Category: Uncategorized

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The Way Forward

Change comes hard. Real, lasting, satisfying change comes harder. While an odd paradox of life, it’s true. Most of us wish for change, but do little or nothing to make it happen. As the old saying goes, ‘doing the same thing every day, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity.’ Yet down the path of ‘insanity’ we go. Happily.

Why? Because we really don’t want change. We want to be comfortable. To have everything the same, day-in and day-out, the same. Even if the situation is really intolerable—bad relationship, job, debts, etc.—our known discomfort and difficulty is what we cling to, because we are familiar with it, and there are few surprises: just variations on the same miserable theme. Change, however, means doing—yes, doing, not thinking—things differently, perhaps in small ways at first, just to get used to doing something, anything, differently to influence a different outcome.  Getting up earlier in the morning. Beginning a modest exercise program. Learning a foreign language. Any and all of those things we dreamt about but never acted to create them. We all have fantasies of the person we might be, or the person we might have become, and we think of that man, that woman, and smile, and then sigh, and resign ourselves to being in the present, to the life that we did create, perhaps inadvertently, and of our next, known step in our uncomfortable comfort.

‘What if….’ That great game we played in childhood as we imagined being a cowboy, or an astronaut, or a football player, and as we assumed these roles, albeit temporarily, we grew, because we were thinking out of the box, maybe not having the slightest idea of what it might take to become one of these things, but letting ourselves make it up as we moved along in our game. Personally, I don’t recall a time when I was told not to think imaginatively, but somehow, as I got older and grew to adulthood, I began not to do that so much. And, like many, I took on ‘adult’ behavior and began to think in more ‘practical’ ways of how to accomplish the tasks in front of me. By studying. Reading the right books. Learning new technical skills. Meeting influential people. And ultimately creating a career that allowed me to be comfortable in my life, but was not really satisfying.

Until a series of events pulled me out of a specific job, one that was perhaps too comfortable, and that had allowed me to get too complacent. It put me in another situation where I really needed to think about the fact that I was scared of the new, different circumstances. However, I was also really tired of being comfortable but completely disengaged, and knew that there was still so much of life to be experienced that I allowed myself, even compelled myself, to begin to accept the unpleasant things allowing change can bring, realizing that I can endure a lot more than I thought, that I really can learn what I can control, and let go of the rest, as I reach ever higher, having once again picked up my dream of being a writer, an adventurer, a traveler, and so much else I once dreamt of being.

Guess what? Now that I’m uncomfortable again, I want to complain that this is not what I had in mind. Or is it? Comfort is easy, even if it’s not fun. Discomfort, or ‘a little discomfort’ as my friend Mary says, is just a temporary inconvenience, and one that, if I look at what the situation is really about, and not how I’m interpreting it—through my comfort lens—it’s not the end of the world. And gradually I begin to relax into the situation, the day, and the task, with the realization that this is not forever. I have a language to learn, or relearn, I suppose, given the number of years I neglected it. And I have books and articles to write, and places to see, not to mention things to learn: the piano! French! Fly-fishing! However, I need to get through the uncomfortable part of my day first, or last, so I’m able to devote my thoughts and energy toward growing skills and moving forward in the ways I want to move forward. Ways that make me smile, if only to myself, and let me know that my life is flowing again.

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Anger Begets Anger

At some point, being angry is just another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without thinking about it.

—Jonathan Trapper

We’re living in a very angry world right now. Being angry people. Angry about what’s going on politically, environmentally, socially, and I am seeing anger become our default, being ‘normalized’ in some odd, portentous way; a way that will not lead us to triumph over what’s causing the anger: seeing injustice to ourselves and others, feeling it wash over us as we struggle to understand how to move beyond it. And it’s hard. It’s very hard. As Jonathan Trapper notes in the above quote, anger can be like a bad habit: smoking, excessive drinking, reckless driving, cursing. And so it is. Think of the last time you felt really angry about something, and how it made you feel. Perhaps you felt physically hot, your breathing pattern may have quickened, and afterward, you felt you had to ‘come down’ from an emotional peak before feeling ‘normal’ again, as the tension left your body. Like those aforementioned bad habits, anger feeds on itself, using the energy it brings to take you to the next level of emotion, feeling, or action. And calming down after being angry is, indeed, like coming down from a high caused by drinking, drugs, or out-of-control behavior.

So, how to deal with our anger? Not expressing it is not necessarily the best way, but what about expressing it in ways other than screaming, yelling, or throwing things? Of realizing, that yes, I’m angry, and think the situation that caused it is beyond ridiculous. And then asking yourself if being angry will help the situation. Or is another action the way to go here? To follow the ‘bad habit’ metaphor, being angry doesn’t need to be the gateway to expressing that anger in an out-of-control, ‘drunk’ manner that only drives you to vent, and does nothing to alleviate those feelings, or what has happened to cause them. I’ve found that if I consciously think, ‘Breathe,’ and then do so, slowly, my thoughts begin to quickly go over what has happened, and I usually begin to realize that it’s not that serious, and that it’s going to be okay. And I’ll admit that’s really tough sometimes: at those times when you feel denigrated, put-upon, betrayed, lied-to, ignored, and all those things that make us feel less-than, finding the ‘high road’ is not easy. And then I begin looking for ways to be grateful for what has happened. Not that I’m happy something happened that caused me to be very afraid, but that I was able to back away and see it for what it was, and at least I tried to mitigate the negativity  at hand. Searching for ‘grace’ in the situation, a way to be grateful for even a small part of this event—if only for the knowledge that I know I will be able to face this again and not fall apart—is the beginning of discovering the ‘better way’ through anger, replacing the anger reflex with gratitude. To see that, perhaps, you are in some way wiser and better prepared to face your own anger in new and challenging situations.

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Bringing Nature Back into Your Life

‘Nature is one of the most underutilized treasures in life. It has the power to unburden hearts and reconnect to that inner place of peace.

                        —Janice Anderson   

Sunshine, forest paths, beaches, gurgling streams, fresh air, silence: all parts of nature that can elevate our mood, calm our senses, refresh our minds, and heal our bodies. That we take the time to enjoy it, even when it lies just outside our door, is to our detriment. City-dwellers often need to seek it elsewhere, outside their city, but the opportunity to sit under a tree and simply breathe, or perhaps read for a while is theirs for the taking, if they just will do so. Even those of us fortunate enough to live in the suburbs or in the country, with natural resources close by, often take it for granted, or say, ‘what a lovely sunset,’ and move on with the ‘necessities’ in our lives. As Ms. Anderson points out in the quote that began this piece, nature is our underutilized tool for easing our stress and allowing us to see what is really important. But how to do so with so many things vying for our attention? Bills to be paid, papers and reports to be written, kids to pick up, and events to attend? When? How?

It is said that life moves fast, and that time flies, and that can be true. But if we remember that life is lived one second at a time, and that many, if not most of us are able to have some control over our schedules and activities, we can carve out that time to bring nature back into our lives. If, on the morning drive to work, a beautiful sunrise illuminates the landscape, creating a lovely play of light and shadow amidst the trees, or the buildings, simply taking the time to think about it, how it lights up the landscape and gives us warmth on our faces, and allowing a few seconds or minutes to focus on the sunrise  and on the beauty created is the beginning of bringing nature’s healing power back into our lives. No, the morning commute has not changed, but the way we are living it and thinking about it has. And that makes all the difference.

Planning time with Nature is the next step into unlocking its power to ‘unburden hearts and reconnect’ with our dreams, desires, and to let go of old behavior that no longer serves us. Spending a half-hour in the park by the water, even if, as in New York, you can still see skyscrapers and hear traffic, is miraculously invigorating. Through the peace of personal meditation on the grass, the water, the sky, and of our role in whatever comprises our personal universe allows that reconnection. Old thoughts, new dreams, ideas and adventures begin to take shape when we connect with our innermost thoughts and allow them the space to grow…even if only for a very short time. This reconnection, through the beauty and peace of Nature, is just the beginning of starting to live our dreams, to begin taking action on something we’ve longed to do, and to see that it is possible. What ‘good old dreams’ and long-forgotten projects need to be re-examined in your life, and what steps can you take to reconnect with them? Let nature clear your head and help you find the peace you need to begin living your best life yet…

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Carefully Taught

‘You’ve got to be carefully taught…’ goes the refrain from a song in the Broadway musical South Pacific. The man singing is the young lieutenant from the USA, who has fallen in love with a young Polynesian woman, and is beginning to hear from others that he’s making a mistake, that it’s not ‘right’ or ‘natural’ and so forth: that a Caucasian man and a Polynesian woman should not fall in love due to their different skin tones. The song addresses racism head on, and makes no bones about the fact that racism, along with all other prejudices, are taught. These are not ‘natural’ ideas floating around our subconscious, waiting to be triggered by some event that makes us suddenly and irrevocably discriminatory. When left to their own devices, small children will play with other small children, delighting in their company, and not noticing their gender, their race, their language, or any other differentiating feature. They are simply small children, playing games together, making up stories, and pretending, using what is available—sometimes only their imaginations—to imitate what they have seen, and by so doing, begin to learn social behavior. They learn how to get along, how not to get along, and so many other things. But, again, left to themselves, the prejudices that may appear later in their lives, do not have a part of this time.

The lyric above is absolutely correct: people need to be taught to hate and discriminate. Love, and the pleasure it brings is the human default. Conversely, fear is the root of hatred and prejudice, though that’s not often acknowledged by most of us. And yes, we all have fears that lead us to irrational thoughts, some more benign and some more nefarious than others, about other people, other countries, other religions, and anything that drives wedges between the potential friendship and collaboration of two entities, be they humans, states, or political parties. When that happens, a door closes, and the knowledge and learning that might have been gained by both is sacrificed. Yes, some people are scary. We may completely disagree with someone about evolution, or religious belief, but when these walls go up and we dismiss the other person and their convictions, all learning ceases, and our ‘beliefs’ become hardened, atrophied, and begin to lose their merit. While we may have been on the right track, by closing off civil discourse, we have chosen to limit what we hear, learn, and ultimately understand. And all as if there is one true belief system, eclipsing all others in its knowledge and scope. It is reassuring to think there is one true belief system, and as humans, we seek comfort and consistency. But as someone who delights in the diversity that surrounds me, in my little corner of the world, I cannot imagine a world and a universe as profoundly varied as the one we inhabit could or would exist without a multiplicity of differences, challenging us to get to know and understand what is different from us. Curiosity is one of the greatest of human virtues, and from it springs intelligence. Not necessarily ‘intelligence’ as in ‘he’s an intelligent man,’ but the sort of natural intelligence that leads a person to continually seek new knowledge and new understanding of the world around them.

Believing in something, be it love, or hope, or even more man-made creations like organized religion or government, gives us a platform from which we can face the world and what it presents. And like an actual platform, or base, on which a house or bridge is built, our platforms support us, and give us a basis of facing the challenges life gives us. This begs the question, though, of whether or not our individual platform, base, or foundation allows us to be flexible, to question ourselves, to question those around us, and to discern if we are operating from a place of love or of fear. Love will give us the world; hate and fear will take it away, perhaps forever.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

                    —Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Dreams Become Goals with Action

Dreams are the stuff of, well, dreams.  Visions of adventure, accomplishment, education, glamour, and the like float through our collective conscience like bubbles in champagne.  And this gives us a reason to improve, to strive for something higher, be that a new car or a better life.  And it’s possible to realize those dreams when you take action to make them happen.  How many young people have returned to school to complete a Bachelor’s or Master’s degree they had abandoned, or perhaps never started?  Or the high-school dropout who looks around one day, and realizes the only way he can create a better situation is to buckle down, get that GED, or beyond, and begin to put foundations under those old dreams he now sees as goals.  Because taking action is the only way to get there.  No one can do it for you, but you can enlist the help of friends and family to help keep you on track, and remind you of your goals you sometimes forget when facing the daily challenges of life, of what needs to be done, to pick up the kids after soccer practice, keeping the house clean and in repair, and so many other necessary ‘distractions’ that can divert us from driving towards that goal on a daily basis.  The getting up early, the staying up late, using your commute to practice your songs in the car, of learning Spanish in five-minute bites of your day. It all adds up. Fifteen minutes of writing every day, no matter what, adds up to an article very quickly, and a novel over time. Taking the opportunity to speak Spanish with friends and co-workers who speak the language during a break is a great way to keep moving forward, potentially falling on your face with incorrect phrases, but learning all the same, and maybe picking up some of the idioms every language has, but are difficult to teach. And finally, of having a spouse, a friend, reminding you of what you’re reaching for, and why. 

Doesn’t it all sound great? A dream, with a plan, taking action to make it happen, even enlisting others to keep you on track, and you’re on your way to paradise. Life, however, has a way of intervening in even the best laid plans, and suddenly we find ourselves thinking, ‘if only I had just….’ And that ellipsis is filled with the excuses we create to keep ourselves stuck. And then we justify those excuses. But the fact remains that if you want to run the New York Marathon, you’ve got to put in the miles on the road. Get up early, or stay up late, if that’s more your style, run before washing the dishes, the car, or whatever other ‘necessary’ thing needs to be done. Not after. Because it doesn’t get done, and ‘after’ the car is washed and put away, you’re probably not thinking about lacing up your shoes and hitting the pavement. Making ‘deals’ with ourselves might be one of our worst ways to accomplish things. Having a team, or a tribe of people who support you, and best of all, keep you accountable is probably the best. That’s one of the reasons checking in with a sponsor is so effective in 12-step programs dealing with addiction. If you know you have to check in with someone, to whom you’ve decided to be accountable, it’s a little easier to say no to the distractions; a convenient ‘excuse’ if you will, to allow you to pursue a better alternative to not chasing your goal. After years, decades really, a couple decided to lose weight using a tried-and-true method, by doing it together, and checking in with each other constantly. It didn’t happen overnight, and there were some slips, but in less than a year, both had shed the unwanted weight, and had created a new bond by keeping each other on track to better health. The point is that however we do it, we need to create ‘community’ for ourselves: our spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, co-workers, online groups will help us to keep the momentum, and help us get closer to our goals. No matter how strong our personal willpower, we can justify anything as humans, good and bad, and at some point, ‘willpower’ crumbles and we’re left with excuses.

So, find your way of being accountable, to someone else, whoever that might be, because without action and forward movement, goals will remain dreams. They might be pretty dreams, occasionally tempting us to make them into reality, but it’s what we do that makes a dream a goal.

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Speed Bumps

Photo: Clker-Free-Vector-Images/Pixabay

Everyone’s dealt with them in traffic: the speed bump.  Near intersections, school crossings, hospitals, etc. And we drive over them and go on our way. But what about those speed bumps life throws at us?  Unexpectedly? Or maybe we weren’t paying attention and all-of-a-sudden we feel that jarring feeling, and think, what was that? Being sick is one of those speed bumps for me. As a fairly healthy person in good shape, being in bed, sleeping 16 hours a day, with breaks to take whatever is alleviating the symptoms I’m facing, is not my favorite way to go through a day. There’s no guilt, per se, as it happens to everyone, but I’m just annoyed, because, like all exceptional people—and aren’t we all?—THIS doesn’t happen to ME!!! So there’s annoyance, and then acceptance, and then the turning into a four-year-old again when people ask how you’re doing. And all adults do this. I do. You do. Even if we’re reluctant to admit it.  But that’s not all bad, though.  Embracing the child in you allows you to sleep peacefully, knowing you’re being watched over—yes, even when alone—and lets you give yourself permission to have hot chocolate in the middle of the day, with whipped cream(!), and then go back to sleep to rest until whatever ails you decides it’s had enough, and departs. And then it’s back to work, to school, to life, and to pick up the pieces we put down during our time out.

But…what if those speed bumps are more continuous? A bad road perhaps? The continuous onslaught of a bad job, or relationship, or situation that just doesn’t go away, like a cold or other temporary discomfort, and we are forced to deal with it day in and day out? Not something hot chocolate, even with whipped cream, can make us see in a different light. How do we deal with those? Initially, we can search for a scapegoat, that harbinger of doom bringing this upon us, causing all this trouble for us, and seeking to get rid of its presence. Scapegoats, of course, are not the cause of whatever ails us, but the wished-for ‘reason’ for our situation.  Looking deeper into the cause of our discomfort sometimes brings us way too close to home: a look at ourselves. Of our habits. Of our desires. Of the things that keep us doing the same things every day, yet expecting different results. No, it’s not a jarring ‘speed-bump’ bounce and on the way, but more a wake-up call to change things on a permanent level. To look deeper and ask why we are doing something in a particular way, at a particular time, when we can see and feel it’s not serving us. Being comfortable with where we are is a human trait, and we are sometimes more ‘comfortable’ being ‘uncomfortable’ with a known habit, trait, or behavior, than we are in trying to change something for the better. EVEN WHEN WE KNOW THAT CHANGE IS THE BETTER WAY. This can be so hard to face. When we face it at all. But it is the only way out of the daily ‘insanity’ that accepting something we know to be harmful presents. It’s why we call a friend and say, ‘I need help with this, because I can’t always see it.’ Or why we create a way of changing things, in small ways perhaps, that allow us to begin to change our behavior to avoid these incessant ‘speed bumps.’

It can be writing every day. My favorite. Or planning a garden. Or simply deciding what the future can be is far more enticing than what is, and then taking those baby steps, each minute, each day, to beginning to LIVE each day differently than before.

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The Power of Want

Photo: Toby_Parsons

As humans, we all need food, clothing, and shelter. These are the basic things that keep us from starving, protects our bodies from injury, and keeps us safe from weather or predators of all sorts. As a baseline for moving through life, the list is pretty simple. We all, however, have wants as well. While some of our wants might coincide with our list of basics, they tend to be larger, grander, or otherwise embellished in some way we find attractive. There are designer clothes, prestigious careers, sports cars, expensive food and restaurants; the list goes on. What makes us long for things other than the simple basics we need? The want, or desire to stand out, to differentiate ourselves, to better ourselves, to reward ourselves, in different ways, from our fellow humans. 

Desire to improve our skill set often derives wanting to be better at something, be it cooking or baseball. We may have seen or read of ways to improve those skills, and as they are things we like to do, and that make us happy doing them, we decide to become better by practicing more, working with an expert to help us refine our skills, and putting in the work to improve. And be they personal or professional skills that we are developing, they will support our efforts to be more skillful, effective people, and take away stress from these activities that we now do well. This, in turn, makes us calmer, more confident people in these and other areas.

When our wants delve into things that are out of reach or detrimental to us, it is often based in fear, selfishness, and pride. Fear of not being the best, the champion, is sometimes seen as failure by people. Losing in the seventh game of the World Series. Accepting the runner-up Wimbledon trophy. These both are incredible achievements by these athletes, but some see only failure, rather than the fact that if they got this far, it’s possible to go further in the future. A car will get us from point A to point B. Wanting a sleek sports car to do this is not a bad thing. Deciding, however, to buy one that is really out of our price range—because it’s nearly always possible to finance it—for how we think it will make us feel, or how we think people will now see us, is not a great idea. Our greatest tool in this situation, if only we are open enough to recognize it, is gratitude. This is when we have to step back, truly see and acknowledge our efforts, what we have, and see them for what they truly are in our lives. The recognition and affirmation of the gratitude for the chance to try, is the key to continuing to be true champions, and acknowledging that ‘failing to succeed’ is a necessary part of learning how to go further.

Want is an odd thing for the human race. At once both helpful and harmful, our perspective is vital to seeing the lessons we might learn, the paths we ought not to take. Gratitude can remind us that what we already have is good, and that ‘wants’ might point us in a new direction we had not considered.

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Action and Momentum

Taking action to create something new, be it a new sport, a new job, or a painting, is one of the biggest steps we can take as human beings. We all know people who are incessantly starting something new, learning new skills, making new friends, seeking new horizons, and there is something enviable about them in many ways. They have moved beyond the ‘wouldn’t it be nice…’ stage of dreaming of a better way to live by putting their dreams in action. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes not. And they don’t seem to care either way. For many of us, trying something new, finding it’s not something we particularly like, and then abandoning it, is seen as failure, but that’s not true. As Thomas Edison said, ‘I have not failed. I have successfully discovered twelve hundred ideas that don’t work.’ By flipping the ‘failure’ paradigm this way, the work put into discovery—even unsuccessfully—is work that will guide us to a better way of doing something.

Taking steps to write a song, or a story, or perhaps to paint a picture, we enlist our unconscious mind, and suddenly we begin to think of new and different ways to create. Some work. Many do not. But all of them are teaching us discernment—what to leave in and what to take out—and we are able to make progress and take those lessons into the next idea that crosses our mind. The momentum we created pulls us along and the work itself becomes more exciting each time we come back to it. We may not finish this particular painting or story at the time, but what we have learned from its creation will go with us into the next project, and help inform our decisions in bringing something else to life. Even if we are only baking pre-prepared slice-off cookies, the very act of creating something is invigorating, and triggers so many positive things within us. Not taking any kind of action to fulfill a dream, or even just to bake cookies, leaves us feeling flat, as if we are procrastinating and letting life pass us by, rather than taking life’s hand and agreeing to dance, even if, especially if, we don’t know the dance steps. It’s more exhilarating to feel the rush of wind as your boat speeds down the river than it is to remain sitting on the dock. There is a time and a place for contemplation, perhaps while sitting on the dock, and there is a time to move, to act. We need both in our lives, each activity aiding the other: those hours of thought and reflection help us define what we want to do, before we begin to move toward it. It is the silence and contemplation that gives birth to the first step of a journey, the first few words of a story, or the opening bars of a song, that once begun, eventually take lives of their own, and we become passengers of our creation that is now fully-fledged and will show us the next steps to take in our quest.

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A House Divided

Photo: TheVirtualDenise/Pixabay

From the beginning of time, community, in its various forms, has been the hub around which our lives revolve. That may mean the Church, the Grange, school, work, and our neighborhood. It may also be emotional, like our favorite football or baseball team, creating a community of like-minded fans.  Social Media has also created new communities, allowing us to stay in contact with friends or family we don’t see often, or perhaps haven’t seen in years. As a society, we tend to be busy, and a quick text or post is the best we can do to reach out to someone. 

Unlike in-person meetings, something that has diminished tremendously in light of the pandemic we face, social media sometimes creates personal echo chambers, where everything we receive, or read, aligns completely with our thought process, and with the things we like. Things, people, opinions, and thoughts we don’t like, have been virtually eliminated. If we so desire, we can also ‘block’ people and organizations from our pages, to further eradicate things that might upset us, or cause us stress. In all, we can be left with our own little ‘perfect’ planet where we agree with everyone and everything there, and not be angry that we were contradicted or proved wrong. It can be a lonely place.

Humans are social beings, which is why we seek groups in which we can happily live. The interaction, even if we disagree, is the point of this, and we learn from each other in this way. Are there disagreements? Absolutely! Recently, however, as our worlds have contracted due to the pandemic, as well as the necessity of not gathering as we used to do, the reliance on phones, computers, and social media has made our world less hospitable, and our culture has been edging toward a more antagonistic way of communicating. We choose a side of a particular argument, and then defend it mightily, as we want, need, to win. Friendship, camaraderie, justice, fair treatment, wholeness, and goodness are thrown to the wayside as we navigate our way to winning the argument. On social media, perhaps because of its anonymity, people say sometimes quite vile things to others, in their attempt to crush them and their way of thinking, which further divides them. And of course, most people walk away from these situations thinking they have ‘won,’ or leave feeling attacked and sad.

What do we take away from these situations? Are they helpful? While we are all capable of bringing light into such situations, that is difficult to remember sometimes. Especially now, when there is such fear running through much of this discourse, causing us to ‘protect’ ourselves and our families from these threats—real or perceived—that we go immediately into defense mode. It seems, though, that this begs the questions, ‘Why am I responding to this?’ and ‘Is my response necessary?’

While there are many ways to answer the first question, it is the second that is far more important. If I decide to respond to a train of thought, will my response help others see the salient points, or will it create a firestorm of disagreement? Realizing, of course, that ‘salient points’ can be a matter of opinion in this case, and may create new issues, is your response necessary at all? Or will letting the ‘argument’ simply lie, neither contested nor defended, the better way to address this? Sometimes, letting something go is better for all involved.

Letting go of an argument, a situation, a person, is sometimes the high road, and allows us to embrace another community value: taking the action that is most beneficial for everyone. This does, of course, necessitate letting go once more; this time of our ego. We don’t have to win everything, be number one, or be the leader of our pack. We want, and need others in our lives, and taking action to ensure that we are looking out for one another, plants the seeds of compassion in all concerned. While it feels good to win, it feels better to create good in the world, and to reap the benefits with our fellow humans.

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We Can’t Be Angry and Grateful at the Same Time…

Life moves at the speed of light, it seems sometimes, and keeping up can be difficult at times. As humans, we are constantly expressing our wants and needs to others, and seeking ways to fulfill our wishes. But, also because we are humans, sometimes understanding another’s reasoning behind things can be tricky, at best. We all express ourselves in different ways, and way too many times, the true meaning gets lost, or is interpreted differently than the speaker intended it to be understood. And we get frustrated, or angry, or both. All of a sudden, the path in front of us is not clear, and that can produce a fear response. In a second, a question-and-answer moment has turned into an argument, with accusations, with plenty of ‘You Should…’ as we fight to be understood. All of a sudden, two people have divided into two camps, determined to ‘win’ and make themselves understood, in order to claim a hollow ‘victory’ for themselves. And what has been accomplished? Absolutely nothing. Nothing, unless you count the seething anger that lingers after such moments, which is not how things began. 

Where to now? How do we calm down and assume a kinder disposition and continue with our day? Deep breaths, of course. A mental ‘Calm down!’ Telling ourselves it’s okay, and so forth. And the deep breaths do help, as these trigger our physical response to being newly oxygenated, and we do physically calm down. The other phrases we tell ourselves can help, too, but largely they help us move on from the event, which is also helpful. The thing I have found the most helpful, however, is an exercise I refer to as ‘Count your Blessings.’ When a situation has gone out of control, and anger and fear are building within us, I try to reach a state where I begin to say, ‘I am grateful for….’ My husband, my family, my health, my fill-in-the-blank of things I am grateful are a part of my life. Starting with the obvious ones, like family, or your relationships, can be a big help in continuing the list, and really thinking about what you are grateful for having in your life, and letting that phrase really sink in and affect you. Somewhat quickly, the deep breaths you may have taken to help you calm yourself have turned into an easy breathing pattern, as the mental stress begins to dissipate as you begin to focus on the things in your life that bring you true happiness. Continuing to list the things for which you’re grateful also lets your subconscious take over, and things begin to be listed that maybe you had forgotten about, or didn’t remember in the heat of the moment that brought you here. That great hike in Oregon from last summer’s vacation, and the glorious sunset that closed out the day. Your child’s homemade Christmas ornaments that you both had such fun making. And all of a sudden, it becomes more difficult to remember why you were angry, and makes it easier to move through the rest of your day. 

Gratitude simply doesn’t permit fear and anger to be a part of the mix. Bringing gratitude into situations that upset us allows us to let go of those emotions and bring ourselves back into feeling love. From this point, we are capable of doing so much, and we bring ourselves and the love now governing us, to whatever we do, and to the people we see.