Blog

Posted on

Removing the Barriers

Photo: Klimkin/Pixabay

This world is such a huge place. Physically, we are separated from so many people and cultures, and though we learn much about other places, there is only so much we can do to make that more personal and intimate. How many of us go to parties, to school, to work, and are content to interact only with those with whom we have some commonality, some similarity, that makes the connection a bit more personal? Most of us at times. But what about all of those other people we simply do not know? How many friends have we not made, only to meet these same people later in life and find so much in common? And how much friendship, pleasure, and fellowship have we passed by because we were content to know what we already know, and not reach out to learn more?

In light of this, it is interesting to think of the business convention, with people from all over the country, or perhaps around the world, in attendance, and we choose to sit with and interact with those we already know. We are all in attendance, dressed professionally, some of us are scheduled to speak to larger groups, and we are all wearing a paper name tag that says, ‘Hi! My name is _______.’ We see people, we read their name on the tag, and then return to our group, our ‘safe’ space. Yet, in every one of these situations, there are a few people who step out of their comfort zone, and say, ‘Hi Robert. My name is Mary. It’s nice to meet you.’ A conversation follows where we learn where they live, what their life is like, are they married or single, are there children in their lives, and so much else. And all of a sudden, we know someone new. Just like that. We have, in a minute or two, turned into actual human beings, instead of strangers studying the landscape, trying to decide what we can and cannot do in this particular situation.

One similar situation that happened in my own life landed me a friend, that, though I have not seen her now for over twenty years, I know the minute we meet again, we will converse and rejoice in each other’s company as if there had not been such a long expanse of time between our meetings, as if we had seen each other last week, and the knowledge and intimacy of our friendship will only be strengthened. Because one of us reached out, said ‘Hello’ or similar, and the words began to flow, leading us to know one another better, and as our time together passed—far too quickly—we forged a bond that still exists. We have been in contact since, through relationships, a marriage for each of us, and a comparison of our lives and how they have changed since we first met, living across the hall from one another, at an ancient school, in another country, so many years ago, and we put our hands out, said ‘Hi!’ and found a barrier removed. This type of thing not only removes barriers, it allows us to truly be who we are, truly and honestly, and to allow someone else into our lives that makes a real difference in our words and thoughts.

Breaking through those fences, removing the barriers, being ourselves, and letting others be their true selves as well, is the start of friendship, of love, and of respect. Not only for others, but for ourselves as well. And it all begins with laying aside the fear of being judged, of not being liked, and of taking the chance that we have greeted a person who will not only reciprocate, but will change how we think and move through life.

Posted on

Change As Catalyst

Photo: Geralt /Pixabay

‘It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

—Charles Darwin

Change is an interesting thing in our lives. We meet and greet it in different ways; sometimes grateful for it, and other times lamenting it has become a part of our lives. As children, when everything we see and discover is truly brand new, change is not scary or threatening, but we are excited to embark on this new adventure. Later on, as we get older, we begin expecting certain things in our lives to remain the same, at least for a while, and changes in these things are seen as ‘difficulties’ or ‘problems’ to be dealt with quickly. 

So what happened to this perspective between childhood and adulthood? Historically, mankind’s evolution counted on us knowing which animals, plants and situations were dangerous and could hurt us, allowing us to make quicker decisions and moving on to safer ‘ground’ with our lives intact. Each new thing we encountered at this time could possibly be a threat, and so we either learned to avoid this type of situation, or we possibly did not survive to tell about it. While our known world is far less dangerous than in previous times, the signals we receive are harder to see, hear, and decipher; they are far more sophisticated in appearance and intent, and it is sometimes difficult to tell exactly what we are facing. In short, we now think with our ancient brains making some decisions, and our advanced brains making others, and that can be confusing at times. 

What to do? One school of thought asks us to presume to best intentions and make the best of the situation at hand, which teaches us new and different lessons, some pleasant, some not so pleasant, but we can then move forward into similar situations and make better decisions in the future. Another way to see this is to reject what is in front of us, sticking with the ‘tried-and-true’ and what we already know, even if the situation is truly novel in our lives. This tack puts us in the position of adapting the knowledge we do have to a situation in which our prior knowledge will not suffice, and failure lies in front of us. A third way might be a combination of these two, where we collaborate with others, asking questions to clarify, better see the differences and likenesses, apply carefully selected older ideas to the new situation, while experimenting with new methods to better learn how to navigate the new situation. Each failure we experience in this then becomes just another way it will not work, and allows us to look at new ideas and ways to putting our minds to the task at hand; perhaps creating something we had not considered before, but that allows us to see our problem or project in a new and unique way.

Responding to change does not have to be difficult, but it is sometimes difficult to see the ‘new way’ we need to see in order to make things work the way we would like. Looking at new things and situations is something we were once so very good at doing, something that was exciting to us, and that can be intriguing again. Letting go of a particular way, thought, or technique from our past, and simply allowing ourselves to see the ‘new’ in everything, will allow us the freedom and creativity to make wonderful, new things happen in our lives and for a better world.

Posted on

Just Begin

Photo:MartinSanchez/Unsplash

Many of us have long lists of things to get done during our day, and we approach it in different ways. We all know—or are—the super-organized person who writes out her list, ticks off the things as she finishes them, and watches the time to be sure she has enough time to complete her checklist. Or, we have a general idea of what needs to happen in our day, and we start on what we might view as the most important thing to be done first. We all have different ways of approaching tasks in our lives, and we also have put off things we know we should do sooner than later, but we keep pushing those until ‘later.’ Well, as we often find out, ‘later’ never comes, and something doesn’t get done. Why? Perhaps it’s something that we don’t enjoy doing, or perhaps it’s a difficult conversation we need to have with a co-worker or family member that we really don’t want to have. In these cases, we are already thinking of the ‘worst-case scenario,’ and feeling that it will be difficult, or draining, we put it off until later. Of course, the issues that do need to be discussed don’t get discussed, and the problem that pushed us to bring up the subject continues and nothing is solved. And so goes the cycle of not-accomplishing something. 

There is an old adage that goes something like,’Success comes when you begin.’  Simple, and to the point. It says nothing about our fear of success or failure of any given task, or how we might feel about what we are about to face, but just the simplicity of starting. So. Start now. Take a few minutes and make a list of what needs to be done. Don’t skimp on anything or avoid the hard stuff because we aren’t actually doing anything right now; we are simply setting up things—planning—now to do later. Now take a look at the list in front of you and select the top five things to be done. From this shortened list, now choose one thing. This is what you will do next. Ideally, it will be something you can accomplish today, for if it requires too much time, you won’t be able to move through it quickly and be tempted to give up. So, if it can be done in about ten or fifteen minutes, choose this one. This task will be your small win for the day. But, wait, we’re not quite finished. We now need to make a decision to do this one thing. By taking the first step to begin this task and starting, you have made the decision easy by just beginning.

Yes, there are a lot of things we could be doing instead of this small task, but for habitual procrastinators, like myself, this is difficult work. But by giving ourselves those ‘small wins’ and begin to see that putting things off only complicates our lives, we begin to think in a different way, and the thought that maybe doing this now isn’t quite as bad as I thought begins to be replaced by beginning to see what can quickly and easily be done, checked off the list, and we are able to move on to other, perhaps more enjoyable things in our lives. We simply need to keep thinking, ‘just begin…’

Posted on

Growth & Information

Photo: sasint/Pixabay

For the past few years in the United States, we have heard much about ‘information’—accurate and inaccurate, right and left, fact-based and pure-fantasy—and we have heard these things so often, and from so many different sources, that it’s often difficult to keep things straight in our minds. Additionally, the fact that we have access to ‘information’ at all times puts us in the unique position of sifting through the abundance of ‘facts’ on our own. As humans, most people want validating information; that is, information that confirms the ideas and thoughts they already have; that upholds their point of view. 

This last idea is curious, as it counters the way we typically learn as humans, and how we grow intellectually and socially. Growth of any kind requires us to be open to letting go of things that no longer serve us, and learn how to adapt to the new circumstances. It may also ask us to discard ideas that worked for us in the past, but are no longer of use. When growing physically, we tend not to notice these things, as they are happening organically and we note only the change itself. One day we are taller, or more coordinated, or can run very fast, and we would be hard pressed to place those changes in our learning curve.

It is our intellectual, spiritual, and psychological growth that seeks validation. If it worked before, it should work now. Right? Not necessarily. As we mature, and as our learning skills become sharper, it is easy to slip into a pattern of doing things the same way. We learned them already, we are familiar with how to do them and what the outcome should be, which is comforting. Growth, though wonderful, is often uncomfortable. Learning to write in cursive, after a few years of printing is a big disturbance in both our mind and body, but now we have options: perhaps printing an invitation, and writing notes in cursive. It is when we begin learning things about what we have come to identify with that we rebel against what we’re being told.

In many countries around the world, people have an idea of what defines ‘a citizen,’ inclusive of behavior, thoughts, and words spoken are acceptable. Faced with someone whose words and behavior contradicts our views on this subject, we feel upset, attacked, and defensive. With their actions, they have caused us to question our own beliefs, instead of validating them. In the USA, the past few years have seen this played out multiple times as ‘other’ pieces of information are introduced. The factual history of this information has always been there, but because it did not validate the national group-think on the subject, it was relegated to extraneous history of a very small group of people. So, like any new information we encounter, this has caused a societal dissonance, as many will cling to what has been in place, rather than treating it as a new discovery. For many of us, it is new, and deserves to be explored like discovering new islands, new methodology, or simply learning a new skill. 

Nothing is harmed by accepting something new and then learning about it; we did it as children. We then watched our own children discover similar things and delighted in the joy they found as each new discovery came to light for them. Perhaps if we are able to find ways to let ourselves ‘grow down’ and discover new things, marveling at their unique characteristics and how they fit into what we already know, we might be able to peacefully let go of things we now see do not fit into the ever-changing puzzle that is our existence.

Posted on

Alone…. Together….

Photo: Pixabay

You’ve seen these people.  In the streets, in the market, waiting at the deli, buying movie tickets.  They’re everywhere, and seem to grow in number by the minute. And what they’re doing is not illegal. Nor is it harmful to others, for the most part. You know who they are: those people under the impression that they are the only person on the planet.  Or at least in the general vicinity.  Stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to more fully explain, and with hand gestures, what they’re talking about, requiring everyone else to try and move around them and their posse.  Or the one in the produce section of the market, cart in the middle of the aisle, taking his time to decide between the shiitakes or the portabellas, despite having made this decision before leaving home and writing it on his list.  Or forgetting one of geometry’s principle tenets, that the shortest distance between two point is a straight line; the evidence here being the slow, meandering, diagonal walk across the parking lot, effectively blocking all traffic from proceeding until they’ve reached their destination.  

And yes, I’m being a crank, because I also have a life to live, and I want to get to it, without waiting for these people to reach a decision or destination at last.  And like many, patience is not one of my strong suits; something I work on constantly, but like others, I fail more than I succeed here.  And why is this such a big deal?  Because, it seems these folks have decided that they are not responsible for being considerate to others, despite being out in society, in public, where others have different needs, wants and agendas.  While the individual is not, indeed, responsible for someone else’s life, the individual IS responsible for being a good enough citizen that everyone in society can go about their business without being hindered by someone else’s behavior or actions.  ‘Good enough citizen’ means moving aside when someone says ‘excuse me,’ or conducting themselves in a crowded area so that everyone can move through or around the area without endangering anyone else, and moving aside from the most-commonly used path to allow equal access to everyone.  It means being aware, and paying attention to the situation at hand, rather than the cell phone, for example, and actually taking the time to notice what is happening in the deli, restaurant, gas station, etc., adapting to the circumstances, and moving on when you have finished your business there.  A part of this last is having the courtesy—I know, a too-little-used, slightly-mocked word by too many—to see and asses the situation and then asking if you are in the way, does someone need help, or directions, or simply if you can pass by or give your order if someone seems to need more time to make a decision.  And, to remember that someone asking these types of questions are probably not judging you, are not necessarily annoyed by you, but are simply looking to go about their business as quickly as they can, and are politely asking you to help them do so.  When these questions come, it’s not about or against you, but about you and another taking part in the sometimes easy, sometimes complex, journey through life in society.  Together.

Posted on

How We Sustain

Photo: marcelkessler/Pixabay

We all have those days, perhaps weeks or months, when we don’t quite know what we need to do to keep ourselves moving through this life. At these times, it seems and feels like whatever we do, whenever we do it, things just don’t seem to work out for us the way we might like. Life somewhat stalls at those moments, and we begin to question nearly everything we’ve done beforehand, and judge those actions and decisions as not helpful, and mostly to blame for where we feel we have landed. Of course, this is not the case. We have all made mistakes in our past—big and small—but we keep moving forward, perhaps apologizing and feeling bad for our choice, and eventually we come to feel better about ourselves and where we are.

We are, in philosophical terms, in the Wilderness; that place, or feeling of being alone, remorseful for our behavior, and hoping for answers that don’t seem to come as fast as we would like. So we continue moving through the Wilderness—our life—and looking more closely at the people and things we encounter. Each, after all, might have the answers we seek, and we simply don’t want to miss the chance to speak with them and learn more about who they are. Many times, we encounter others in the same Wilderness as we; searching, looking, listening, and attempting to better understand how to move forward. So, what can we do in this case? Most simply, we can acknowledge where we are, how we feel, and reassure ourselves that this is where we need to be: confused, hopeful, uncertain, and determined. And while those feelings do not necessarily help us feel better, they are keys to feeling better, and giving ourselves another chance to do better the next time.

When we make mistakes, realizing that we have done so, and acknowledging this fact is our first, and most difficult, step we can take. It involves taking our minds back to the events that put us where we are now, remembering the actions, words, and circumstances involved, looking—with honesty and truth—at how the events unfolded, our part in them, and seeing—in slow-motion, almost—how we are now able to move forward and what it will take for us to do so.  However easy or difficult these words and actions might be for us, having recently relived the events, we are able to map out our journey out of the wilderness and into a more peaceful life again.

While these journeys out of our own personal Wilderness may not be easy, being in the Wilderness and experiencing it in all ways will help us make better choices in our lives as we move forward and embrace life, again, with all of it’s twists and turns. 

Posted on

Walking the Labyrinth

Photo: SplitShare/Pixabay

Most of us learn very quickly that life is more apt to throw us twists and curves than it is to throw us easily navigated paths. It sometimes seems rather more like a labyrinth, with many dead ends and false paths. Like walking the labyrinth, though, we learn that the unintended endings and such were not bad things, but things that taught us just one of the ways we could not walk through, but that we needed to search for others. We will find the right door, if we will just be patient—largely with ourselves—and keep searching. 

The past few years of my own life have been a bit like this, starting with a large corporate layoff from a company I liked, admired, and I really enjoyed being there and the work I did. When the layoff news came, I was stunned and did not know what to do or where to turn. Later that afternoon, I decided to do something I have always done and turn to my physical body for answers. By this, I mean I put my body in motion as that has always been my truest self and it is when moving that I hear the truest answers. I went for a run. As I began the run back home, running smoothly on a country road by a beautiful farm, I became aware of a slight buzzing sound that only grew in volume as I continued my run home. Quickly, I realized I was running within a large swarm of dragonflies. Alarmed at first, but then realizing I was in no danger I relaxed back into my pace, the dragonflies following me for a little while, and then going off on their own, leaving me alone to finish running. After arriving home, I looked up dragonflies and their meaning, to find that dragonflies are the harbingers of change. Certainly, this day, that rang true for me. My life had already changed greatly since rising that morning, and would continue to change for a few years to come.

Within a short while, I did find another job, similar to the previous one I had liked, but the differences were enough for me to decide to leave after a year. Another job, different from the last in many ways, lasted a couple of years before COVID-19 changed the way we all work, at least for a while. And, of course, another job replaced that one as well. It is not perfect, and I would prefer things to be different in particular ways, but it has been interesting to see, not only the path I’ve traveled, but of the things I learned while moving through these circumstances. Patience is the key term here. Not being known for saintly patience by nearly everyone I know, it is so interesting to ‘observe’ myself—in retrospect—as someone who patiently deals with clients, adverse situations, and makes a great effort to get as much out of every situation in which I find myself as I possibly can. Walking the labyrinth…

In our lives, we are all not just trying to find our path, our purpose, our center, but to help others find theirs as well. Patience may try us at times as we try to do this, but finding it, again and again, only serves to teach, not only ourselves, but those with whom we keep company, or who watch us from afar, or who simply cross our paths at the right time. It also shows us what we truly seek: our true path of life.

Posted on

Where We Are Now

Photo: LN_Photoart/Pixabay

During my life as a child, my family moved quite a bit. In the first twelve years of my life, I lived in Charleston and then Lewisburg, WV, moving to Knoxville, TN before moving to Memphis, TN, on to Columbus, OH, and finally to Chicago, IL , where we spent a rock-steady six years. When I tell this to people, many are aghast at this steadily constant change as a child, and usually say something along the lines of ‘How awful to be exposed to constant change when you were so young!’ The first few times I heard this, I was quite surprised, as my memories of these events, the change, new people and schools, was quite pleasant, and even exciting. This was normal. I realized as I grew older and watched kids moving into the Chicago area struggle to find friends, be accepted by peers, and try to bring pieces of their own past to their current situation, I realized that they were struggling, and I did, in complete empathy, reach out to them, starting with a ‘Hello.’ While that ended up with a few friends, many were wary of the new society of which they were now a part of, and yet, still trying to figure out how to navigate these new circumstances.

One of the things I realized, much later as an adult, is that I was taught to go into these new situations with an open mind and a curiosity bred by the travel I had done in addition to living in new cities and states. Both of my parents worked hard to help my sister and I adapt to the new places, making sure we understood where we were now, its history, and we established ourselves in this new place by joining a church where we felt welcome, and that welcomed our presence, as well as becoming a part of our school life, with after-class clubs and sports as well. Learning about our new city, its history and our place in it made us care about where we were, and to look for ways we could make it better. Of course, what this created was an attitude of making the most of where we are now. We still had friends in the old places, with whom we kept up with via letters, postcards and the occasional Holiday or Birthday phone call. 

With the world we live in now such a transient place for so many, the secret to making the most of where we are now is not looking for the next move, as one might think, but of making where we are now the best situation for us, right now. Learning, teaching, taking part in the events, celebrations, community service, school, work in a specific place imbues us with a specific knowledge of that place and its people, but more importantly, it teaches us to adapt freely and easily, and that we can improve things just by deciding to learn new means and ways, and beginning to see our new circumstances with new eyes…where we are now.

Posted on

Rise and Stand

Photo: pascualamaia/Pixabay

Every time we help somebody stand up, we are helping humanity rise as well. It’s quite easy to see a fallen child or elderly person and rush to help them to their feet. They are scared, for different reasons, and they are still wondering how this happened even as you help them to their feet and check to be sure they are okay. We have all been in the position of needing, and accepting, help from another when things don’t go as planned. As people realize that they are okay, or if they are not, that help is on the way, there is a release of emotion stemming from the fear of injury, of weakness, of embarrassment that can take many forms, from tears to laughter to a simple, ‘Thank you!’ Many of us tend to see their reactions as ‘too much’ sometimes, but the feelings expressed are genuine and from the heart. The true beauty of experiencing a situation like this is that it touches both parties with a quiet realization of the truth that we truly need each other. No matter how independent, intelligent, strong, or unique we may be, we feel the connection to another, and we often feel that somehow, some way, we can do the same for another.

Our world, as confusing as it can be at times, is full of people who have realized these truths, and go through their lives offering a hand to others as part of life. The man who learned that there would not be summer camp for several children in his church due to family financial difficulties, made sure these kids went to camp and had a great experience there. He did not want it known that it was he that did this, but simply said, ‘If my kids, or my family were in this predicament, I would hope there would be someone who would reach out and be sure things were going to be okay. Summer camp is not a big deal for a lot of people, but for these kids, it’s something that starts to build hope within them, that good things can happen, even in a life that hasn’t seemed quite fair at times.’ And another part of humanity rises.

In another situation, a man was walking hurriedly through New York City, dressed smartly for a job interview, and was moving quickly through the crowded sidewalk when he passed a man asking for money to get something to eat. As the man approached the man begging, he shook his head ‘No’ and kept moving, but not quickly enough that he didn’t hear the begging man say, ‘You’ve got money for fancy clothes, but not enough to share, I guess!’  Rounding the corner, he realized that he had cash with him, something unusual for him, and so he turned around, approached the begging man and gave him money. The men silently looked at each other for a few seconds, when the question was asked, ‘What changed your mind about giving me money?’ To which the other responded, ‘I don’t usually have cash with me, but when I realized I did, I turned around to find you.’ ‘Thank you,’ was all he said. The man on the street would eat that night, and rise in his own way.

We are all here together, but sometimes ‘together’ can be annoying, bothersome, and difficult to handle. It is the simple thoughts and the realization that ‘it’s not about me,’ that moves us to offer a hand, offer assistance of many kinds, and simply looking at someone we may not know, and letting them know, ‘I see you, and you deserve kindness.’

Posted on

Waves of the Same Sea

Photo: stevepb/Pixabay

Fear grabs us suddenly and when we least expect it. This past year of navigating a pandemic, and facing employment issues, money troubles, unplanned detours, and cancelled plans, have put us on edge. We challenge things, situations, and people we would never have questioned before this struggle. We are divided politically, socially, racially, and we are all looking for something familiar, something comforting. In light of the fear we all face and we all feel, though, there are beautiful things happening in our midst; those kinds of things that give us hope and help us to keep going forward.

A shipment of masks from China arrived in Italy, and as these tens of thousands of FFP3 face masks were unpacked, they noticed the following message inside each crate:

We are waves of the same sea, leaves of the same tree, flowers of the same garden.

                    —Seneca

These masks, for the health care workers facing the first wave of Covid-19 in Italy, are vital when working in these conditions. As important, in these divisive times, masks synthesize our features, somewhat erasing our differences in face shape or skin color that trigger our responses to what we see around us as well as in the news. A seemingly small thing, but one that allows the work of caring for each other to continue without interruption. We are beginning to wake up to the fact that we are ‘One’ people, and that we need each other.

Though the work to mitigate tension between nations, especially those which have a history of animosity toward one another can be difficult and fraught with centuries-old arguments, sometimes an unlikely friendship is formed. The Japanese government sent a plane carrying thousands of pieces of PPE garments to the city of Wuhan. The boxes holding the masks carried a line of classical poetry:

Foreign lands separated by mountains and rivers, we share the wind and moon under the same sky.

                    —Tang-dynasty text

While the historical relationship between Japan and China has been historically contentious, in the midst of a global pandemic, there is now hope for a better, more peaceful future, as the two counties come closer together while fighting this deadly virus.

Events like these help us see that in the face of differences, there are great similarities. The ‘unknown’ is always scary, whether it is not knowing the answer to an important question you’ve been asked, or facing a little known virus. Leaving these ‘scary’ things in the dark, however, is not helpful, as they grow there, and begin to govern our thoughts on the ‘unknown,’ much to our detriment. Reaching out, even a little, to the grumpy neighbor, the rude woman, the argumentative man, like the Chinese and the Japanese have done recently, starts to open doors we thought were long closed and locked. The start of the ‘beating swords into plowshares,’ allowing us to nurture rather than destroy, is the result. It does not happen overnight, and sometimes our patience will be tested, but piece by piece, the picture will begin to take shape, showing us a new world we helped create by facing our fears, gently dealing with them, and letting them show us the way to living a better life.