, attack, discomfort, torture, and so much else that our minds and bodies can endure, but our minds take much longer to process as to the reasons we are required to do so. Of course, sometimes the most attractive action is the ‘flight’ mode:  to flee the situation at hand, but, of course, this is not often possible. Horses are definitively ‘flight or fight’ animals, equipped with the means to quickly exit the scene physically, or, if pressed in close quarters, with striking or kicking hooves, to hopefully drive off the attack. Humans, however, are often pressed to make quick decisions without the means to physically drive off the attack.  A grocery bill. Or a tax lien. House payments or car payments that have been put off because an emergency presented itself…but still the debt remains, and demands to be paid. Now. What to do? If possible, reach out to family, who may be able to help. Or, if not, where to turn? Flight seems so attractive, just to escape the ‘now’ of the situation. To fly free, debt free, of the demands at hand. But. Not. Possible. This is when people begin to break down, to turn to crime, to simply ‘disappear’…  Not particularly that they wanted this, but it seemed the only option, the only thing they actually could do. And it’s easy to give what seems— to us not in these situations—obvious solutions, of reaching out to various charitable organizations, asking for money, or time, or even ideas on how we can fix the situation, repay the debt, create the opportunity we need. And I don’t have an answer.

While to some, the obvious response is not to put yourself in these situations to begin with, to so many, the ‘situations’ themselves have put hope and possibility at the forefront of ‘getting ahead,’ rather than opening doors through action; of putting oneself in the position of being able to take advantage of things readily available to put a person in a better position to leap ahead.  But do we all have these advantages? Do we all have a high school or college education? No. Do we all have families ready, willing, and able to help? No. Do we all have friends and colleagues that can help us? No. So what now?

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Security: The Myth

Security. It’s always looked upon as desirable:  a secure job, a secure home, a secure future, a secure investment.  The list is endless of the secure things or situations we desire. Why? While the answers to that question are myriad, for me, and for many others: security implies continuity, safety, protection from outside forces, longevity, and so many other things that make us feel less vulnerable and protected.  In this, however, is the myth of permanence. Of landing the perfect job, that we keep until our golden years, retiring with a gold watch, and then spending the rest of our lives in bliss. Or of the ideal marriage, to the man or woman of your dreams, to grow with each other, more in love each year. And how often does this happen?  In my experience, often enough to keep the dream alive for so many. And that’s not a bad thing; an ideal that gives hope, gives love, and a sound future, but one that also takes work, heartache, pain, and sometimes the wisdom to realize the current situation is not working for anyone involved, and it might be better to part company. But, if we go back to our original statement, security in anything is a myth, a fable used by us, and against us, to convince ourselves that this time, this person IS the answer to our prayers.  But no job is forever. Marriages that seem Heaven-blessed crumble and fall apart. Blue-chip companies fold. Real estate values fluctuate like a weather-vane.  And why does any of this matter? Because, when ‘security’ does not work out for us in whatever way, we begin to try and reconstruct the paradigm of what kept us happy for so long. As we begin to do so, the task gets muddy, difficult to define, and stymies us as to what we need to do to approximate a similar situation. And…. It. Doesn’t. Work.  And it doesn’t work because it never really existed anyway; it was just a means to justify how we were living at the time, as in “Golden Handcuffs,” to coin a phrase. My own case in point: a job I held twice (yes, once was not enough) ended with a massive layoff, a comfy severance, outplacement service, and a ‘sorry, but good luck’ from my then-boss. Not an easy breakfast to digest, but at the end of the day, it realized I didn’t have to do that stupid job again, nor would I ever need to converse with the micromanaging egotist that delivered the message.  But, five months later, as severance was coming to an end, and offers were beginning to come, I went for prestige of company, location, and salary, all reproducing, and one-upping, my previous situation. And the result: less time for personal projects, less time with my family, more time in New York, and far, far less autonomy in deciding how my day would be spent at work. This lasted nine months, the human gestation period, before I moved on to a much better, but very different, position that challenged me, made me whine and complain that I didn’t have this or didn’t have that, all the while trying to ignore that I was happy when I was actually at work, with a great team of people, and the bills were being paid, and I was okay.  Until one day I sat back and really saw where I was, what I was doing, and that this was allowing me…no, challenging me, to begin to really change in how I led my life that would bring the true, deep satisfaction of what I as doing being enough. And no. I’m not quite there yet, but with the knowledge that what I am doing is the thing I need to do to reach the next level, the next step, of my life, I am creating new ways of using this experience to teach me as much as possible, before the next logical step presents itself….

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Taking Action

Every morning I journal for about fifteen minutes, filling three legal pad pages with my thoughts, hopes, dreams, complaints, and ideas.  It started about twenty-five years ago with Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, which was the only text ‘assigned’ in a class I was taking to learn how to be more open with how I lived my life, and who I was. Those last two would take a lot of time, way beyond that class and those people, but eventually I began to live the way I thought and felt.  That aside, deciding to take action in the form of a class, as well as committing to developing a habit of writing every day, was the first time I really said to myself that ‘things’ were not working with what was in place, so it was time to replace the current behaviors with those that might put me closer to where I wanted to be.  Wherever that was…. While I would eventually figure where and what ‘that’ was, taking action was the key to so many new worlds.

That action, the first I’d taken since college graduation, insofar as helping myself was concerned, was the key. I began to meet new people, people more aligned with how I was thinking, of thinking many of the same things, or at least in the same way I was, and it was exhilarating. People who were a part of my being stuck began to drift away, which was alarming at first, but then I saw that we were helping each other stay ‘stuck’ and that when one of us began to make changes to go in different directions, the reasons we were together started to fray and eventually we went our separate ways. Which was good. New starts, taking action, and deciding what you really want, and are willing to work for, perhaps only for now, are one of the paths to realizing the life you’ve dreamed.  And sometimes, it is very different from the one you thought was your goal in the past.

Two years ago, I was laid off from a ‘Golden Handcuffs’ job, and promptly sought to recreate it. And I did, in a way, and the new one was worse, in different ways, and so I moved on, taking a step back in both position and compensation, to give myself time to clear my head, to read and write, and to discern the direction I needed to take in my life.  Each little intentional action I took during this period led to new knowledge and the realization that what I was doing now was preparing me to go in the direction I have always wanted to go, but didn’t know how. The means to another end. And the bonus is that each decision I make, whether the goal pans out or not, is leading me closer. I step forward, and learn things I need to know.  See things I need to see. New people offer to help with something I’ve been struggling to complete. And each day I gain new insight into what I know I have to do to keep stretching and growing as both a person and an artist.

What dormant dreams are in your life? And is there something you could do—big or small—to begin exploring that possibility?

 

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The Means to Change…

We have all been in situations during our lives that are not ideal, those instances we find ourselves in circumstances that allow us to create something else, something greater, than where we are during these times.  And sometimes those times are annoying, even painful, due to the events that led us to this position. And sometimes we are there on purpose, a scheme in place to use the situation to our advantage to think, to plan how to reach a higher level, whatever that means to each of us.  That last is where I am at the moment. I’m using skills I’ve developed through years of sales, account management, and learning how to develop people and business to create time. In taking a step back, both in terms of compensation and position, I’ve found the time and means to think and remember what I wanted when I was much younger.  When anything seemed possible if you just wanted it enough. Before some of life’s harsher lessons taught you to be more wary, and safer. And I’m remembering the big things, like wanting to be a writer, from the time I was a little boy, and probably wasn’t entirely sure why. Because playing with words was just so cool, and how awesome it could be to spend your days creating new worlds, new stories, and then the pleasure of telling them to others.  What a way to live! And of course, as soon as any dreamer, of any age, declares their vision, the resistance begins. From others. From situations. And life interferes, and that beautiful vision of that beautiful child is somehow pushed to the side, to be looked at sideways, longing to jump into the middle of it, and make it come alive. And for some, that’s where it ends. And in my case, I thought it had, and I had made peace with the life I now led, with its incidental pleasures of moving through this world I really hadn’t created, but somehow happened upon, and I took up residence.  

Until last year. When a work layoff put me out of that world, which I quickly—but badly, I must admit—recreated in a certain way, and finally reached a point where I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to step away from the path I was on to just get my bearings.  And to see that the trail I’d been following for far too long was just not going to get me anywhere I could see happiness, and that perhaps straying off the path—on purpose—would help me see the woods, and, if I was lucky, find a way back to the original dream. And so I left that job, and found a group of people who thought what I was doing was a great idea, and that we could work together as I was doing it.  And so it began. Yes, I’m dealing with situations I know how to negotiate, as well the clients of the place I am now, and I work with a team that show me, each day, how to move through life in a way that is positive, and that what I am doing in my time away from work is a great thing, and they’re interested in seeing what I’m doing. And I am finding I am amongst writers: journalists, aspiring novelists, bloggers! And they offer their help with their specialty, if I need it, or with other related things like computer savvy!  I am now building my new world, the one I always wanted, while keeping the bills paid, and finding new resources to help me reach ever higher, toward that long-neglected, long-ignored dream I’d created so many years ago. Even if the result turns out to be different than I’d imagined, I am grateful for the journey to this point in time, and am excited to continue….