Category: Taking Action

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Growth & Information

Photo: sasint/Pixabay

For the past few years in the United States, we have heard much about ‘information’—accurate and inaccurate, right and left, fact-based and pure-fantasy—and we have heard these things so often, and from so many different sources, that it’s often difficult to keep things straight in our minds. Additionally, the fact that we have access to ‘information’ at all times puts us in the unique position of sifting through the abundance of ‘facts’ on our own. As humans, most people want validating information; that is, information that confirms the ideas and thoughts they already have; that upholds their point of view. 

This last idea is curious, as it counters the way we typically learn as humans, and how we grow intellectually and socially. Growth of any kind requires us to be open to letting go of things that no longer serve us, and learn how to adapt to the new circumstances. It may also ask us to discard ideas that worked for us in the past, but are no longer of use. When growing physically, we tend not to notice these things, as they are happening organically and we note only the change itself. One day we are taller, or more coordinated, or can run very fast, and we would be hard pressed to place those changes in our learning curve.

It is our intellectual, spiritual, and psychological growth that seeks validation. If it worked before, it should work now. Right? Not necessarily. As we mature, and as our learning skills become sharper, it is easy to slip into a pattern of doing things the same way. We learned them already, we are familiar with how to do them and what the outcome should be, which is comforting. Growth, though wonderful, is often uncomfortable. Learning to write in cursive, after a few years of printing is a big disturbance in both our mind and body, but now we have options: perhaps printing an invitation, and writing notes in cursive. It is when we begin learning things about what we have come to identify with that we rebel against what we’re being told.

In many countries around the world, people have an idea of what defines ‘a citizen,’ inclusive of behavior, thoughts, and words spoken are acceptable. Faced with someone whose words and behavior contradicts our views on this subject, we feel upset, attacked, and defensive. With their actions, they have caused us to question our own beliefs, instead of validating them. In the USA, the past few years have seen this played out multiple times as ‘other’ pieces of information are introduced. The factual history of this information has always been there, but because it did not validate the national group-think on the subject, it was relegated to extraneous history of a very small group of people. So, like any new information we encounter, this has caused a societal dissonance, as many will cling to what has been in place, rather than treating it as a new discovery. For many of us, it is new, and deserves to be explored like discovering new islands, new methodology, or simply learning a new skill. 

Nothing is harmed by accepting something new and then learning about it; we did it as children. We then watched our own children discover similar things and delighted in the joy they found as each new discovery came to light for them. Perhaps if we are able to find ways to let ourselves ‘grow down’ and discover new things, marveling at their unique characteristics and how they fit into what we already know, we might be able to peacefully let go of things we now see do not fit into the ever-changing puzzle that is our existence.

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Convo Redux…

Conversations are interesting things, taking us to new worlds of ideas, countries, restaurants, sporting events, and the like.  The interaction between two people discussing, agreeing and disagreeing, and otherwise hashing out ‘things’ is one of the most pleasurable activities humans have with one another.  Humans. Plural. Indicating ‘more than one.’ But what about those conversations that involve only us?As in ‘me, myself, and I’ being the only pluralities included in the conversation?  I’m not referring to ‘talking to myself’ in this case, although I am certainly guilty of that…. I’m talking about the conversations we have as we get ready for something ‘big’ like an interview, in which we practice what we might say if asked particular questions.  Multiple times. A job interview, for example, is a big deal, especially if you’re hoping to move up, move to a better situation, or simply move to a different line of work. And because we’re unsure of what will be asked, the more questions you answer strongly, the better chance you will have of making a good impression on someone who is in a position to offer you the chance to do something different.  In this case, however, I am touching on those conversations you have—yes, with yourself—in which you improve on the actual conversation that occurred in the past. In those awkward situations in which you were not your shining best, when you feel you failed, or felt a fool afterward, and it gives you a chance to practice what you should have said.  In a meeting with the boss, your colleagues present, when your great idea was shot down, quickly and succinctly, and left only an uncomfortable silence in the room.  Where you point out the advantages, in this case, of how this can benefit the company in multiple ways that are not being used at this time. And, of course, of your own role in implementing the plan, and how invaluable to the business this is.  Those conversations. But, going deeper, those conversations when things have not gone well socially, either with friends and family, or with complete strangers you happen across in life. Recently, on the way home from work, I was waiting for a red light to turn green, which it did, and no one in front of me moved.  Slightly irritated, I waited briefly, before flashing the lights at the car in front of me. No effect. A few more seconds, and I lightly tapped the horn. This time, the car in front of me jerked forward and sped up to catch up to the cars ahead, which had apparently moved when the light turned green. A short distance later, this car pulled behind, flashing its lights, and revving its engine. Then, it moved beside me, still revving the engine.  This was starting to get a little scary. Finally, another red light stopped us both, and i noticed a young man, window down, talking in my direction. I opened the passenger window, wherein in was treated to an expletive-filled diatribe on what a jerk i was, he was at a red light, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. When asked ‘what the fuck is your problem?’ I simply said, ‘Sorry. I apologize.’ And rolled up the window. He soon pulled off to get gas, and I continued, thankfully, on my way home undisturbed by similar events.  Yes, I might have been impatient. Honked inappropriately, etc. But I’ve replayed this conversation many times since then, to improve how I felt when moving on from the scene of our confrontation, but, at first, the words on my part were denigrating and caustic, turning to insulting, and finally to realizing I did the right thing by backing down from the situation. But this still goes through my head at times, and the more I want to be the ‘hero’ in this case, I still feel I did the right thing. In apologizing. Because sometimes, the best thing in strange situations is to step back, and step down, from being the ‘hero,’ and to simply be a human, open to others, and open to the fact that you both felt hurt, wounded, and defensive, and stepping away from the battle can be the best strategy.

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When pressed…

When pressed….  What do you do?!   Pressed for time, pressed for an answer, pressed for money, pressed for justification.  It doesn’t matter what we’re pressed for, we tend to go into panic mode, which, for humans, is ‘flight or fight’ mode.  And why the extreme stance? Because our archicortex, our ‘ancient’ brain is still very much with us, protecting us from attack, displacement, and even annihilation, and comes to the fore when we feel threatened, regardless of the source and possible consequence. Why?  Because as humans, we are hard-wired to survive: to survive hunger, attack, discomfort, torture, and so much else that our minds and bodies can endure, but our minds take much longer to process as to the reasons we are required to do so. Of course, sometimes the most attractive action is the ‘flight’ mode:  to flee the situation at hand, but, of course, this is not often possible. Horses are definitively ‘flight or fight’ animals, equipped with the means to quickly exit the scene physically, or, if pressed in close quarters, with striking or kicking hooves, to hopefully drive off the attack. Humans, however, are often pressed to make quick decisions without the means to physically drive off the attack.  A grocery bill. Or a tax lien. House payments or car payments that have been put off because an emergency presented itself…but still the debt remains, and demands to be paid. Now. What to do? If possible, reach out to family, who may be able to help. Or, if not, where to turn? Flight seems so attractive, just to escape the ‘now’ of the situation. To fly free, debt free, of the demands at hand. But. Not. Possible. This is when people begin to break down, to turn to crime, to simply ‘disappear’…  Not particularly that they wanted this, but it seemed the only option, the only thing they actually could do. And it’s easy to give what seems— to us not in these situations—obvious solutions, of reaching out to various charitable organizations, asking for money, or time, or even ideas on how we can fix the situation, repay the debt, create the opportunity we need. And I don’t have an answer.

While to some, the obvious response is not to put yourself in these situations to begin with, to so many, the ‘situations’ themselves have put hope and possibility at the forefront of ‘getting ahead,’ rather than opening doors through action; of putting oneself in the position of being able to take advantage of things readily available to put a person in a better position to leap ahead.  But do we all have these advantages? Do we all have a high school or college education? No. Do we all have families ready, willing, and able to help? No. Do we all have friends and colleagues that can help us? No. So what now?

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Inconvenience

Inconvenience.  When spoken, the word itself produces reactions.  Of annoyance, of disgust, of anger, of sadness. We’ve all been inconvenienced in some way, at some point in our lives.  And it lives on sometimes, because we tend to remember suffering of any kind much longer than pleasure, which, to evoke the old saying, ‘is fleeting.’  But what is this thing exactly? What might inconvenience me might be just a daily thing to you, and vice-versa. We’ve all heard—unsympathetically sometimes—others stories of inconvenience, and thought to ourselves, ‘Really?  That was an inconvenience?’ And then thought, ‘…let me tell you about inconvenience…’ before launching into our own tale of woe that undid us at the time, knowing our own feelings of being put upon, put out, or otherwise annoyed would far outstrip that being told.  

It’s an interesting human characteristic that we are able to experience pleasure, and because this is usually a happy occurrence, we forget it all too quickly.  With suffering of any kind, because of the complete breakdown of expectations, we remember the nuisance of the situation far longer than is healthy. But the truth of the matter is that there people out there who have survived soul-shattering events in their lives—murder, rape, torture, financial ruin, persecution—who have not only survived the event, but made the decision to move through it emotionally and psychologically, and reclaim their lives as best they’re able, often succeeding so successfully that they become heroes for having faced the worst, met it eye-to-eye, and though they may not have been ‘triumphant’ in the encounter, they used the experience and the knowledge this brings, to make others aware of better ways to deal with adverse events in our lives.  Helen Keller, Anne Frank, Louis Zamperini, all went through unexpected struggles in their lives: Keller with being blind, deaf, and dumb, Anne Frank with hiding from the Nazi’s to save her family’s life, Zamperini with the glories of the Olympics, followed by unbelievable physical torture in the Pacific during the World War II. And while some of their struggles did not end with a ‘happy ending,’ all demonstrated the power of the human spirit to survive in the most difficult times, knowing, hoping, and praying that they could just make it one more day.

Yes, it’s inconvenient when it rains on your day off when you’d planned a great day at the beach with friends, or when your child struggles with school, and there seems to be nothing you can do to help them, or the fender-bender, or the chronically late co-worker, but looking inward, what is there in this situation at hand that makes you grateful?  And I know I sometimes have to look pretty deep, but the rain will pass, and maybe those beach plans, now ‘ruined’ make you see what amazing friends you have in your life, that the child who is struggling has such a strong desire to understand and learn, that the dent in the car is repairable and that no one was hurt, and though often late, your co-worker always has your back.  Because I’ve found that it really is impossible to remain angry and hurt at the same time you feel gratitude. So, ‘count your blessings’ and begin to feel the annoyance, anger, hurt, and yes, inconvenience begin to dissipate as gratitude for what is good begins to take its place. What has really happened when you do this? You’ve replaced Fear with Love, which conquers everything.

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Justification…

There is an odd feeling I get when I’ve agreed to do something, and I don’t do it for whatever reason.  ‘Guilt’ could describe it, but it’s not quite that simple, because I’m not talking about actual agreements I’ve made:  to do a job for an employer, to read in church on Sunday, to clean out the garage. No, I’m talking about the ideas that live in my head that I’ve finally decided to pursue and take action to make them happen.  Things like writing a book, to begin running again, to travel, to bring my French up to fluency level; those things that require discipline, action, and sacrifice of other, less significant things in my life. I use the word ‘sacrifice’ in describing one of the requirements in creating these things, as well as ‘discipline,’ because they are both so easy to forget.  The sacrifices called for are the little things with which we fill our days: checking email too often on our phones, reading that article we’ve been intending to read for months, deciding to have a drink before dinner, and any number of things that could be used, in my case, to write, to run, to parler Français, to plan a trip, along with other things that require me to focus on the bigger picture of my life, and make a decision in the moment, to buckle down and write, run, etc.  And that’s not so easy, especially when others are involved. Because, as humans, we are great justifiers: we can easily come up with six reasons why we can put away our book, our run, ‘just this once,’ to join a friend or family member in what will be a pleasurable activity, but that will require us to put our plans on hold. At this writing, I was involved in a writing project, having agreed to write 500 words a day, on any subject, just to focus on the task of getting my butt in a chair, and writing for a while to create a habit of doing so.  I decided this was a great idea because that discipline is not yet there in my life, yet I have a great desire to write. I actually started on January 3rd, not the 1st, as had been suggested—and to which, yes, I agreed—and I wrote, quite happily for two days, and then, on a late return from work on the 4th, there was an Anniversary party for a friend I’d said I’d attend, and did so, intending to put in time writing afterward. But, of course, after a glass or two (three?) of champagne, a quantity of smoked salmon, and the late hour, no writing got done, and I went to bed, intending to tackle the blank pages awaiting the next morning.  But on that glorious day off, I had a wonderful lunch with my husband, and a lazy, afternoon of calm rest, that, while much needed in my life these days, could have been put on hold for an half-hour or so, to get words on a page. So, here I sit, doing just that, BEFORE I head off to work, to give me that little writers’ high, and to know I am not cheating myself of my own dreams and desires. Hopefully, just the beginning…

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So, what’s on your mind?

It starts small.  And then grows. Suddenly, and exponentially, and like any dam bursting, you’re inundated, wondering which way is up, and if you can manage to keep your head above water, or even survive the quickness of the onslaught. Breathe, you tell yourself, wondering if you can, or if you’ve drawn your last, in the face of the deluge you’re now facing.  What’s happened? You, or I, have decided to ‘take action’ on a long-neglected project, feeling, and even knowing, that now we can devote the time necessary to making something happen, even if it needs to happen in ‘spare’ time, long before sunrise, or in the depths of the night when we, and only we, are awake, and attempting to make something happen.  The fitness program we’ve promised ourselves for how many New Year’s? The graduate work we always promised ourselves we would complete? Painting the spare room? Planning that vacation to…? The novel we have lurking in the still-dark corners of our mind? It doesn’t really matter. When we at-long-last decide to ACT, to take action, to make something happen, our mind slowly, then more quickly, becomes overwhelmed by things we need to do before we can begin.  Something simple, like deciding to sit down and write at least 500 words a day, which takes about 15 minutes, give or take, becomes, in our mind, ONLY POSSIBLE, when we have ‘set the stage,’ as it were, and completed any number of the following activities:  making sure the desk is clear and devoid of papers, mail, magazines, etc., that would make thinking about those 500 words.  Or all-of-a-sudden realizing that you never folded the sweaters you threw in the chair, and, after all, who could write something creative in such a pig-sty?  Did I check the dehumidifier in the basement? It could be going off right now, alerting us to the fact that it’s full, and I need to empty it. Or the mound of laundry needing an iron….  None of which matters. Because the only block to doing, in this case, your 500 words, is the fear that…. The fear that…it’s not going to be perfect. Or astonishingly good. Or that you’ll reveal something you thought you’d kept as a secret, but it seemed so perfect to describe what you, or your character, is feeling at the moment, and the world will now know something deeply personal about you, and you’re not sure how to process that….  Or whatever. Fill in the blanks from your own mind. Mine is chock-full of ‘scary stuff’ so it’s my task, when I sit down to write, to find a way to ignore the hot mess that is my desktop, the books overflowing from the shelves behind me, the unfolded sweaters in the chair, and simply sit down, and begin to tell the truth. My truth. And hopefully help someone else to see, that all of these truly insignificant things, that must be taken care of immediately, can not only wait, but can be ignored, not only for the moment, but for as long as you need to begin taking the next step toward the things that really, truly, matter to you.  And to change the way you, and hopefully others, go through life from that moment on….