Carefully Taught

‘You’ve got to be carefully taught…’ goes the refrain from a song in the Broadway musical South Pacific. The man singing is the young lieutenant from the USA, who has fallen in love with a young Polynesian woman, and is beginning to hear from others that he’s making a mistake, that it’s not ‘right’ or ‘natural’ and so forth: that a Caucasian man and a Polynesian woman should not fall in love due to their different skin tones. The song addresses racism head on, and makes no bones about the fact that racism, along with all other prejudices, are taught. These are not ‘natural’ ideas floating around our subconscious, waiting to be triggered by some event that makes us suddenly and irrevocably discriminatory. When left to their own devices, small children will play with other small children, delighting in their company, and not noticing their gender, their race, their language, or any other differentiating feature. They are simply small children, playing games together, making up stories, and pretending, using what is available—sometimes only their imaginations—to imitate what they have seen, and by so doing, begin to learn social behavior. They learn how to get along, how not to get along, and so many other things. But, again, left to themselves, the prejudices that may appear later in their lives, do not have a part of this time.

The lyric above is absolutely correct: people need to be taught to hate and discriminate. Love, and the pleasure it brings is the human default. Conversely, fear is the root of hatred and prejudice, though that’s not often acknowledged by most of us. And yes, we all have fears that lead us to irrational thoughts, some more benign and some more nefarious than others, about other people, other countries, other religions, and anything that drives wedges between the potential friendship and collaboration of two entities, be they humans, states, or political parties. When that happens, a door closes, and the knowledge and learning that might have been gained by both is sacrificed. Yes, some people are scary. We may completely disagree with someone about evolution, or religious belief, but when these walls go up and we dismiss the other person and their convictions, all learning ceases, and our ‘beliefs’ become hardened, atrophied, and begin to lose their merit. While we may have been on the right track, by closing off civil discourse, we have chosen to limit what we hear, learn, and ultimately understand. And all as if there is one true belief system, eclipsing all others in its knowledge and scope. It is reassuring to think there is one true belief system, and as humans, we seek comfort and consistency. But as someone who delights in the diversity that surrounds me, in my little corner of the world, I cannot imagine a world and a universe as profoundly varied as the one we inhabit could or would exist without a multiplicity of differences, challenging us to get to know and understand what is different from us. Curiosity is one of the greatest of human virtues, and from it springs intelligence. Not necessarily ‘intelligence’ as in ‘he’s an intelligent man,’ but the sort of natural intelligence that leads a person to continually seek new knowledge and new understanding of the world around them.

Believing in something, be it love, or hope, or even more man-made creations like organized religion or government, gives us a platform from which we can face the world and what it presents. And like an actual platform, or base, on which a house or bridge is built, our platforms support us, and give us a basis of facing the challenges life gives us. This begs the question, though, of whether or not our individual platform, base, or foundation allows us to be flexible, to question ourselves, to question those around us, and to discern if we are operating from a place of love or of fear. Love will give us the world; hate and fear will take it away, perhaps forever.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

                    —Martin Luther King, Jr.

We Can’t Be Angry and Grateful at the Same Time…

Life moves at the speed of light, it seems sometimes, and keeping up can be difficult at times. As humans, we are constantly expressing our wants and needs to others, and seeking ways to fulfill our wishes. But, also because we are humans, sometimes understanding another’s reasoning behind things can be tricky, at best. We all express ourselves in different ways, and way too many times, the true meaning gets lost, or is interpreted differently than the speaker intended it to be understood. And we get frustrated, or angry, or both. All of a sudden, the path in front of us is not clear, and that can produce a fear response. In a second, a question-and-answer moment has turned into an argument, with accusations, with plenty of ‘You Should…’ as we fight to be understood. All of a sudden, two people have divided into two camps, determined to ‘win’ and make themselves understood, in order to claim a hollow ‘victory’ for themselves. And what has been accomplished? Absolutely nothing. Nothing, unless you count the seething anger that lingers after such moments, which is not how things began. 

Where to now? How do we calm down and assume a kinder disposition and continue with our day? Deep breaths, of course. A mental ‘Calm down!’ Telling ourselves it’s okay, and so forth. And the deep breaths do help, as these trigger our physical response to being newly oxygenated, and we do physically calm down. The other phrases we tell ourselves can help, too, but largely they help us move on from the event, which is also helpful. The thing I have found the most helpful, however, is an exercise I refer to as ‘Count your Blessings.’ When a situation has gone out of control, and anger and fear are building within us, I try to reach a state where I begin to say, ‘I am grateful for….’ My husband, my family, my health, my fill-in-the-blank of things I am grateful are a part of my life. Starting with the obvious ones, like family, or your relationships, can be a big help in continuing the list, and really thinking about what you are grateful for having in your life, and letting that phrase really sink in and affect you. Somewhat quickly, the deep breaths you may have taken to help you calm yourself have turned into an easy breathing pattern, as the mental stress begins to dissipate as you begin to focus on the things in your life that bring you true happiness. Continuing to list the things for which you’re grateful also lets your subconscious take over, and things begin to be listed that maybe you had forgotten about, or didn’t remember in the heat of the moment that brought you here. That great hike in Oregon from last summer’s vacation, and the glorious sunset that closed out the day. Your child’s homemade Christmas ornaments that you both had such fun making. And all of a sudden, it becomes more difficult to remember why you were angry, and makes it easier to move through the rest of your day. 

Gratitude simply doesn’t permit fear and anger to be a part of the mix. Bringing gratitude into situations that upset us allows us to let go of those emotions and bring ourselves back into feeling love. From this point, we are capable of doing so much, and we bring ourselves and the love now governing us, to whatever we do, and to the people we see.

A Return to Innocence

Remember a time, perhaps long ago, when the world seemed magical, that everything was possible, that we could be awestruck by a butterfly, and feel love for everyone around us? An innocence born of not-knowing, of naïveté, of a child’s mind? A simple world that those of us who have children got to share the wonder of our children discovering life as they marvelled at rocks, trees, rabbits, flowers, tall buildings, the ocean; all being discovered and experienced for the first time as they grew. They are beings of pure love. 

Then we start to grow up, and somewhere, somehow, we begin to get too smart for those simple pleasures, as we are told that ‘happiness’ lies in our future, that sometimes we can’t trust our feelings, and that sometimes we should not say anything, even if it is true, and is obvious for everyone who sees it. And so we begin to drift away from our true identities, as we feel less and less, and think more and more. As we continue to grow up, our knowledge and sophistication increases, and some of the wondrous things we beheld before become just another view, object, animal, and we slowly become more and more numb to the world around us. Then we are stopped in our tracks by a beautiful sunset, a doe and her faun in our backyard, the simplicity of a picnic with our friends, and we remember those long-ago things that gave us such joy and that made our world so interesting.

Our state of unconsciousness may be contagious, and the environment we have created in our lives may foster staying that way. Not changing a thing even though we are sure that a change would be good for us is the path of surrender. Certainly unconsciousness is contagious , but so is awareness! If we only decide we want to end our life of surety and numbness, and feel once again, sometimes facing the unknown as we navigate this new direction, we can begin to affect the change, not only in our own lives, but in the world in which we live as well. This is an intelligence always present, an intelligence that causes our blood to flow, the earth to rotate, the sun to rise and set, and that happens without us needing to think, think, think. All we have to do is listen, look, and without judgement, take in what the world gives us. 

Letting go of our expectations, and simply accepting what comes, doing with it as we need, and letting it go yet again. Resisting the urge to judge what comes and of our expectations of it can be so very difficult, coming from our thinking mind. Seeing things for what they are, and not, perhaps how they might affect us, is our portal to being able to live a life more innocent, kind, and full of discovery and wonder. Our return to innocence…

Losing…and Winning

I recently received notice that one of my spouse’s aunts had passed away, accompanied by information on the upcoming celebration of life to say goodbye and to compare stories with other family members and friends. While not unexpected at her age, I was sad to know that we wouldn’t get that occasional call that started, ‘Hey, this is Aunt Jo….’  As well, I would miss the invariable fun and entertaining conversation that followed. She was the one who welcomed me to the family so many years ago, telling me about my husband’s now-deceased father, whom I never met, of her sister and his courtship, marriage, foray into parenting, and so forth. Not to mention hilarious, but far-less-flattering stories about the entire family I was to become part of, and learn to love as my own. I would later learn from my husband of her earlier life, right in the heart of the Washington political scene for so many years: of skirmishes with the left and right, as well as personal triumphs over some of her not-so-favorite political figures, all while having as good a time living life to its fullest, as only she could.

While it left me sad for a while, it also brought back so many memories, not just of my time with her, but with my own family. Memories of my grandmothers, and my grandfather, of great aunts and uncles, who were so close to us they were almost parent-figures at times, of the times at the beach house where dinner was so truly a collaborative event that the phrase, ‘too many cooks in the kitchen’ was made irrelevant. The holidays we made the trek to their house, or them to ours, to be with extended family during the Christmas holiday, and celebrate, not only the holiday, but also our time together. As this flood of personal memories went through my mind, of Aunt Jo and of my own now-gone family members and friends, I realized what memories do for us: they keep the spirit of these people alive and well, and make them a still-vital part of our lives. No, we may not be sharing a glass of wine together, or making cookies, but they are still with us. Guiding, directing, and helping us remember who we are, and where we are going, or where we want to go. And so importantly, helping us remember that failures are not the end. Failure is only the dead end of one way to do something, and it’s now your challenge to find the best way that works for you personally.

As the thoughts above went through my mind, I thought about my own journey through life, and how each of these people, as well as others now no longer with us, gave us some insight into navigating life and the world as we know it. From them, I learned perseverance, of how to keep getting up when I’ve been knocked down, to treat everyone—EVERYONE—with respect, and that showing love is the best way to go through life, even if, maybe especially when, it is not returned.

So I celebrate all those I have known for the love they showed me by being a part of my life, and left me with the legacy of doing the same.