Moving through our lives, we have many things vying for our attention, and sometimes—often—we are asked to decide, at that very moment, to make a decision that may go against our thoughts. A friend asks us out for a drink. Our boss asks us to finish our report by Monday morning, which would entail working through the weekend. What do we say in each of these instances? Many, if not most, would agree to what was asked, which would mean foregoing whatever else we might have had plans to do instead. We want to be nice, and agreeable, to our friend, to our boss, so we say ‘yes’ and put the other things on hold.Why? One answer is that when we are unclear about what is essential in our lives—work, family, leisure, etc.—we are almost defenseless. Yes, we may have made plans to go hiking with the family this weekend, or needed to be available to pick up the children, or have tickets to a concert that evening, but more strongly, we do not want to create a socially awkward situation that will put everyone out.
There is a wonderful story that author Greg McKeown tells in his book Essentialism about his friend Cynthia and her father. The two of them—Cynthia was twelve at the time—had planned a ‘date’ night in San Francisco for just the two of them, when they would take a trolley car to Chinatown, eat Chinese food—a favorite—shop for a souvenir, take in the sights, catch a movie, and then take a taxi back to the hotel, take a quick swim, order a hot-fudge sundae from room service, and then watch the late-late show. They had discussed the details over and again and the anticipation was high. Cynthia was with her father when they left the convention center, where he ran into an old friend he’d not seen for years. Cynthia watched as they embraced, and the friend said, ‘We want to invite you, and of course Cynthia, to get a spectacular seafood dinner down at the Wharf!’ Her father responded, ‘It’s great to see you. Dinner at the wharf sounds great!’ Cynthia was crushed. Then her father said, ‘But not tonight. Cynthia and I have a special date planned, don’t we?’ Whereupon he took Cynthia’s hand and they made an exit to begin their evening.
Cynthia’s father, who also happened to be Stephen R. Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and one of the most successful business thinkers of his generation, not only taught what is essential to the business world, he lived his life according to these essentialist principles. In two sentences, he let his friend, and his daughter, know what was most important, most essential, to him. He had the clarity of his convictions guiding him and he was able to keep his plans in place without creating any sort of awkwardness for either himself, his friend, and especially his daughter. His strong internal clarity on this point made the situation easy for him to respond. When this internal clarity is not clear, many of us tend to become defenseless in the situation, and say and do things that we really don’t consider crucial, in fear of creating social awkwardness. As humans, we are designed to get along with others, which is why the thought of saying ‘No’ in these potentially awkward predicaments makes us feel guilty. But our choice at this moment is to say ‘No,’ and regret it for a few moments, or to say ‘Yes’ and regret it for a long time.
We all like to get along with others, and while it’s not pleasant at first, we can learn to say ‘No’ firmly, yet gracefully. Our own fears of letting someone down, or disappointing another are largely amplified in our own minds, but the more we are able to do it, we often find that people respect us more. They are learning that while we may not be able to do everything, when we do say ‘Yes’ that we are fully present and at our best.