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Sacred Cows

photo: D. Barr

‘If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.’

—Lao Tzu                       

We all have ‘sacred cows,’ those items, actions, or ideas that are unassailable, untouchable, that we associate with the good things in our lives. They may give us structure, and help us make decisions. While religiously associated with Hinduism and Buddhism, secularly, the term has come to signify things in our lives that not only cannot be touched, but that cannot be changed in any way. Churches find it difficult to update their Prayer Books, because so many know the current edition, and see the change as nearly blasphemous. It is not, of course, but usually a needed change to better reflect our society, as opposed to the world for which it was written twenty-five, fifty, or two-hundred years ago. At a personal level, we develop habits that become automatic behaviors and allow us to do somewhat mundane things, like preparing the morning coffee, or brushing our teeth, without having to put a lot of thought into them, freeing our minds for other things.

Change…can be scary. When change is required, we slow down considerably, trying to remember the new method, the new words, the new steps to accomplish something we’d come to take for granted. And, like learning anything new or complicated, it can be frustrating. A running coach trying to improve an athlete’s stride to make it more efficient, faster, and less tiring, faces difficult days, as the runner attempts to internalize the coach’s advice to become better. It. Is. Difficult. And it is frustrating to both parties, as our prior knowledge and experience with a particular activity has informed our intelligence and we feel more comfortable with the ‘old way.’ It is when we are presented with new possibilities, however, difficult as they may be to conceive at first, that allows us to thrive, and to do things we never thought possible.

The opportunity to see and experience things from a different perspective presents us a new way to navigate our lives. The old church prayers may still mean a lot to us, but words of the new Prayer Book may help us to see things in a novel way, leading us to other thoughts that enhance our understanding of what we already know, and letting us build our knowledge to help others understand as well. The slight changes the running coach proposed may take stress off our legs, or other groups of muscles we use when running, leading to a smoother, easier stride, a faster pace, and less soreness afterward, leaving the runner able to better recover from her training sessions, and to then prepare for the next session or competition. Taken in tiny bites, tiny steps, the path to changing our minds, our thoughts, our habits, becomes easier, and eliminates much of the fear of change we have. Mastering each small step, and taking the time we need to do so, allows us to build confidence in the process, and the ultimate change becomes less scary and more desirable.

When we open ourselves to new possibilities, uncomfortable or unexpected as they may be, our ‘sacred cows’ can calmly reside within our hearts and thoughts. When we learn new things, and they begin to become a part of our thoughts, we can begin to see how our sacred cows helped pave the way to new understanding. It is being open to the unexpected and the novel that allows us to grow, to understand, and to better recognize how we can come together to create a world that needs this kind of unity to exist.

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The Power of Saying ‘Yes’

Photo: 22563/Pixabay

We’re currently living in a world of caution, of isolation, of fear. Some of this, of course, is caused by the Novel Coronavirus Pandemic we are experiencing at some level, but that is an exacerbation of what was there already. When new opportunities present themselves, how do we react? If we feel comfortable with what has been suggested, we will generally say ‘yes’ to friends, co-workers, and family. And if the suggestion is unfamiliar to us? Then the questions begin, most having to do with how far out of our personal comfort zone is this going to take us. The thing with this, though, is to keep an open mind, and focus on what we might learn.

Saying yes to a new thing may mean we find ourselves in unfamiliar surroundings with people we don’t know. What we don’t realize in many situations like this, is that most of the people there are in the same boat, as novices. Our tension levels increase with the level of difference from what we know to where we are now. If we simply approach this with a ‘what am I going to learn now’ outlook, the magic of these situations begins to reveal itself, usually in the form of a helping hand. You might realize something familiar in the new activity, and are able to help out someone else better understand it. Conversely, you might be comforted by someone’s story that the first time they did this felt so awkward they felt they might never do it again, yet here they are, helping you.

Okay. We said ‘yes’ to something, and it worked out. Perhaps not perfectly, but we now feel more confident about doing it again, and perhaps improving our skill there. The ‘scared’ feeling is replaced by a growing confidence. Now we know more about this, we’re not complete neophytes, and we know people who might help us when we have questions or run into difficulties. All of a sudden, the ‘F’ word—failure—becomes less important as we learn to navigate our way through, feeling less scared, and more willing to take the risks we need to succeed.

Most of us are not experts at everything we try. Some of us, of course, have natural aptitudes at golf, computer science, music, and the like, and we tend to do very well early on in our efforts to learn about these things. Likely, though, when we show up at the driving range several times a week, take a lesson every so often, and get out on the golf course to learn how the actual game is played, we improve. We improve our physical skills, our understanding of what we are doing wrong, how to correct and improve our skills overall, and we begin to enjoy this no-longer-new game of golf. Looking back at the scared beginner, who was more concerned with looking and feeling foolish, we said ‘yes,’ and can now see how our journey progressed, and opened a new world we enjoy.

Saying yes to new things, situations, people offers us the chance to learn something new. With this new mindset, we begin to create new opportunities, projects, and adventures that contribute to our overall health, as we’re now in a position to help others, as well as better understand the world in which we live. Stepping out of our comfort zone—for ourselves and others—allows us to become more comfortable with our own vulnerability, which opens us to learn and experience life as it comes to us.

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One Step Back

When we think of our lives, we tend to remember the wonderful times first: when we succeeded, when we felt loved, when we felt happiness. We tend to put the tougher times, when we failed, or felt lost, into the back of our mind and sometimes have trouble remembering the details of those events. In the long game, though, we fly and we fall at different times, and these are just steps we take on our journey. Because we tend to be hardwired for ‘good’ things, we tend to look at our failures, however large or small they may be, as bad things. The reality of a journey, however, is that a step backward is simply that: ONE step backward. That step back does not erase all of the steps we too forward to reach our current destination.

To keep perspective on this idea, think of learning to read and to write. When we first look at a printed page, it may look like a series of black dots and lines, but as we begin to learn the alphabet, we begin to see a particular order. We may not yet understand that order, or how to interpret it, but we needed to see those black lines and dots in order to reach the next step of seeing the individual letters as well as how they are grouped to form words. From the recognition of individual words, comes the cognizance of seeing them arranged in ideas and thoughts, which is the stage that we begin to actually read what was heretofore a mystery to us. Along that simplified passage, we come across things that confuse us, that we mispronounce as we read aloud, that we don’t understand, and these, too, are just steps forward.

What we forget as adults, as we become more knowledgeable, is that each step has been accomplished as just one part of a larger task, and that as we go forward, if we need to take a step back, that it does not erase all the forward steps we took to reach that point. As adults, we tend to look at learning as something we did in our past, and now that we are grown-up, we should already know this. Which begs the question of why should we know this? Anyone who has been taught to read as a teenager or an adult can identify with the struggle to learn to read; for them, however, this is a passage into living a fully functioning life that is truly new to them. They knew they might have trouble learning this, and knew they had to work hard to learn this new skill. It is the mindset of someone who knows what they know, but more importantly, knows what they don’t know, and that it may not be easy. They don’t see a step back—to learn past or future tense, for example—as something bad, but as yet another step taken to better understanding.

We all continue to learn new things as we progress through life, be it academic, athletic, artistic, and simply letting go of the idea of ‘at my age, I should know this…,’ will open us up to many new things that bring us to new levels of understanding. Even for those things we already know, new insight and awareness come with seeing things from a different perspective. 

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The Anger Paradox

Photo: kienvirak/Pixabay

You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.

                       —Buddha

Anger is a part of our world from the time we are small children, with us throughout our lives, and always one of the most difficult emotions to control. Anger is born of fear; our reaction to feeling threatened and how we respond. Anger burns hot, fast, and expansively, and often it is out of control before we realize it. Anger counters a threat—real or perceived—by making us feel more powerful and in control than we might be otherwise, as well as putting up a line of defense to what might be threatening us. It is often described in bellicose terminology, and truly, when we are angry, we are fighting; with another, with an idea or concept, with a construct we feel might hurt us. It is all-consuming, and ends with the condemnation of another.

In our anger, we may quickly do a great amount of damage, meaning to hurt another before being hurt ourselves. We have all seen these people, whose towering rage clears everything and everyone in their path. It is destructive, and meant to hurt. It is in the aftermath of such that the reality of what has been done to another comes to the forefront. None of us is perfect; we have all felt hurt by another, and we have all hurt another. Why? The reasons vary, but most have to do with the fact that information was miscommunicated, not understood, or was not heard at all. Does this justify our angry reaction? Not really. But we don’t think that way in the heat of the moment when something has caused us to be angry. There is a certain release in becoming angry when we have been frustrated or stymied by someone or something that satisfies some need in us to show that to the world. The words and actions we use to communicate this become the aftermath of our wrath, and it is not an easy path to follow.

What if…we were able to train ourselves to look at these situations in a different way? Of learning to step back, and assess the situation, as well as any danger or fear we might feel, and more reasonably decide how to navigate this new challenge? Sometimes it IS very difficult to find bright spots in difficult circumstances, and in those instances, looking for ways to heal for all involved will always serve us better than not. Even in these conditions, though, seeking future promise and potential may better prepare us to face similar predicaments as they appear. What would it look like for us to find praiseworthy things, lessons we learned, things we had never noticed before, about people and contexts that had formerly vexed us? What would we notice in others? Or in ourselves? Perhaps love, patience, care, hope. Finding a better way than life may have taught us, and then giving that back to the world is the first step on the  journey to better know ourselves and those around us.

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What the Mirror Reflects

Photo: prinzesskathrin/Pixabay

We all have different ideas about who we are. My idea of who I am may agree or conflict with someone else’s opinion. We have all noticed—though perhaps not of ourselves—that people are different in different situations. With our families, we are one person, and usually there are few secrets there, due to the time and experience we have with each other. We may feel, however, that we need to be more ‘serious’ at work or school, and may mute our sense of humor, or perhaps speak in a different way. Still, we tend to behave in ways that respond to our need to maintain our ‘self-image’ and act in ways that support that, as well as support our belief system.

This begs the question of what our self-image is, and how we came to believe this. In some cases, oft-repeated stories among family or friends help create it. We hear the story of our childhood, and this becomes part of our ‘legend.’ These stories, like the ‘tall tales’ they sometimes resemble, may change depending on who speaks and why the story is told. Our ‘story’ may be embellished or enhanced to better make their point. If this is your cultural reference point, it may be easier and more comfortable to accept this version of your story, because this is what your ‘group’ believes. Their version of your story may also hold up your belief in who you are, even if it’s wrong, particularly if it paints you in a good light. The more deeply held thoughts and actions we have point to how we see ourselves, or perhaps how we would like to see ourselves. 

As a child, my family moved quite a bit. There were many houses, many schools, many people while I grew up. When I was younger, it was easy to adapt to the new situations, and it was even exciting! As I entered my teen years, though, it became harder as my classmates and I faced the changes—physical, emotional, sexual, social—with little guidance on how to navigate this new world. In one move to another city, I began to create a persona that I thought would make me more appealing, and, in a certain way, untouchable to my peers. While this wasn’t the goal, I see it clearly in hindsight. 

So, I became a world-traveler, a young teen globe-trotter; more sophisticated than my peers, who, of course, couldn’t compete with this. I made time to study other countries, learned snippets of foreign expressions, and would chime in with ‘remembrances’ of things-not-experienced, in conversation. As you might imagine, this could be easily exposed, but to my surprise—and to my growing confidence—it was not. Of course, I was creating something that was false, and that couldn’t weather many storms. As I continued to grow, I began to realize that this was yet another costume I had tried on, that no longer fit, and that I could change it for another. I would not forget the lessons I’d taught myself, though, and they would inspire me to find ways of seeing those places at some point in time, and teach me to see and experience my world in a completely different way.

We are all many different people at different times in our lives, and we all play many roles in our lives, from son to brother to boyfriend to husband to banker to actor to writer. And they are all truly us; a particular facet of our personality that catches the light at different times. Each part of us that we put forward in turn, realizing that we are doing so, allows us to relax, to learn, and to become yet a better person, still growing, and taking our lives to the next level. Best of all, seeing these ‘roles’ we play for what they are, allows us, like actors on a stage, to ‘play’ in the truest sense of the word: finding new truth, and pulling others into our orbit to share that joy.

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Listening for Gratitude

Lockdown. Quarantine. The words of our current world situation, along with so many others. They are words of separation, of seclusion, perhaps of detention, and we resist them, and the situations they describe. From an early age, we seek freedom, learning (hopefully!) at some point that freedom means many things, and is not just a license to do as we please whenever we want. Sometimes these words are the ‘medicine’ we need, much as we may not like it, but hoping it will not be required for long, and that we will heal. We are social beings, and ‘alone’ is not generally something we actively seek, yet much of the world has found themselves in small groups, hoping it will help stop the pathogens of the pandemic we now face. We long for social contact: dinners with friends, church services, movie-theaters, sports events, days on the beach. These will return, but what to do until they do? The natural world, be it a hiking trail, a mountain lake, a local park, or even just the trees in your own backyard starting to blossom, producing tiny leaves, as Spring moves more fully into our lives, is a wonderful option. While it may not be the ideal ‘escape’ we long for, simply taking time to notice the rebirth of the earth after winter helps us to shift to a different perspective.

To notice the progress of the various flowers and trees blooming is amazing, though you have to really take the time to look at what is happening. A beautiful rose is always stunning to behold, but to watch it open, just a little, day-by-day, from tiny bud to maturity, helps tune us into a different frequency. From this new position, new for most of us who rush through the world knowing that such things happen, yet rarely make time to actually see them occur, it is nature’s way of helping quiet our minds. It also lets us know that there are things bigger, more vast, than ourselves. Then, once we are open to this, we can listen for gratitude. The gratitude of being able to experience the natural world, in whatever great or small way we can, in cities or in the country, that allows us to let go. There are no deadlines here, no right or wrong answers, only the truth. There is something about gratitude that opens us up, allowing possibilities we may never have considered before, to become more fully human, and to be connected with a silence that allows us to listen and to hear the sounds and vibrations that we couldn’t possibly have heard with the noise in our heads.

The natural world is one way of allowing us to come to stillness and quiet. The sound of the wind, of water in a stream or a fountain, the laughter of children are others that pull us from our concerns and give us a new perspective. This outward focus, leaving our ‘inside’ life behind for a time, and being able to really see those people and things that surround us, gives our lives deeper meaning, and gratitude is simply there.

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A Return to Innocence

Remember a time, perhaps long ago, when the world seemed magical, that everything was possible, that we could be awestruck by a butterfly, and feel love for everyone around us? An innocence born of not-knowing, of naïveté, of a child’s mind? A simple world that those of us who have children got to share the wonder of our children discovering life as they marvelled at rocks, trees, rabbits, flowers, tall buildings, the ocean; all being discovered and experienced for the first time as they grew. They are beings of pure love. 

Then we start to grow up, and somewhere, somehow, we begin to get too smart for those simple pleasures, as we are told that ‘happiness’ lies in our future, that sometimes we can’t trust our feelings, and that sometimes we should not say anything, even if it is true, and is obvious for everyone who sees it. And so we begin to drift away from our true identities, as we feel less and less, and think more and more. As we continue to grow up, our knowledge and sophistication increases, and some of the wondrous things we beheld before become just another view, object, animal, and we slowly become more and more numb to the world around us. Then we are stopped in our tracks by a beautiful sunset, a doe and her faun in our backyard, the simplicity of a picnic with our friends, and we remember those long-ago things that gave us such joy and that made our world so interesting.

Our state of unconsciousness may be contagious, and the environment we have created in our lives may foster staying that way. Not changing a thing even though we are sure that a change would be good for us is the path of surrender. Certainly unconsciousness is contagious , but so is awareness! If we only decide we want to end our life of surety and numbness, and feel once again, sometimes facing the unknown as we navigate this new direction, we can begin to affect the change, not only in our own lives, but in the world in which we live as well. This is an intelligence always present, an intelligence that causes our blood to flow, the earth to rotate, the sun to rise and set, and that happens without us needing to think, think, think. All we have to do is listen, look, and without judgement, take in what the world gives us. 

Letting go of our expectations, and simply accepting what comes, doing with it as we need, and letting it go yet again. Resisting the urge to judge what comes and of our expectations of it can be so very difficult, coming from our thinking mind. Seeing things for what they are, and not, perhaps how they might affect us, is our portal to being able to live a life more innocent, kind, and full of discovery and wonder. Our return to innocence…

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Navigating Transitions

Photo: geralt/Pixabay

Throughout life, humans deal with change. Because we become used to dealing with things in a particular way, sometimes the changes we face change us as people. We have all dealt with unpleasant circumstances, be it poor health, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and these instances cause us to think about them in different ways. Our evolution as a species taught us to rely on our experiences and our knowledge of the world to navigate safely to the next stage. Sometimes, though, what has come before has not prepared us to handle the challenge we now face. How is it possible for us to relinquish those things behind us and take up things ahead?

We tend to approach many of these situations with fear, anxiety, and questioning ourselves. At our old job, we knew who we were, and how we fit into the world. When we were healthy, we could do so many things that are now difficult. Faced with these types of situations, we even wonder what our life should look like. Our only reference point is what has already happened, and that is no longer useful in helping us find our next steps. When a loved one dies—husband, wife, parent, friend—we mourn, knowing that our lives are forever changed. With this person no longer with us, we feel the sadness of loss, the feeling of helplessness, the child-like wonder of why this happened, but we also face this hard truth, and find ways to honor the time we had with them, searching for ways to fill the holes we now feel in our lives. And we have changed ourselves.

Perhaps no longer as carefree as we may have been at one time, but wiser, and more able to help others navigating these difficult passages, we move forward. Minute by minute, step by step, day by day, we begin to use the lessons we learned from our old friend, from the job we had, from the experience of healing our bodies and souls in a difficult time. By honoring our ‘golden’ past, and the joy we experienced with people, by doing work we enjoyed, of realizing our mortality, we are able to give it a more realistic, beneficial place in our memories and our lives, able to fully draw on these times to help ourselves and others face adversity and turn it an opportunity for growth. 

No one wants to go through difficult times, but we all face them at some point. We feel alone, as if this is the first time this has ever happened to anyone, and we need to offset the feeling of being the only one in the Universe experiencing what has happened. Now is the time to reach out, to friends, family, and let them know where you are, what you’re feeling, ask questions, and begin the dialogue that will lead to those first steps toward transition. Frightening as it may be, embrace the possibility of change, uncomfortable as it may be, and of saying goodbye to the job, the house, the relationship, or the person. An exit from one thing is always an entrance to another, offering opportunities that were not possible before this transition made them feasible.

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Stoke the Fire? Or Calm the Waters?

Photo: jplenio/Pixabay

It’s no secret that the people of this country are very divided right now. Recent events that ripped off old scabs have escalated into an international action in denouncing the long-hidden wrongs in our collective societies. On social media, I read very pointed posts about all subjects even vaguely related to these matters, which become heated, and somewhat uncivil ‘arguments’ online between people who have likely never met. I point out that when people are strangers, especially on the internet, things are said that would have never been said to someone standing right in front of you. The anonymity of the internet allows a ‘freedom’ that is not really ‘free.’ It is hurtful, painful, and is meant to belittle the recipient, without consequence for our careless, thoughtless words…because we can. To take a trip back in time to our kindergarten days, the old phrase of ‘your right to swing your arm ends where it connects with my nose,’ is more relevant than ever right now.

Right now, it seems that everything needs to become a debate or a power struggle. We need to be right, not because we are so sure of our convictions, but because it makes us feel more secure, more powerful, than the situation currently allows. It is one thing entirely to call out someone’s racist, sexist, bigoted rants, just as it is when they are offering blatantly false statements as factual. When it is simply a difference of opinion, however, what is accomplished by provoking someone just because you happen to disagree. If you’re a Conservative on a Liberal website, what exactly are you doing to further discussion on differing views? Attacking their platform itself certainly won’t do that, nor will belittling someone else. All that has been achieved is sowing bitterness and making people stick to their beliefs more strongly than ever. Any opportunity to persuade them to see what you have to offer them—and therefore yourself and your cause—is lost, probably forever. So what, again, was resolved?

Throughout most of our lives, we face situations that perplex us, and we wonder how to get through them the best way possible. Arguing with others largely raises our stress levels and blood pressures, and while things may be resolved in a particular way, the ‘compromise’ rarely satisfies anyone, and we are left feeling hurt or confused. Obvious choices sometimes are the best choices. Many people, who may not want to admit it, know what the right choice is, but feel that by admitting this, they are somehow weak, or diminished. These types of choices entail apologies, making things right, spending money to correct mistakes, and admitting they were mistaken and made the wrong choice. These actions, though, are the tacit agreement to do something simply because it is the right thing to do. 

It takes courage not to put oneself ahead of reaching out to another, not to withhold the needed words, to put yourself in their shoes and think about how you are making them feel. Yet, each time we swallow our pride and do it makes it that much easier the next time. And the time after that. What happens each time you offer your hand to another human being, and say, ‘Let’s make this right,’ allows true freedom to flourish, allows people to let go of the need to be right, and exponentially expands our capability to be better versions of the human beings we are.

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Letting Go Takes Practice

“Letting go” is a big part of life as we know it, and it’s easily tossed off as a glib piece of advice to someone who is not having a good day, perhaps recently broke off a relationship, or faced some disappointment that has stayed with them. And it is good advice. Holding on to things that no longer serve us, or perhaps put us in situations that can be detrimental is also very easy. We tend to hold on to the known pain, rather than face a new relationship, job, or situation that requires that we be open to new people, ideas, and activities. It’s the comfort with the familiar that keeps us shackled to the old, perhaps still painful, knowledge we gained in that role. We also hear things like, ‘Move on…,’ ‘Forget her. You’ll meet somebody else…,’ ‘It’s one job, and they don’t deserve you, so keep searching…’ are commonplace in conversations with friends and loved ones about what you’ve just been through, and though it’s over, you’re not quite on track to what lies ahead in your life. So how do we do this? This letting go, and moving on?

As many have noted, success in anything is a habit, practiced daily, and sometimes for a long time. If you wish to be a good golfer, working with a teaching pro will smooth out your swing, followed by time on the driving range, practicing what you’ve learned, then putting it into practice on the golf course, actually using your newly honed strokes playing golf and learning how to adapt to the challenges the actual course presents. ‘But what about those days at work where everything goes wrong, and we just can’t shake the feeling of failure. How do we practice for that? To move from sports to spiritual practices, which is what a lot of ‘letting go’ really is, there is no difference. Yoga has a highly physical element to what is actually a spiritual practice. Martial Arts, while they are spectacular to see in motion, are also a spiritual practice, with the underlying dynamic of learning to defend yourself and others so that you do not have to do so. Martial Arts take a great deal of practice to perfect and execute the physical demands the various disciplines require, but at base, they are centering, spiritual practices.

The above example of Martial Arts—which many see as aggressive and combative—takes incredible control to practice and become a Master, and the ultimate goal is not war and destruction. The latter is what we face when we have those difficult, challenging days that leave us angry, fearful, and eager to ‘pay back’ those who caused it. This is where the practice of centering ourselves, of finding that place of peace from which we can then navigate, helps us move toward forgiveness and peace, of ‘letting go’ and moving through life unburdened with negativity. It will be different for each of us, but it is so necessary in our lives. Seeking retribution, of ‘paying back’ for harm done to us, seeking the revenge we think will even the score and make us feel better, only serves to fuel the fire already burning, and leads us to causing an even greater wrong than me might have just experienced. Difficult as it may be, forgiveness and leaving the experience in our past is the only way through. Finding a way to say, perhaps only to ourselves, that this situation is awful, but that it will pass, and we will be the better for it in the end, is perhaps one of the ways we can practice forgiveness and letting go. Sometimes these will be empty words we try to feel, but the feeling of them being genuine and true eludes us, yet we still need to make the effort. The effort keeps our minds seeking ways to make this work for us, allowing us to practice letting go, even when we don’t feel it. This practice, this discipline, opens us to other solutions to help the pain we’ve felt, and ultimately, to being able to move forward more quickly, and with no regret, than we have ever been before. That is the beginning of the habit of finding love and forgiveness in the face of adversity.