Tag: Gratitude

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Anger Begets Anger

At some point, being angry is just another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without thinking about it.

—Jonathan Trapper

We’re living in a very angry world right now. Being angry people. Angry about what’s going on politically, environmentally, socially, and I am seeing anger become our default, being ‘normalized’ in some odd, portentous way; a way that will not lead us to triumph over what’s causing the anger: seeing injustice to ourselves and others, feeling it wash over us as we struggle to understand how to move beyond it. And it’s hard. It’s very hard. As Jonathan Trapper notes in the above quote, anger can be like a bad habit: smoking, excessive drinking, reckless driving, cursing. And so it is. Think of the last time you felt really angry about something, and how it made you feel. Perhaps you felt physically hot, your breathing pattern may have quickened, and afterward, you felt you had to ‘come down’ from an emotional peak before feeling ‘normal’ again, as the tension left your body. Like those aforementioned bad habits, anger feeds on itself, using the energy it brings to take you to the next level of emotion, feeling, or action. And calming down after being angry is, indeed, like coming down from a high caused by drinking, drugs, or out-of-control behavior.

So, how to deal with our anger? Not expressing it is not necessarily the best way, but what about expressing it in ways other than screaming, yelling, or throwing things? Of realizing, that yes, I’m angry, and think the situation that caused it is beyond ridiculous. And then asking yourself if being angry will help the situation. Or is another action the way to go here? To follow the ‘bad habit’ metaphor, being angry doesn’t need to be the gateway to expressing that anger in an out-of-control, ‘drunk’ manner that only drives you to vent, and does nothing to alleviate those feelings, or what has happened to cause them. I’ve found that if I consciously think, ‘Breathe,’ and then do so, slowly, my thoughts begin to quickly go over what has happened, and I usually begin to realize that it’s not that serious, and that it’s going to be okay. And I’ll admit that’s really tough sometimes: at those times when you feel denigrated, put-upon, betrayed, lied-to, ignored, and all those things that make us feel less-than, finding the ‘high road’ is not easy. And then I begin looking for ways to be grateful for what has happened. Not that I’m happy something happened that caused me to be very afraid, but that I was able to back away and see it for what it was, and at least I tried to mitigate the negativity  at hand. Searching for ‘grace’ in the situation, a way to be grateful for even a small part of this event—if only for the knowledge that I know I will be able to face this again and not fall apart—is the beginning of discovering the ‘better way’ through anger, replacing the anger reflex with gratitude. To see that, perhaps, you are in some way wiser and better prepared to face your own anger in new and challenging situations.

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The Power of Want

Photo: Toby_Parsons

As humans, we all need food, clothing, and shelter. These are the basic things that keep us from starving, protects our bodies from injury, and keeps us safe from weather or predators of all sorts. As a baseline for moving through life, the list is pretty simple. We all, however, have wants as well. While some of our wants might coincide with our list of basics, they tend to be larger, grander, or otherwise embellished in some way we find attractive. There are designer clothes, prestigious careers, sports cars, expensive food and restaurants; the list goes on. What makes us long for things other than the simple basics we need? The want, or desire to stand out, to differentiate ourselves, to better ourselves, to reward ourselves, in different ways, from our fellow humans. 

Desire to improve our skill set often derives wanting to be better at something, be it cooking or baseball. We may have seen or read of ways to improve those skills, and as they are things we like to do, and that make us happy doing them, we decide to become better by practicing more, working with an expert to help us refine our skills, and putting in the work to improve. And be they personal or professional skills that we are developing, they will support our efforts to be more skillful, effective people, and take away stress from these activities that we now do well. This, in turn, makes us calmer, more confident people in these and other areas.

When our wants delve into things that are out of reach or detrimental to us, it is often based in fear, selfishness, and pride. Fear of not being the best, the champion, is sometimes seen as failure by people. Losing in the seventh game of the World Series. Accepting the runner-up Wimbledon trophy. These both are incredible achievements by these athletes, but some see only failure, rather than the fact that if they got this far, it’s possible to go further in the future. A car will get us from point A to point B. Wanting a sleek sports car to do this is not a bad thing. Deciding, however, to buy one that is really out of our price range—because it’s nearly always possible to finance it—for how we think it will make us feel, or how we think people will now see us, is not a great idea. Our greatest tool in this situation, if only we are open enough to recognize it, is gratitude. This is when we have to step back, truly see and acknowledge our efforts, what we have, and see them for what they truly are in our lives. The recognition and affirmation of the gratitude for the chance to try, is the key to continuing to be true champions, and acknowledging that ‘failing to succeed’ is a necessary part of learning how to go further.

Want is an odd thing for the human race. At once both helpful and harmful, our perspective is vital to seeing the lessons we might learn, the paths we ought not to take. Gratitude can remind us that what we already have is good, and that ‘wants’ might point us in a new direction we had not considered.

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We Can’t Be Angry and Grateful at the Same Time…

Life moves at the speed of light, it seems sometimes, and keeping up can be difficult at times. As humans, we are constantly expressing our wants and needs to others, and seeking ways to fulfill our wishes. But, also because we are humans, sometimes understanding another’s reasoning behind things can be tricky, at best. We all express ourselves in different ways, and way too many times, the true meaning gets lost, or is interpreted differently than the speaker intended it to be understood. And we get frustrated, or angry, or both. All of a sudden, the path in front of us is not clear, and that can produce a fear response. In a second, a question-and-answer moment has turned into an argument, with accusations, with plenty of ‘You Should…’ as we fight to be understood. All of a sudden, two people have divided into two camps, determined to ‘win’ and make themselves understood, in order to claim a hollow ‘victory’ for themselves. And what has been accomplished? Absolutely nothing. Nothing, unless you count the seething anger that lingers after such moments, which is not how things began. 

Where to now? How do we calm down and assume a kinder disposition and continue with our day? Deep breaths, of course. A mental ‘Calm down!’ Telling ourselves it’s okay, and so forth. And the deep breaths do help, as these trigger our physical response to being newly oxygenated, and we do physically calm down. The other phrases we tell ourselves can help, too, but largely they help us move on from the event, which is also helpful. The thing I have found the most helpful, however, is an exercise I refer to as ‘Count your Blessings.’ When a situation has gone out of control, and anger and fear are building within us, I try to reach a state where I begin to say, ‘I am grateful for….’ My husband, my family, my health, my fill-in-the-blank of things I am grateful are a part of my life. Starting with the obvious ones, like family, or your relationships, can be a big help in continuing the list, and really thinking about what you are grateful for having in your life, and letting that phrase really sink in and affect you. Somewhat quickly, the deep breaths you may have taken to help you calm yourself have turned into an easy breathing pattern, as the mental stress begins to dissipate as you begin to focus on the things in your life that bring you true happiness. Continuing to list the things for which you’re grateful also lets your subconscious take over, and things begin to be listed that maybe you had forgotten about, or didn’t remember in the heat of the moment that brought you here. That great hike in Oregon from last summer’s vacation, and the glorious sunset that closed out the day. Your child’s homemade Christmas ornaments that you both had such fun making. And all of a sudden, it becomes more difficult to remember why you were angry, and makes it easier to move through the rest of your day. 

Gratitude simply doesn’t permit fear and anger to be a part of the mix. Bringing gratitude into situations that upset us allows us to let go of those emotions and bring ourselves back into feeling love. From this point, we are capable of doing so much, and we bring ourselves and the love now governing us, to whatever we do, and to the people we see.