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Finding a true life can be difficult. Seeing children play and grow is an interesting thing, as they are as true to who they are, and who they were born to be, than they will be at any other point of their lives. And it is beautiful to experience. We run into people in our lives at times, who seem to us to embody that ‘true’ person, unspoiled and unchanged from childhood, and it is like finding a unicorn. Whether or not that person simply continued to grow into the man or woman we just met, or whether they, like most of us, needed to find a way to return to the innocence, if you will, or the true person they were born, is interesting. There are so many influences on human beings as we grow from childhood into adolescence, young adulthood to mature responsibility, and we all handle them in different ways; some are adapted as we see fit, and others go by us like ships in the night, never to be considered. Career, education, marriage, and otherwise navigating the passages of life also influence choices we make, as we weigh options to decide what might be the best path to take for us, and for what we want and desire. The person simply wanting a loving family will certainly make different decisions than the person wanting to be a Magnate of Industry, as will the painter make choices that will take them in that direction, or the would-be professional athlete sacrificing time and energy into becoming the best they can in their sport. And it is all good.

What about those who have made decisions, pursued things they want, or thought they wanted, only to wake up one day to realize where they are in life has not brought them the happiness or satisfaction they thought they would have? They may have the material goods they thought would bring them happiness, or at least outwardly indicate they they are ‘successful,’ but something is missing. How did they get here, and what guiding force—good or bad—was behind the decisions they made? Were the goals true, or were they ephemeral, that is, appearances of situations or things that sent a message to anyone observing it, that this is a successful, or intelligent, or desirable person? While life-decisions can be a mix of all the above, being influenced by family, friends, work, school, and so many other factors, most go back to how we see ourselves, and how we believe we fit into the world around us. Do we feel we are intelligent enough to get into medical school and be a good doctor when we finish? Or was that someone else’s idea for us, dependant upon their view of us, and slowly we began to think it was a good idea for us as well? Or the gifted artist whose drawings and paintings are inspiring for all who see them, hears the praise for those artworks along with the idea that it will be a nice hobby in life, and not a way of making a living, somehow sneaking into the artists unconscious until she believes it herself, and chooses a different path in life…always wondering what her life would have been had she made different decisions. 

A Return to Innocence, to the true self, is based on reflection of what makes us excited, that we would do regardless, and bringing that back into our lives. It may take baby steps, like buying a new paint brush, or re-reading your old poems, and slowly reintroducing yourself and your passion, day by day, and letting your imagination take you where you need to go. Driving a bucket of golf balls at the driving range may not take you to the Masters, but if that is your passion, it will begin to reawaken that part of your soul, the one that may have long been dormant, but one that you deserve to have in your life, giving you the joy of being a part of something you love again.

“If I talk about something I either talk about it or I DO it…the minute I talk about it it’s lost all its drive and all its fun.

                        —Carol Channing

How many times have we had great ideas, or at least things we think we’d like to do, thinking they might just work out to our advantage? Pretty often, if you’re like me. It could be anything from starting a charity to helping feed people, if that’s what really excites you, to deciding to learn Spanish, not because you need to, but because you think you would like to know another language. And as social beings, we’re often tempted to poll our friends to see what they think about it, and are often talked out of doing anything at all. Some will think it’s a good idea, and others will play Devil’s Advocate, and point out everything that could go wrong. And we do…nothing.

However, as a large athletic company urged us years ago: JUST DO IT! Whatever it is. However implausible your success. Whatever you need to learn to do it. Just. Do. It. The quote that began this is so accurate. Unfortunately accurate. Because our minds can create amazing things, things no one has done before. Or perhaps just different enough from something else that your personal version breaks new ground and its value is made manifest.

Anything you do, let it come from you, then it will be new…

                        —Stephen Sondheim

It has been said that there’s nothing new in the world, nothing we’ve not seen before, and all the ‘newness’ to something novel is just variations on a theme. Maybe. But maybe not. We are each unique individuals, each with a singular outlook on life and the world, and by bringing our own ‘take’ to something, we make it our own. Think of how many singers have sung Jerome Kern’s ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’ and how each voice and interpretation brings something different to the song. There may be favorites we prefer, but each new version brings something unique and individual to the song itself, allowing us to hear it for the first time…again.

The creation of something is why we, as artists, athletes, scientists, healers, and so on, thrive; bringing our thoughts, experiences, and worldview to a project, a song, a dance, and we accomplish it by just doing it. The key word here is ‘DO.’ Taking action. Lighting a flame. Whatever the metaphor, taking action on something big, something that excites us, and drives us to do things we very much want to do is the human experience encapsulated. We are here to create a better world than we entered, and we can all do it, if we only take actions on those notions, do our absolute best, and put it out there in the world for others. 

The first step in this process is to write down the idea, so you don’t forget its specific parameters, and then begin a rough outline on the individual steps needed to make this happen. This step leads to refining it, pivoting to plan B if something fails, but to unswervingly keep going until it begins to take shape. At this point, our idea has become something unique to us, and as its parent, up to us to nurture it to fruition. The second step, and probably the most important, is to find a way to hold yourself accountable for taking action. For some, this means telling everyone you know what you are doing, so that every interaction with someone generally prompts the questions of how your project is going. Because none of us want to look like we’ve abandoned our own passions, we will tend to make time, and take a ‘no matter what’ stance in getting things done. Others are able to make a timeline and stick to it. Whatever method chosen, self-honesty is vital. You know when you are sliding, and just letting things go, and you know when you’ve put in the work, regardless of the results of a particular action, and how things are progressing. And there are roadblocks to everything, no matter what you have chosen to do. Writing a song or a story? There will be moments of ‘writers block’ that keep you from progressing very far that day. But these are balanced by those days when it all seems to flow and the song nearly writes itself.
Letting go of the fear of ‘failing’ is key. We all have a need for love and approval, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The criticism of what we have done can be hard sometimes, but it can also be encouraging, when we hear that what we have done is beginning to have an affect on others. This is when it sometimes seems that the Universe has come together and sent us help in the form of positive comments, suggestions, and it seems that we are being helped along by everyone and everything in our lives. What we have actually done, however, is act on our passions and put them out there for others to see, read, hear, and enjoy; we all react well to experiencing the joy of others in action.

Growth that takes us to a new level of understanding, skill, or allows us to create new things, new relationships, is nearly always accompanied by some kind of personal pain. It is pain of letting go of the old way of doing things, while facing the task of understanding the new ideas and how to apply them to create the new. Often compared to the labor pains that come with physically giving birth to a child, change in our lives is uncomfortable, disconcerting, and often tests our will to go forward. In the case of childbirth, there is no going backward, as the child will come forth and be born. With other things, many of us find ways of lessening the discomfort, sometimes reaching backward for a habit or ritual that served us in our past, but is not going to help us in our new endeavor. We want to compare the new job, for example, to an old position that we liked, trying to find ways of creating those feelings of stability and comfort we felt in the old job. And guess what? It doesn’t work. Asking something new to be like something old is not only pointless, but is confusing, most of all to ourselves. We may find ourselves expecting others to behave as they did in the past, or for the rituals of our new setting to somehow miraculously become more familiar.

How to get through this? Like a new mother-to-be, or perhaps a marathon runner feeling doubt about finishing, we press on through the pain to create new life, either literally, as in the first case, or figuratively, as in the second, to trust in ourselves, and in our strength and endurance to keep going. Easier said than done, though, and sometimes remembering the baby steps we took to get where we are now is one of the most helpful things we can do. In a marathon, we have trained, early mornings with headlamps and flashlights, rainy afternoons, and snowy evenings, taking step after step, up and down hills and other difficult terrain, designed to strengthen our bodies in many ways in order to face the challenges that running a marathon presents. And we keep going, until today’s training is behind us, and we feel the elation, along with some of the physical pain, that such training provides.

Trusting ourselves and our process, as well as our faith in ourselves can help us through difficult situations, but it is also vital to remember that we did not do this alone. Even the most introverted among us have families, spouses, friends, all who have encouraged us, challenged us when we seem to be backing off, and otherwise became part of the reason we were able to go through difficult times. Some of life’s challenges may seem like a failure, but as Thomas Edison said of those experiments, ‘I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.’ Taking that to heart, and finding yet another way that may or may not work can be frustrating, but taking the knowledge of the ‘failed’ attempt is a guideline to follow into creating something truly amazing. Remembering that we all have someone in our lives who is supporting us when we come up short, and wants only the best for us can be the little spark of inspiration that keep us going, on to the next experiment, mile after mile, through pangs of physical pain, and to new life and growth.

What is it about venturing into unknown territory that fascinates and terrifies us? Though the known world is fairly well mapped at this point in time, there is still so much we don’t know; so much yet to discover. We take exotic vacations—safaris, climbing expeditions—to see and experience new things we have never seen or done before. And why? Human curiosity is certainly on a wide spectrum, ranging from those who rarely leave hearth and home, to those who have traversed the globe multiple times. Each day, we are faced with new challenges, new people, new ideas, and our knowledge, patience, and kindness is tested in different ways. And why? Because it is in being tested that we grow. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, ‘A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor,’ and it is quite true. Always staying in the harbor, in fair weather will certainly guarantee you can handle a boat in one way. But by leaving the harbor, leaving the safety, the guaranteed path, is where we learn the most, and critically, how we handle adversity and turmoil.

The Stoic philosophy urges us to ask whether things that happen in our lives are in our control. That is, can we control the action or outcome of something ourselves. If the answer is yes, we are urged to make the best decisions we can and deal with the repercussions regardless. If it is not in our control, then we must endure it as best we can, and keep moving through life. Occasionally when swimming, we might find ourselves in deeper water than we expected to be in, perhaps pulled in that direction by wind or tides. Our feet no longer touch the bottom. What then? If we have been taught to swim, we might begin swimming in the direction we know to be safer, where we can touch the bottom again, just to give ourselves that feeling of safety. And for non-swimmers? Depending on the person, they might realize they can, indeed, float with their head above water, and perhaps try to call out to someone nearby for help getting back to the shore. In either case, though we might have been able to prevent ourselves from being in this situation—in our control—life presents us with situations we simply have to figure out what to do in the moment, using everything we have, not to panic, and to believe that we can do more than we might have thought possible. And these experiences stay with us the next time we are in a similar situation, and we are able to draw on them—though they were hardly fun to learn sometimes—to guide us to a higher place still: building on the lessons we learned there.

It is in controlling what you are able to control—especially as it concerns your reactions to things that happen—and allowing those uncontrollable situations to be your teachers that not only brings knowledge, but helps us become more confident in ourselves, and of how we move through the world. It also enables us to become teachers ourselves, guiding those around us through deep water, or steep mountains, to share our knowledge and to enable others to share theirs as well.

The world has reached a point where everyone is special. And truly, like snowflakes, we are all unique, with different points of view, talents, knowledge, and inner beauty. But like snowflakes, which largely look the same at a glance, and can overwhelm us at times—winter storms—we need to look very closely at them to see these qualities. In the case of snowflakes, under a microscope in a chilly laboratory is the best way to see these characteristics. What about the people we see daily, or work with, or perhaps encounter for the first time? Do we see their singular traits? Or do they get labeled and lumped into a category in our mind that is easier for us to navigate? Perhaps both, or neither.

In my work life, I deal with clients, trying to fulfill their needs and wants, and overall, I feel I do my job pretty well. It’s really disconcerting, however, getting criticism from the people I am trying to help, especially when I’ve made a great effort to do so, and then I get nothing but objection and dissatisfaction. In my mind, I’ve really tried to do all I can, and the rebuke comes as a slap, largely to my ego. We all go through life with expectations, not only of ourselves, but of others in our lives as well. From expecting certain ideals and behaviors from your spouse and children, to the assumption that your co-workers and clients will behave in a certain way, it is when our hopes are shattered by them that we defend ourselves. In many cases, particularly with our work, we keep our defense to ourselves, saying to ourselves they’re just ‘ungrateful,’ or ‘uneducated ‘about the subject at hand, and put them into that ‘problematic client’ folder, which is then filed in our memory for future use.

And we have just fallen into the trap of seeing only the dissatisfaction, anger, or disappointment they are feeling, and completely forgetting why we are even at work. This is a common thread in a soup kitchen, where the cooking or service is often criticized by the clients, who very much need this assistance. Many volunteers in this situation are not looking under that microscope for the dignity each of us has, but is sometimes difficult to see immediately. If the expectation is gratitude, for time, for service, and so forth, we need to remember that we need to look at these others, many of whom we will never encounter again, as guests in this space and as guests in our lives, and treat them, criticism and all, as well as we would invited guests in our homes. When we are able to do this, the entire experience at work, while volunteering, while coaching, while teaching, becomes about using our knowledge to create a better situation for others. When we look at strangers and acquaintances as guests, the paradigm changes drastically, and allows us to summon and show our better instincts and actions, all in the name of hospitality and love of our fellow humans.

Forgiveness. This is a word and concept that has been part of Civilization for ages. Whether or not it comes from religious beliefs or simply the idea that we should forgive and let go of hurt and pain, real or perceived, allows us to move on as human beings. As human beings, we are hard-wired to survive what may come our way. While the dangers and choices we face may no longer include saber-toothed tigers, and the outcome of a bad situation may not mean death, that old brain, the ‘archicortex’ as I like to call it, is still calling the shots. Life, and staying alive, is so strong within us that our old brain will use any means to ensure we continue to live, and to thrive as best we can. That can mean sublimating adverse events, forgetting the pain, and simply moving on carrying the wound with us. The wound itself, is now internal, psychological, but it’s presence continues to override other choices we might make if it were not present. For example, after a bad relationship ends, any number of people are gun-shy about meeting new people and perhaps beginning a new relationship. Why? The pain caused by the former relationship is still an open wound. There has been no forgiveness, no letting go, no allowing oneself to chalk it up to experience and to exploring what it means to have a friendship, or a romance, with another person.

Why do we do this? The pain we experienced was very real, and many of us felt betrayed, deciding we could never trust this person again, or any other, for that matter. I, like everyone reading this, had that happen to me, years ago now, but after two or three years feeling angry whenever I thought about this person, about what I felt was done to me, how hurt and belittled I felt, I had an unexpected chance to close that wound, and to truly move on. I was now in a new, wonderful relationship, with someone for whom love was unconditional, in all cases. A good friend called one Monday morning, and asked if the two of us would like to come to brunch at their house this coming Sunday. Having not seen him for a while, I agreed, and said I needed to be sure that we were both able to make it, but was sure it would be great.

A day later, I received a voicemail from my friend, asking me to give him a call. When he picked up, he said he was glad we would be coming this Sunday, and said, sort of cautiously, ‘By the way, I just wanted to let you know that T.M. Is coming as well. Is that going to be okay?’ T.M. Is, of course, my ex, who had caused me so much grief. I replied, ‘Oh, sure, that’s okay,’ and we said our goodbyes and I put down the phone.

I didn’t know how to react for a couple of minutes, and I sat there without saying a thing. Then I reached for my legal pad and fountain pen and began journaling, something I’d done for a couple of years at that point, and that had helped me work through ‘old stuff’ before, and I began to write. I would do this two or three times a day, focusing on the old relationship, and metaphorically holding my own hand as I walked through it, the ups, the downs, the beginning, the end, and where I was now. The week passed, Saturday morning came, I continued to journal and get this out on paper at least. Sunday morning arrived, and soon it was time to leave for the brunch and my date with destiny. My own destiny, of course, and in my own hands, but still an unseen conclusion. On the drive up, at some point, Dave looked at me and asked if I were still okay with this, and that we could turn around and not go, if that would be better. My response was, ‘No, I’m okay with this. I think it will be good for me to face this, rather than avoiding it forever. I’ve been writing all week about it, and yes, I would rather walk up and clock him with a baseball bat, but I’ll be okay.

And I was. And my old friend and I caught up. What his family was doing, what mine was doing. His sister had another child. Did she get married again? He laughed and said, “yeah, I guess I forgot you didn’t know that.’ And so on. And in that moment, those minutes, that half-an-hour, I was able to remember why it is we fell in love when we did, as well as why we were not still together. That truly, love never dies, because in the glow of the forgiveness I’d just experienced, I realized I still loved him. Not in the same way I did before, but perhaps in a deeper, truer way now that we had moved on from each other. A realization that I knew this person better than many others would in his life, and vice-versa, and that what we experienced together, would be with us forever, and would inform so many choices we would make long after we parted. The completeness of the day, of forgiveness, of seeing the past for the truth it now brought us both, was so very illuminating, and I realized the only way to heal is through forgiveness.

It’s been my recent observation that one of the most profound things human beings do, and that separates us from the animal kingdom, is on the decline. Without veering into politics—is that even possible these days?—and pointing fingers, I’ve noticed people, human beings, have ceased to think. I do work in an industry that puts me in contact with humans of myriad socio-economic, educational, and cultural differences, and yes, there can be a difference because of that, but overall, I do not find people thinking. Instead, they seem to want you, or me, to do their thinking for them. I’m still puzzled, because this is not just about which stock to buy, or which shirt would be better for them, but about decisions that affect only them, and do not, in any way, affect me at all, except that they want, or need, someone else to do this for them.

It’s as if a large percentage of the population suddenly decided it’s just too much effort for them to make their own decisions, so they need to find a thought-surrogate.
We are, indeed, living in a time where everyone is ‘special’ in some way; a world where someone with a catchy idea, or thoughts that resonate with a certain group can be a Social Media Star! And for those of you that might poo-poo this idea, yes, you, or they, in this case, can, indeed make money by doing this. It is also a world where everyone is an ‘exception’—if not exceptional—and the ‘rules,’ whatever they might be, do not apply to them. They become really agitated and possibly abusive when you point out that the ‘rules’ are for everyone, and they’re no exception. The concept of creating societal rules—of etiquette, of speaking, of driving a car, of treating other people well—is to reinforce that in some way, we all need to get along at some level, and there needs to be a common agreement about things like how to navigate in traffic, for example. You don’t need to invite everyone you meet to your house for dinner, but you need to find a way to make your way through the world without inconveniencing or offending everyone who crosses your path.

Asking questions, very simple questions that can be answered with little thought is sometimes how I negotiate this phenomenon when at work. ‘How have you done this before?’ ‘What was the best result you had when you did that?’ ‘If we do that, will the probable outcome make you happy?’ It sometimes feels like I’m talking to a very young child who hasn’t experienced very much of life, and is still learning to make his or her way through this world. While this is okay on an occasional basis, to ask your fellow humans to constantly simplify EVERTHING for you is ridiculous. Yes, ridiculous. I’m not your dad, I’m not your priest, rabbi, etc. I’m not your personal assistant. I am also not, as you may have picked up by now, a particularly patient person when it comes to these situations. It’s part of my learning curve to learn patience, and I am doing so. I suppose then, that I need to thank this current situation, however temporary it may be in my life, for teaching me patience, empathy, and understanding beyond what I ever thought was possible. And I take it up as my personal quest to find a way through this that I can share, and bring a new, different degree of understanding to others.