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Choosing Kindness

It’s no secret that things in the world are out of whack, with the daily updates on the spread of the coronavirus, political infighting, and the like, and it is pretty easy to simply react to what is in front of us at any given moment. Times like these test us as humans, seeing what we are made of, so to speak, and what actions we take as we move through the day. Politically, there is a lot of rhetoric, which is not surprising, but a lot of what has been said needs to assign blame to one thing or another, whether the accusations are founded or not. People are panicking, hoarding supplies and food, and once obtained, hole themselves up and refuse to budge. And woe to anyone who gets in their way on this mission. Television does nothing to alleviate this situation, what with their ‘if it bleeds, it leads’ mantra, putting the most horrifying and inglorious happenings at the front of their broadcasts. Yes. It can be quite overwhelming. When informed that after today, a favorite restaurant would be closed for an uncertain time period, I thought of the waitstaff and others who count on this as their sole income, and wondered what they will do. I am somewhat relieved that some in this same boat, depending on sales to make a living, that their employers will be paying them a minimal wage, which is truly better than nothing, but not what they have become accustomed to making. And I feel helpless. And blessed that I am not in this same situation. And a bit guilty that I have been spared and others have not.

Amidst all this turmoil, I keep returning to something I was taught as a child. A phrase that is still with me: ‘Kindness never hurts anyone.’ Simple. Honest. Truthful. It takes a clear head, though, to remember this in times of stress, at those times we feel threatened and feel we must protect ourselves and our loved ones. This particular pandemic is still unknown in many ways, and as a result, we do not have the answers we need to feel anything like confidence when we navigate life and attempt to make good decisions. Something else this phrase evokes is that we are not the only person on the planet, who is ill, or, more likely, inconvenienced, by what is happening around us. Yes, it’s scary, and there are no easy answers—or comfort—to be had right now. Just unanswered questions, which make us all feel uncomfortable about the unknown in the world. It simply requires us to take a step back, perhaps a deep breath, or ten, and for us to see that we truly are in this together, and that helping each other is the best course of action. It was absolutely heart-warming to read about the number of grocery and drug stores that have carved out special hours for the elderly to shop, so that their safety is not compromised, and that they will be able to shop for the things they need, or that they might need, without the mayhem that crowds can bring to that situation. Again, taking the time to realize making it easier for us all to be in this together, is going to be the way through this particular crisis. In thinking of others, and not just ourselves, we become aware of ways in which others live, by choice or not, and simply knowing that fact can bring us a new perspective about life in this world.

This virus, this time, and the behavior we see out in the world will soon be history, but the decisions we make today, on our own, will be the memories that will last. I hope, and pray, that I am able to be kind to those I love, those I find annoying, those who are truly afraid and are acting out, and those who are trying to make a difference, in the lives of us all. Together.

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The Challenge of Change

Changing things in our lives—our habits, our jobs, where we live, and how we move through life—can sometimes be challenging. We all have great ideas of how we can improve one thing or another, how a different locale would be beneficial, and so forth, and we often create great ways to make those changes. It is at that time, or perhaps after an initial period of change, that we begin to think of how much easier things used to be before we started on this new track. New Year’s Resolutions seem to be some of the easiest to abandon, particularly if you look at the number of gyms and fitness centers that see a huge spike in membership during January, and then see use of their facilities and services drop precipitously by March. There are the determined few, though, who stick to their resolutions and begin to see and feel the changes they wanted. This is not, however, about resolutions, per se, but more about the difficulties we have in making lasting changes that truly do improve our health, our lives, or our jobs. Research suggests it takes about 66 days for a new habit to form, replacing the old habit or behavior. That 66 days could be shortened to 21 days, depending on what habit was being formed, or it could take nearly a year to become automatic behavior. The same research also suggests that the longer a new habit takes to form, the greater the possibility of dropping it altogether. The reason for this is while your conscious mind is reminding you to get up earlier, pull on your running togs and trainers and get outside for a morning run, you unconscious mind is reminding you how much easier your life would seem if you did not do that, and stayed in your comfort zone. Remaining in your comfort zone, however, is the equivalent of stasis. No movement. No improvement. Life, however, goes on whether or not we do or not. Not improving, not learning, not growing, all contribute to a life that never improves, no matter how much we say we want to change things.

What to do? Make. A. Move. Any move in the desired direction of change is fine. It doesn’t matter how small it is. Writing one sentence of your book-to-be. Running 50 yards as a start to your future Marathon. Tiny, tiny steps, most certainly, but they move us forward, and don’t allow us to mentally or physically atrophy, which is what happens when we do nothing at all. How to keep ourselves focused? We all know ourselves pretty well, so if you are the type that knows you are going to sleep in late, give yourself an out. Enlist an early-rising friend to call you at 5:30 AM as a reminder. Let others know what you’re doing, and what you want to accomplish. Each day you don’t sleep in late, and force yourself to lace up your trainers to get yourself out the door, is one day closer to your goal. And as you take those first steps on your morning run, you are closer still to that Marathon than you were before. Each sentence written for your book leads to other thoughts and more sentences that form the basis of the story you tell. That last thought I know all too well, and am too familiar with the book-that-never-was, but that has become the book-on-its-way. Twenty-one days? Sixty-six days? No. But it is coming into being, word by word, sentence by sentence, and at some point, it will take on a life of its own, and I will simply be its copywriter as the story unfolds in book form. 

So, write that sentence. Do that sit-up. Run to the end of the driveway. Act. Begin. And be prepared to see the changes you desire, as well as those wonderful things that happen because you took action.

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Listening for Compassion

Listening is often difficult. From the time we are children, hearing our parents telling us to listen to what they are saying, to sitting in classrooms, knowing we should be listening, but are not, to more dire situations where we are hanging onto every word because not listening at that moment could make the situation worse, we have trouble listening to others. And, we get annoyed when we realize others are not listening to us. The relationship of speaker and listener certainly affects our efforts at understanding what is being said: think of a boss speaking to one of her employees about the work at hand, a situation where the best course of action is to listen carefully and then ask questions about things we might not understand. Still, we all want to be heard and quite often, we are formulating our response to what we believe is being said before the other person is finished speaking. One person finishes, and the questions begin. ‘Can you clarify…?’ ‘I’m not sure I understand the purpose of that step…?’ ‘How does this relate to…?’ ‘Shouldn’t we call in accounting (etc.) for this…?’ The original speaker, somewhat puzzled, then replies, ‘I addressed that point when I said….’ The back-and-forth begins, and at some point a consensus is reached when both parties feel that they were both heard and understood.

How many of us experience this situation daily, and on multiple occasions? We are not trying to be difficult, but trying to understand what is being asked, and how we might help the person speaking. Each of us, however, has their own life, their own agenda, family, responsibilities, ambitions, hopes and prayers that we we never really forget about, even in a situation where our full attention is required for other things. Remembering that we have two ears and one mouth, and that the proportion of hearing to talking should probably follow the same ratio, is something we rarely remember in the heat of discussion. When we are engaged, we get excited about new challenges—whether at work or play—and our minds go into overdrive, thinking of the possibilities and figuring out how things will work with the new idea. This enthusiasm is fantastic! Now how to put things into action? Living in a world where we are always reachable, having grown accustomed to the ever-faster pace of life, though, we have lost some of the ability to slow down, reach a still point, and really think of how we will address the new challenge. Slowing down in order to more deeply listen opens our minds further, to see directions, solutions, and outcomes we might have missed in our readiness to begin a new activity. Historically, and from multiple disciplines and philosophies, the world’s greatest teachers, sages, and leaders all sought to withdraw, to slow down, to deeply think about what they were facing. Some faced political ruin, some imprisonment, while others faced certain death or exile. 

We rarely face this sort of dire outcome in our daily lives, but how to create the time and space to let ourselves really breathe, calm our minds, and make decisions on how to go forth? The answer: Go within. In freeing your mind, and allowing free-associations to come to you, suddenly problems and challenges are less daunting, and we are able to begin to see how, step-by-step, we can face what is confronting us. This can be done in many ways, but a few things come to mind when addressing this. First, journaling: putting our thoughts, fears, hopes, and so forth on paper with a pen lets us see physically what is occupying our thoughts, and we can then begin to create steps that might help solve these issues. Second, many people list things for which they are grateful to have in their lives: wife/husband, children, financial security, a good job, good friends, and so on. The beauty of this is that it can be done with a pen and paper, or simply sitting in a chair, vocally or mentally listing things for which they are grateful. A bonus of doing this, is that it is actually impossible to be grateful and angry or fearful at the same time. Others meditate to slow their lives, while others run long distances, as the physical action is what they need to calm and open their mind. Whatever you choose, if one of these, or something else entirely, and whether this activity begins or ends your day, or possibly refocuses you in the middle of the maelstrom, matters not. Giving yourself, as well as others around you, the time, space, and the consideration needed to center your mind, slow down, and begin to more deeply listen for answers that will ultimately help us to be more compassionate is just the beginning.

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Courage is Contagious

Right now, the United States is being pulled in many different directions, with intolerance, hatred, and prejudice, and fear fueling the dialogue. Whether or not we are in the fray or we have sidestepped provocation, we are seeing our government and our citizens divided in ways we have never dealt with before, at least on this level. What really hurts is to see our country and our democracy hurt by this infighting and this refusal to even think of giving someone else half a chance to speak his mind. And so discourse is cut off again…before it can even draw its first breath. Telling the truth, something that was certainly emphasized as I was growing up, seems to have been thrown out with the bathwater, and we are left to puzzle our way through the lies, half-truths, and deceptions the best way we know, and are still left with questions. A few brave souls have stood forth and told their truth, some doing so in the face of defying their employer, their family, or their country. Those that would have them tell ‘a convenient truth’ that reinforces a particular point, but often has little to do with fact, react with criticism and worse consequences for those brave enough to speak. And these people are in the majority. It is far easier to simply agree with what is already being said, and to move on with life. 

As children, we hear Hans Christian Andersen’s story ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ about the weavers who promise the emperor a new suit of clothes that is invisible to those who are unfit, stupid, or incompetent. The reality is that they make no clothes at all, but no one dares say they do not see them for fear of being seen as stupid. Finally, a small child cries out, ‘But he isn’t wearing anything at all!’ We are, of course, not seeing any new clothes right now, but the fear of retribution has made everyone nervous about calling out what is obvious to everyone. It takes only one person, however, to step up and speak or act to encourage others to do the same. Rosa Parks became an unwitting activist in the Civil Rights movement for her action leading to the Montgomery, Alabama bus boycott. Her decision to act, refusing to go to the back of the bus, was prompted by fatigue at the end of her work day. Deciding to refuse, and the events that followed, served as a model for others to tell their truth in dismantling an unfair system and aiding social progress. Throughout world history, these brave people, from Jesus Christ to Joan of Arc to Mahatma Gandhi, and countless others, have said and done ‘the right thing’ at the time, facing and enduring threats, violence, and death, because their actions served to reveal that truth is the only way. As humans, we can only live life forwards, but can only understand it backwards, to paraphrase Kierkegaard, and history shows us what we gained from these people who were examples of what to do and who showed true courage when the stakes were high.

The example of Rosa Parks and others throughout history, provide a scared, divided group of people with a model of behavior they could emulate, because they had seen it done. Yes, they had seen it done by one person, a trailblazer, but a person with whom they could identify with, and whose actions they could imitate, now perhaps more bravely than they could before they saw ‘the impossible’ done. We are now seeing these brave individuals come out of the shadows, taking action, and showing us that what we, too, can cause things to happen. We look up to the trailblazers, the brave ones, who faced their challenge, afraid, but still determined, because it was the right thing to do. Seeing courage in the face of adversity is felt deeply, and gives us strength to do things, ignore our doubts and fears, and move to make our world a better place. Such actions are, fortunately, contagious.

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness, whether it is for a great wrong done, or for a minor inconvenience, is so healing, and allows us to move forward, unburdened by our past behavior. This can mean forgiving another for something, or being forgiven by another for our own behavior. These we are all quite familiar with, regardless of how and when they present in our lives. There is, though, another kind of forgiveness out there, on the fringes of our conscious mind, that we so often forget, but that has great power when we are able to remember it, and to forgive for it: Forgiving ourselves.

Self-forgiveness is a little more difficult to see sometimes. We are taught to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions, and as humans, we often fail to do or say the wrong thing, and so find ourselves in the position of apologizing to someone for something we did that did not go as we thought it would. Even that sort of self-forgiveness is easier to see than not. When we delve deeper into our minds, thinking about our journey through life, and of how we arrived at this particular time and place, we begin to see things done, and left undone, that were a necessary part of our path, that, in retrospect, did not show our best side, either to us, or to others we encountered at the time. This is a chance for self-forgiveness, for not knowing better at the time. And how could we have known better at the time? Learning is usually the result of failing at something in a particular way. When we try again, we do it differently, and learn from that, too, be it successful or not. We all journey through life, knowing what we do know, and hopefully learning what we do not. Forgiving ourselves of past behaviors, those we thought would work, but did not, allows us to let go of the guilt of those uncomfortable situations where we did wrong, and truly move forward with our lives.

Life presents each of us with different trials, tribulations, and difficult, sometimes confusing circumstances that challenge us to navigate this new path in front of us. Sometimes, the situation demands extraordinary behavior, particularly when our lives, or the lives of our loved ones might be at stake. The stories of survivors of war-crimes, natural disasters, abuse, and so on are a testament to mankind’s ability to triumph over tragedy, yet these events sometimes force them into behaviors and develop survival patterns that serve them in these terrible situations, but stay with them afterward. Many of these stories also relate the person coming to terms with the horror of what they had to do in order to survive, as well as finding their way to being able to forgive themselves for what they needed to do to be able to live through the ordeal. These journeys are difficult beyond what most of us face on a regular basis, but the power, and the necessity of forgiving ourselves for not being our best, for not being ideal, for not being wise, for making the wrong decision, and living with the results, is there for each of us to access when we need it. By forgiving ourselves, we are showing our own souls compassion, mercy, and the absolution we all need, but that we so rarely give ourselves. The road through life can be bumpy enough without us needing to be hard on ourselves unnecessarily. Forgiveness of another is a simple recognition that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes, that mistakes can be fixed, and that life is too short to hold on to these things. Forgive yourself for who you needed to be.

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Finding Home

Finding a true life can be difficult. Seeing children play and grow is an interesting thing, as they are as true to who they are, and who they were born to be, than they will be at any other point of their lives. And it is beautiful to experience. We run into people in our lives at times, who seem to us to embody that ‘true’ person, unspoiled and unchanged from childhood, and it is like finding a unicorn. Whether or not that person simply continued to grow into the man or woman we just met, or whether they, like most of us, needed to find a way to return to the innocence, if you will, or the true person they were born, is interesting. There are so many influences on human beings as we grow from childhood into adolescence, young adulthood to mature responsibility, and we all handle them in different ways; some are adapted as we see fit, and others go by us like ships in the night, never to be considered. Career, education, marriage, and otherwise navigating the passages of life also influence choices we make, as we weigh options to decide what might be the best path to take for us, and for what we want and desire. The person simply wanting a loving family will certainly make different decisions than the person wanting to be a Magnate of Industry, as will the painter make choices that will take them in that direction, or the would-be professional athlete sacrificing time and energy into becoming the best they can in their sport. And it is all good.

What about those who have made decisions, pursued things they want, or thought they wanted, only to wake up one day to realize where they are in life has not brought them the happiness or satisfaction they thought they would have? They may have the material goods they thought would bring them happiness, or at least outwardly indicate they they are ‘successful,’ but something is missing. How did they get here, and what guiding force—good or bad—was behind the decisions they made? Were the goals true, or were they ephemeral, that is, appearances of situations or things that sent a message to anyone observing it, that this is a successful, or intelligent, or desirable person? While life-decisions can be a mix of all the above, being influenced by family, friends, work, school, and so many other factors, most go back to how we see ourselves, and how we believe we fit into the world around us. Do we feel we are intelligent enough to get into medical school and be a good doctor when we finish? Or was that someone else’s idea for us, dependant upon their view of us, and slowly we began to think it was a good idea for us as well? Or the gifted artist whose drawings and paintings are inspiring for all who see them, hears the praise for those artworks along with the idea that it will be a nice hobby in life, and not a way of making a living, somehow sneaking into the artists unconscious until she believes it herself, and chooses a different path in life…always wondering what her life would have been had she made different decisions. 

A Return to Innocence, to the true self, is based on reflection of what makes us excited, that we would do regardless, and bringing that back into our lives. It may take baby steps, like buying a new paint brush, or re-reading your old poems, and slowly reintroducing yourself and your passion, day by day, and letting your imagination take you where you need to go. Driving a bucket of golf balls at the driving range may not take you to the Masters, but if that is your passion, it will begin to reawaken that part of your soul, the one that may have long been dormant, but one that you deserve to have in your life, giving you the joy of being a part of something you love again.

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Do It or Lose It

“If I talk about something I either talk about it or I DO it…the minute I talk about it it’s lost all its drive and all its fun.

                        —Carol Channing

How many times have we had great ideas, or at least things we think we’d like to do, thinking they might just work out to our advantage? Pretty often, if you’re like me. It could be anything from starting a charity to helping feed people, if that’s what really excites you, to deciding to learn Spanish, not because you need to, but because you think you would like to know another language. And as social beings, we’re often tempted to poll our friends to see what they think about it, and are often talked out of doing anything at all. Some will think it’s a good idea, and others will play Devil’s Advocate, and point out everything that could go wrong. And we do…nothing.

However, as a large athletic company urged us years ago: JUST DO IT! Whatever it is. However implausible your success. Whatever you need to learn to do it. Just. Do. It. The quote that began this is so accurate. Unfortunately accurate. Because our minds can create amazing things, things no one has done before. Or perhaps just different enough from something else that your personal version breaks new ground and its value is made manifest.

Anything you do, let it come from you, then it will be new…

                        —Stephen Sondheim

It has been said that there’s nothing new in the world, nothing we’ve not seen before, and all the ‘newness’ to something novel is just variations on a theme. Maybe. But maybe not. We are each unique individuals, each with a singular outlook on life and the world, and by bringing our own ‘take’ to something, we make it our own. Think of how many singers have sung Jerome Kern’s ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’ and how each voice and interpretation brings something different to the song. There may be favorites we prefer, but each new version brings something unique and individual to the song itself, allowing us to hear it for the first time…again.

The creation of something is why we, as artists, athletes, scientists, healers, and so on, thrive; bringing our thoughts, experiences, and worldview to a project, a song, a dance, and we accomplish it by just doing it. The key word here is ‘DO.’ Taking action. Lighting a flame. Whatever the metaphor, taking action on something big, something that excites us, and drives us to do things we very much want to do is the human experience encapsulated. We are here to create a better world than we entered, and we can all do it, if we only take actions on those notions, do our absolute best, and put it out there in the world for others. 

The first step in this process is to write down the idea, so you don’t forget its specific parameters, and then begin a rough outline on the individual steps needed to make this happen. This step leads to refining it, pivoting to plan B if something fails, but to unswervingly keep going until it begins to take shape. At this point, our idea has become something unique to us, and as its parent, up to us to nurture it to fruition. The second step, and probably the most important, is to find a way to hold yourself accountable for taking action. For some, this means telling everyone you know what you are doing, so that every interaction with someone generally prompts the questions of how your project is going. Because none of us want to look like we’ve abandoned our own passions, we will tend to make time, and take a ‘no matter what’ stance in getting things done. Others are able to make a timeline and stick to it. Whatever method chosen, self-honesty is vital. You know when you are sliding, and just letting things go, and you know when you’ve put in the work, regardless of the results of a particular action, and how things are progressing. And there are roadblocks to everything, no matter what you have chosen to do. Writing a song or a story? There will be moments of ‘writers block’ that keep you from progressing very far that day. But these are balanced by those days when it all seems to flow and the song nearly writes itself.
Letting go of the fear of ‘failing’ is key. We all have a need for love and approval, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The criticism of what we have done can be hard sometimes, but it can also be encouraging, when we hear that what we have done is beginning to have an affect on others. This is when it sometimes seems that the Universe has come together and sent us help in the form of positive comments, suggestions, and it seems that we are being helped along by everyone and everything in our lives. What we have actually done, however, is act on our passions and put them out there for others to see, read, hear, and enjoy; we all react well to experiencing the joy of others in action.

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Growth and Pain

Growth that takes us to a new level of understanding, skill, or allows us to create new things, new relationships, is nearly always accompanied by some kind of personal pain. It is pain of letting go of the old way of doing things, while facing the task of understanding the new ideas and how to apply them to create the new. Often compared to the labor pains that come with physically giving birth to a child, change in our lives is uncomfortable, disconcerting, and often tests our will to go forward. In the case of childbirth, there is no going backward, as the child will come forth and be born. With other things, many of us find ways of lessening the discomfort, sometimes reaching backward for a habit or ritual that served us in our past, but is not going to help us in our new endeavor. We want to compare the new job, for example, to an old position that we liked, trying to find ways of creating those feelings of stability and comfort we felt in the old job. And guess what? It doesn’t work. Asking something new to be like something old is not only pointless, but is confusing, most of all to ourselves. We may find ourselves expecting others to behave as they did in the past, or for the rituals of our new setting to somehow miraculously become more familiar.

How to get through this? Like a new mother-to-be, or perhaps a marathon runner feeling doubt about finishing, we press on through the pain to create new life, either literally, as in the first case, or figuratively, as in the second, to trust in ourselves, and in our strength and endurance to keep going. Easier said than done, though, and sometimes remembering the baby steps we took to get where we are now is one of the most helpful things we can do. In a marathon, we have trained, early mornings with headlamps and flashlights, rainy afternoons, and snowy evenings, taking step after step, up and down hills and other difficult terrain, designed to strengthen our bodies in many ways in order to face the challenges that running a marathon presents. And we keep going, until today’s training is behind us, and we feel the elation, along with some of the physical pain, that such training provides.

Trusting ourselves and our process, as well as our faith in ourselves can help us through difficult situations, but it is also vital to remember that we did not do this alone. Even the most introverted among us have families, spouses, friends, all who have encouraged us, challenged us when we seem to be backing off, and otherwise became part of the reason we were able to go through difficult times. Some of life’s challenges may seem like a failure, but as Thomas Edison said of those experiments, ‘I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.’ Taking that to heart, and finding yet another way that may or may not work can be frustrating, but taking the knowledge of the ‘failed’ attempt is a guideline to follow into creating something truly amazing. Remembering that we all have someone in our lives who is supporting us when we come up short, and wants only the best for us can be the little spark of inspiration that keep us going, on to the next experiment, mile after mile, through pangs of physical pain, and to new life and growth.

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Into No-Man’s Land

What is it about venturing into unknown territory that fascinates and terrifies us? Though the known world is fairly well mapped at this point in time, there is still so much we don’t know; so much yet to discover. We take exotic vacations—safaris, climbing expeditions—to see and experience new things we have never seen or done before. And why? Human curiosity is certainly on a wide spectrum, ranging from those who rarely leave hearth and home, to those who have traversed the globe multiple times. Each day, we are faced with new challenges, new people, new ideas, and our knowledge, patience, and kindness is tested in different ways. And why? Because it is in being tested that we grow. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, ‘A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor,’ and it is quite true. Always staying in the harbor, in fair weather will certainly guarantee you can handle a boat in one way. But by leaving the harbor, leaving the safety, the guaranteed path, is where we learn the most, and critically, how we handle adversity and turmoil.

The Stoic philosophy urges us to ask whether things that happen in our lives are in our control. That is, can we control the action or outcome of something ourselves. If the answer is yes, we are urged to make the best decisions we can and deal with the repercussions regardless. If it is not in our control, then we must endure it as best we can, and keep moving through life. Occasionally when swimming, we might find ourselves in deeper water than we expected to be in, perhaps pulled in that direction by wind or tides. Our feet no longer touch the bottom. What then? If we have been taught to swim, we might begin swimming in the direction we know to be safer, where we can touch the bottom again, just to give ourselves that feeling of safety. And for non-swimmers? Depending on the person, they might realize they can, indeed, float with their head above water, and perhaps try to call out to someone nearby for help getting back to the shore. In either case, though we might have been able to prevent ourselves from being in this situation—in our control—life presents us with situations we simply have to figure out what to do in the moment, using everything we have, not to panic, and to believe that we can do more than we might have thought possible. And these experiences stay with us the next time we are in a similar situation, and we are able to draw on them—though they were hardly fun to learn sometimes—to guide us to a higher place still: building on the lessons we learned there.

It is in controlling what you are able to control—especially as it concerns your reactions to things that happen—and allowing those uncontrollable situations to be your teachers that not only brings knowledge, but helps us become more confident in ourselves, and of how we move through the world. It also enables us to become teachers ourselves, guiding those around us through deep water, or steep mountains, to share our knowledge and to enable others to share theirs as well.

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Seeking the Dignity

The world has reached a point where everyone is special. And truly, like snowflakes, we are all unique, with different points of view, talents, knowledge, and inner beauty. But like snowflakes, which largely look the same at a glance, and can overwhelm us at times—winter storms—we need to look very closely at them to see these qualities. In the case of snowflakes, under a microscope in a chilly laboratory is the best way to see these characteristics. What about the people we see daily, or work with, or perhaps encounter for the first time? Do we see their singular traits? Or do they get labeled and lumped into a category in our mind that is easier for us to navigate? Perhaps both, or neither.

In my work life, I deal with clients, trying to fulfill their needs and wants, and overall, I feel I do my job pretty well. It’s really disconcerting, however, getting criticism from the people I am trying to help, especially when I’ve made a great effort to do so, and then I get nothing but objection and dissatisfaction. In my mind, I’ve really tried to do all I can, and the rebuke comes as a slap, largely to my ego. We all go through life with expectations, not only of ourselves, but of others in our lives as well. From expecting certain ideals and behaviors from your spouse and children, to the assumption that your co-workers and clients will behave in a certain way, it is when our hopes are shattered by them that we defend ourselves. In many cases, particularly with our work, we keep our defense to ourselves, saying to ourselves they’re just ‘ungrateful,’ or ‘uneducated ‘about the subject at hand, and put them into that ‘problematic client’ folder, which is then filed in our memory for future use.

And we have just fallen into the trap of seeing only the dissatisfaction, anger, or disappointment they are feeling, and completely forgetting why we are even at work. This is a common thread in a soup kitchen, where the cooking or service is often criticized by the clients, who very much need this assistance. Many volunteers in this situation are not looking under that microscope for the dignity each of us has, but is sometimes difficult to see immediately. If the expectation is gratitude, for time, for service, and so forth, we need to remember that we need to look at these others, many of whom we will never encounter again, as guests in this space and as guests in our lives, and treat them, criticism and all, as well as we would invited guests in our homes. When we are able to do this, the entire experience at work, while volunteering, while coaching, while teaching, becomes about using our knowledge to create a better situation for others. When we look at strangers and acquaintances as guests, the paradigm changes drastically, and allows us to summon and show our better instincts and actions, all in the name of hospitality and love of our fellow humans.